Friday, 20 January 2012

I Hate Facebook

Although it’s been said many times, many ways; I hate Facebook.

It wasn’t always this way. A few years ago, Facebook was one of my favourite things on the Internet. There were fun times to be had with humorous status updates, catching up with old friends, and insulting people on various extreme right wing groups.

Back in 2009 I started using the Notes feature to automatically import posts from Muppets For Justice directly onto my Facebook profile. You just simply pointed it at your URL, and it created a Note everytime it detected a new post, then alerted all of your friends to it. This was a brilliant automatic feature. For a long time I had two small communities following the stuff I’d written, one on Blogger, and one on Facebook which my family and friends read.

Then, the evil Lord Zuckerberg noticed that Facebook had become an Internet sensation. Hundreds of millions of people were logging on every day to tell the world what they had for dinner, or to insult their boss after adding their boss as a friend, and this pleased Zuckerberg.

So ladies, what first attracted you to the fabulously wealthy Mark Zuckerberg?
Despite his billions from advertising revenue and millions of loyal minions, he still found himself worried by a new social network launched by Google, appropriately named Google+. This angered the Dark One. How dare someone try and emulate his success? It’s not like he’d ever taken elements from other people’s websites to try and improve his own. Facebook Chat is in no way like other IM programs such as MSN Messenger (or as it’s now known, Live. God, that makes me feel old). This new social network would have to die. Sitting in his crimson citadel of the damned, the Demon Prince Of Teh Internets began to formulate a plan.

Fast forward a month or two, and Facebook suddenly drops its support for importing posts from Blogger (a Google company). For someone like me, that meant my readership was instantly cut in half. By way of apology for this heinous crime, Facebook cheerfully announces “you can always link people to your Blog through status updates”.

Thanks a fucking bunch for this helpful fucking feature you fucking fuckity fuckers! I’m so pleased that a beautifully automated process has been replaced with one which requires me to manually pester my friends and family like an extreme version of Nathan Barley.  As if people don't hate me enough!

So, there I go, laboriously posting a link each and every time I update (and yes, my problems are just as important as third world famine), when suddenly, Facebook informs me that I cannot post links to Muppets For Justice any longer, as it has been reported as "offensive".

What the titty-drippings is so offensive about my blog?  This place is about as offensive as a Christian pamphlet.  Or perhaps a Christian pamphlet folded in such a way that it looks like a phallus.

On another note, have you noticed that Facebook tends to display updates from people you don’t really like? According to my extensive research (i.e. a video that someone showed me), there is an algorithm which calculates how often you interact with certain people, and then shows you the status updates the people you are least interested in. It would seem that this is an effort to stop you from neglecting your least favourite friends. However, what this fails to realise is that there’s probably a strong case for not talking to those people very often. Perhaps it’s the annoying way in which they post every minute detail about their moronic children:

“shaneliza jus woke up an puked on herself!!! shes so clever!!!!1 i love mine princess foreva neva forget babydoll loves always!!!!!!!!!!11”

Or maybe it’s the moronic way in which women that end up in bad relationships end up posting things like this on a monthly basis:

“stupid fuckin men r all the same!!!! much better off single wiv my baby girl shaneliza huw i luv more than life itself!!!!!!”

I hope that one day these people will realise that, in a moment of self reflection, the only constant in their failed romances is themselves. The fact that Facebook tries to cram more of this junk onto my screen is one of the most annoying aspects.

Oh and in case you’re wondering, yes I will still be using Facebook, yes I do have a tendency towards hyperbole, and yes, the rages are becoming more frequent.  Next time, a rant on how much I hate reaching for the remote control.  I can feel a lie down in a darkened room coming on. And a wank.


  1. LOL!! I never linked my blog to Facebook, but I can see how that's frustrating...How do you feel now that GFC is being taken away?? We'll have nothing left!!!

    1. The Global Financial Crisis? I'd love it if that was taken away :)

    2. We all would love it if the stupid Global Financial Crisis was taken away, but your idiot elected politicians freed the criminals so we're fucking stuck with it.

  2. Oh, but without Facebook I'd have no friends. But, seriously the constant status updates from people complaining about their minor headaches really does get frustrating ("Ugh!@S My fuckin head is pounding i hate people !!1"). I don't ever go down my news feed and think to myself, "wow, that was totally worth it." I just gain less and less faith over the survival of humanity.

  3. Each time I logged on to Facebook, a piece of my soul died.
    Constant news feeds of "I'm sitting in Wetherspoons, waiting for my lunch," or i"t's raining outside," because none of us are in possession of that strange opaque thing called a window, soon had me trying to chew off my left leg in rage and had to go.

  4. Well, on second thought let's not go to Facebook. It is a silly place.

  5. business politics very unfortunate >.<
    i wish stuff like that didn't happen

  6. I greatly dislike Facebook as well but I still use it to keep in touch with various individuals whom I may not like.

    Never know, they might be useful to me in the future.

    1. Hahaha that's what I call a sense of humor.

  7. I'm glad to see I'm not the only one. On another note, has anyone seen The Social Network? I can't imagine a movie about a nerd making a website is going to be hugely entertaining, unless you like to pick out errors in other people's code.

  8. Looks like a lot of people are in agreement. The time to boycott Facebook is now! Right after I update my status...

  9. Here, here! I second thee. I am proud to state for the record, I have always hated face book. :)

  10. I couldn't agree more. ' insult their boss after adding their boss as a friend...' I like that. It's called two-facedness. Everyone keeps telling me I should go on Facebook again. 'You're NOT on Facebook?' (= Are you metal?) Thank you but no thank you. Too much junk. HAve a nice day, fellow Blue Creature :)

  11. You know what? I'm one of those conservatives that you hate sooo much- I hated social media networking with a passion before my HS valedictorian drug us all on the site for "reunion purposes".
    For starters, we all hate high school. Esp. my high school. Everyone wanted to talk to me, about fucking politics despite my conflicted experience with it.
    These people were just another extension of Obama, Bush's or realtors' arms that suffocated me with their annoying propoganda.
    My profession was adversely affected by sociopolitical bullshit and these know nothing idiots who couldn't understand the the basic concept of "collateral" were going to tell me what to think of politics?
    This is the same exact Wall Street whose fucking around with Facebook stock despite it's high volume (yes people desperately want the dotcom sector to come back).
    I detest having a conversation with people whose attention I don't have. Do they care what I have to say? No. They want me to listen to their imaginary bf dramas and political views.
    Oh how I now miss the long forgone days of ebragging on Myspace- the site I signed up on but never used.

    Oh how I longed for the days where I was able to see pictures of people slam shots at a high priced bar instead of stupid hipsters-and def. not some stupid patronizing Bush/Obama suckass wannabe sock puppet army from hell who have absolutely no point to their existence.

    And Sandberg made it even worse. She was the designer, the "CIO" who decided to surprise us by changing the layout which at the end of the day killed anybody's rights to privacy. Esp. the maps and the tickerfeed. She was Rubins' assistant and Rubin IS guilty of using the CFTC t block all good, legit cases by the investors aganist the banks for selling them counterfeit subprimes. But obviously, the obvious soared way above your head, which happens to be stuck up some useless politician's ass.

    And WTF is 4square? I'm so unimportant that I don't think even the loneliest, desperate loser cares whether I went to the supermarket an hour ago.

    And better yet, they're creating this fictional drama to enhance Zuckerbergs' rep. Zuckerberg's "techno frat" stuff, "Social Network" or whatever that site is called? This 51st employee cites this guy's "jerk behavior" by chasing away the girls' who are not pretty. But the 51st employee was not pretty.

    So until Beast came along, FB sucked. I did what I wanted with it. I told off media sources and annoying, irritating sock puppets with the tag and public function. It was fun for a while.

    I connected with others regarding health issues and candidly told "charities" aka. charlatans to suck it. Where else in the world can you do that? I'm not flying to PR Heaven DC to do it.
    FB makes it free and adaptable to America's shittiest bandwidth in the world.

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    2. (other post deleted for grammatical errors)

      I've shared tips, gotten tips. But for reals, if it wasn't on Facebook, I would've found them in another online media that might be much more tactful.

      But a las. I hate my high school peers with a passion. And I suffer them because of Facebook.

      I tried to invite one girl to watch a late night comedy show live in the studio. She made some bullshit excuse to flake on me at the last minute, when she knew I had to travel there. Then proceeded to bitch about the popular girls in high school.

      When they're bitching about the popular girls in high school we GRADUATED with; from *10 YEARS AGO*, it's obvious she has nothing to say to me to excuse her from being an asshole to me. So she will try to scapegoat some people who were unlucky enough to get stuck in the same highschool with her bitter ass.

      She bitches about the popular girls for a reason.


      She has absolutely NOTHING to say to me.

      I'm not white.

      I'm not kidding. (I'm neither black or latino either).

      I was more popular and successful than she is, without the coddling she got out of life.

      They're all like that.

      Facebook kept me at arms length to ALL of them.
      What am I getting out of it? Some stupid hiring manager can now cyberstalk me.

      Like I'm that intriguing-*NOT*.
      You're the special one who gets to pay people $1/comment for their two cents.

      They are really looking for some broad whose making out with the guy whose not her baby daddy.

      I like the volume on Facebook shares, I think they're better than Apple. However, it's served it's purpose and became more of a pain in the ass than it's really worth.

      But hey, thanks for listening. You prevented some poor bartender from suffering the mess that will make his ears bleed.


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