Friday, 27 January 2012

I Want To Take You To A Fish Bar

Millions of years ago a miracle of nature occurred. After swimming around first in primordial ooze, then puddles of sediment, then in oceans for millennia, fish spontaneously started to develop feet, and used them to conquer the land. This transformation was an unprecedented revolution which eventually led to the creation of humans, dancing, and flip flops. Now in a curious twist of fate, humans have started to flaunt our sophisticated feet in the faces of fishkind.

You’ve probably noticed establishments (or temples) being erected in towns and cities specifically to allow fish to collectively worship our evolved appendages. Otherwise known as fish bars, these hallowed halls are designed to make us feel like gods. You pay your money, then perch on a seat and dangle your feet in a pool of hundreds of adoring, squirming minions, all jostling against each other for the chance to grovel at our toes. They then begin sucking on them gloriously as though by ingesting our dead foot skin, they might be able to obtain our power and grow their own.

I went into one of these bars about a year ago. They’ve opened one in my local town right underneath Tesco (yes, the Tesco in our town is large enough to have a range of shops underneath it. It blots out the sun and plays supermarket jingles across the entire town into the ever-present darkness) and Mrs Addman really wanted to try it.

There were some ground rules before you get to dip your toes:
1) No nail varnish as this can poison the fish.

2) No fake tan as the fish might become offended with your miscoloured, orangey skin and mistake you for a massive twat. It’s poisonous too.

3) Don’t kick, punch, bite, or grapple the fish. Although that one wasn’t a rule, I feel that it’s worth pointing out as some of the kids in there had an overwhelming urge to try and grab the fish and take them out the water, or kick their legs wildly.

Considering that you are essentially paying to have flesh ripped off of your feet, it’s surprisingly not painful. In fact it’s a slightly ticklish sensation, but that’s about it. They’ll get right between your toes if you let them. Some of the dumber ones end up latched onto your ankles and you have to shake them off when you take your feet out. Afterwards, we got a souvenir towel to remind us of our lovely 15 minutes with the fish (I’d have preferred an on ride photo) and were left with smoother soles for the rest of the day.

A fish bar for people who are scared of water

There are many annoying trends these days, but fish bars are difficult to condemn. The fish involved get fed regularly and customers get a pedicure. It’s a beautiful cycle, like the circle of life, or a perfectly spherical breast.

Animal rights activists might point out that these fish would rather be out in the open water sucking on a shark’s gills or something, but at least they are in gainful employment. A steady job keeps them off the streets, scraping for change or offering unsafe backstreet footjobs to fund their crack habits. The only hesitation I have is the welfare of the fish in the busier stores. Surely those fish that are eating flesh 400 times a day are in danger of becoming obese, and all the health complaints that can come from overeating. No doubt some careless hambeast will drop a glazed doughnut in there at some point, instantly giving the fish diabetes.

I decided to write about this phenomenon because I noticed that a rival fish bar is now opening up. In a comparatively small town like this, competing chains of this nature shows that they are successful and are opening up nationwide. Soon, you won’t take your date to a bar or a poorly lit cinema screening of a movie you don’t intend on watching. You’ll be booking her in for a romantic evening of having her legs chewed instead.

So in conclusion, I guess fish bars are a good thing? I’ll give them one thing; it cleared my genital warts up a treat.


The talented Mr Flip over at Hill Blocks View has been kind enough to give me a guest blog spot.  Nip over there if you fancy reading it, then read all of his other wonderful writings too.  I guarentee at least 137% satisfaction.


  1. Wow, I've never heard of this before. Is it strictly a UK thing? I'd love to take a break fom Skyrim to be worshipped by tiny underevolved minions for a day (When I reach the status of God in Skyrim, that's when I'll refuse to leave the house and become a complete introvert).

  2. This is really interesting! I heard of it before but didn't know too much about it. Personally, I'd freak out though haha

  3. But the lady in the picture has nail polish on!

  4. Heard about this. But I'd freak out lol.

  5. If it's not covered in batter, then I aint interested.

  6. I've always wanted to try one of these out, just for the spectacle.

  7. i can't imagine not being a little freaked out while this is happening

  8. @Chiz - I don't know if it's just a UK thing or not. Come over if you fancy having your toes nibbled.

    @Sujana - If you don't enjoy slimy things on your feet, it might not be for you.

    @Bersercules - I know. I'm going to inform the police this instant.

    @Simon Black - C'mon man up! Real men get fish pedicures!

    @Lily - Yeah, but battered fish would just leave you with greasy feet.

    @Greg - I assume in the same way that Nail Bars are bars (i.e. not bars at all).

    @Dwei - If you do try it, don't use piranhas. They take it a bit too far.

    @Leon - Just close your eyes and pretend that you are having your feet sucked off by a thousand tiny fish. Wait, that's no help...

  9. I am pretty sure those are Babel Fish. They are just trying to get into your ears. Next time put one in your ear and you will be able to understand all languages.

  10. Had to drop the genital warts bomb at the end. Nice. Does being ticklish matter? I'd hate to drop kick those fish in the face on accident because they tickled. Very interesting.

  11. @Flip - Oh no, I'm not going down that road. Before I knew it I'd be flying around the universe in my dressing gown, and I can't miss my game of Bridge tonight.

    @Pickleope - It does tickle at first, but you soon get used to it. Just be careful not squash them when you first put your feet in.

  12. Yeah I have heard of this, seen a Fish Bar, too ticklish to try it out.
    But I swear the school of fish that I saw employed there was pretty, blissfully drunk. I reckon only the Fish are given the alcohol intake. Otherwise, a fish bar totally justifies why they are called fish brain. Just sayin'.
    But seriously, roflmao!


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