Friday, 6 January 2012

Dial 111 For Murder

Now that Christmas is over for another year and we start to get back into the daily grind, it is easy to become nostalgic for the festivities we enjoyed less than two weeks ago. Everyone misses that wonderful time of year where you can wear novelty jumpers without ridicule, play board games with your family, and go out and murder random strangers with illegal firearms.

Oddly enough, Christmas 2011 has seen an inordinate amount of murderings. First, someone was stabbed on London’s busiest high street in broad daylight on Boxing Day, then a guy calling himself “Psycho Stapleton” killed a kid in Salford, then another loon shot up his girlfriend’s whole family, killing three of them. Then, just when you felt bloated from the massive murder buffet, a dead woman turns up on the Queen’s Sandringham estate on New Year’s Day. It’s a psychopath jamboree!

Murders aren’t exactly rare events, even in a country such as England where people would to queue just to get away from an armed gunman. However, it seems that the excesses of Christmas have cracked our usually polite demeanour, sending us out into the streets for a killing or two. What’s gotten into everyone lately? Have we become jealous that the worst atrocity last year was committed in fucking Norway of all places? Maybe our nutters have become disillusioned that no one has managed to top the heady heights of Raoul Moat’s 10 strong pile of cadavers recently. Maybe they are setting out an agenda for 2012.

The UK's latest craze, after murdering

Mind you, considering that amount of grown men I’ve seen riding around on scooters since Christmas, it’s not all that surprising that some people have taken to mass murder. Seriously, I saw a guy riding a double scooter the other day. It was basically two scooters joined together at one end in a V shape. A double scooter makes you a double twat, it’s a scientific fact. Violence is the only answer in a situation like this.

Still, if you find yourself being tackled to your kitchen floor by an armed assailant in a knitted reindeer jumper, you’ll need to think about which emergency number you need to ring. While blood trickles from your atrophied organs, slowly drowning you in your own vital fluids, take a moment and think to yourself “does this really warrant a 999 call?” If not, you might like to try 111, the new number for emergencies that aren’t quite that urgent.

That’s right, now you have to prioritise your own injuries. 999 is only for the most serious eventualities such as nuclear holocaust, outbreak of intergalactic war, or if someone throws a soft fruit at Prince Phillip. 111 is better if you have a nosebleed that won’t stop, or a bruise on your knee in the shape of Italy. Considering that we already have a general helpline for health issues called NHS Direct, it is becoming a bit too confusing as to which number is the best to use in a given situation. You’ll find yourself flailing at your phone with whatever limbs you have left, hoping to get through to the right place.

But more important than NHS Direct

Never mind. With the rate at which this murderous trend is growing, we’ll all be swept up in this craze by the end of the year. Going out killing is the new staying in! Forget your Pogs, football cards and foldable scooters, grab your nearest automatic weapon and meet me in the park. Last one standing gets to eat my liver!


  1. Yeah, I know what you mean, man. I drive a Nissan Versa hatchback, and I can feel the murderous intent surfacing.

  2. Old grannies with shopping trollies, who walk at a pace of 0.001 millimeter per second, drives me to a murderous rage...and that's just my mum...

    Great post! Funny yet thought provoking.

  3. I believe NHS Direct is being phased out and replaced by 111. So maybe it's superfluous for a limited time only.

  4. Yeah, my city had already beat 2010's number of murders by July.

    Kind of scary.

  5. Come to New York City, where it's safe ;)

  6. @Chiz - I wouldn't worry. I drive a Ford Fiesta.

    @Lily - Thanks. And yeah, old people should have their legs replaced with wheels.

    @BragonDorn - This is England though. We still have a monarchy here.

    @Meghann - I hope so. I'm having to remember so many numbers it's making me forget other stuff like...I forget.

    @Dwei - I want you to give me three rings when you get home, to tell me you're safe, OK?

    @Sojourner - I'll be right there, just after I deliver this shipment of pork to the Gaza strip.

  7. That's how it always starts, just a murder or two after dinner. Before you know it you have a REAL problem, killing people before breakfast, missing work to stab random strangers in the face, killing the in-laws. And then your friends will sit you down and have the talk, you know the one, "We've been noticing that you have a murder problem", and you'll deny it but deep down you'll know there right.

    Or so I've heard.

  8. I know what you mean Flip. My family confronted me over a "drink problem" they imagined I had. They just refused to accept my radical idea of whiskey cornflakes.


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