Parkour Dreams

For years I have done remedial office work at a company I detest. For too long I have been paid to stand in a corner and have elastic bands flicked at me (I was a Stress Relief Technician). I’ve finally done the thing that my wife said she’d leave me if I did; I’ve jacked in the job to pursue my dreams of becoming a parkour champion.

This won’t be easy. I am notoriously non-athletic and have always avoided physical activity in the past. But after seeing some cool free running videos on YouTube, I am determined to make this a successful endeavour. I reckon that it’s all a case of mind over matter, and my mind has been honed after hours spent staring at a blank wall at work, meditating on philosophical matters and holding entire Scrabble tournaments in my head (of which I always emerged victorious). To document my progress, I have decided to write an online journal of my experiences. Hopefully, this will chart the rise of my parkour superstardom, and serve as a tome of worship for other aspiring free runners.

I'll be doing this soon enough

1st Jan – There’s no time like the New Year to begin my journey! I decided the place to start was to look the part, so I’ve decided to update my wardrobe and get some loose fitting sports gear. I went down the shops, but forgot that they are all shut on New Year’s Day. There’s always tomorrow.

2nd Jan – Woke up at 3:35PM after staying up all night studying parkour videos. There wasn’t enough time to get to the shops and get my new gear together. Otherwise, Marlene moved out and took the kids with her, meaning that I have a lot of room to turn my house into a parkour dojo. I’ve overturned the dining room table and the cupboard, but this proved to be rather tiring so I decided to get an early night.

3rd Jan – Finally managed to visit the urban sports store. I purchased myself a pair of loose fitting vans, and a pair of black trousers with loads of chains on them. The weight of all that extra metal pulls the waistband down around my knees, making me walk like a piles sufferer with severe rickets. It’s only later when I got home that I found out I’d bought skater clothes, and they were not really suitable for parkour. I’ve resolved to use a pair of old trainers and a white t shirt instead.

5th Jan – I found out there is a parkour group at my local youth centre. I went along this evening, but it turns out that the group is full of 14 year old boys in trendy vests and hats. One of them called me a paedophile after a boy fell over and I offered to massage his leg until the feeling came back. I was so upset that I took my 50p back, and left swiftly.

7th Jan – Without a regular parkour group, training has been slow (i.e. nonexistent). It’s a bit of a pain getting into my kitchen now that an overturned cupboard is blocking access, and I haven’t eaten in two days. Luckily, I still have a regular supply of water from the hosepipe tap in the garden. I tried eating the red berries growing off my neighbour’s bushes, but now my insides are itchy. I’ll drink more outside water to try and resolve this.

It's great that these conjoined twins can take part in the sport

8th Jan – Met a lithe young lad in the local park named Jean Paul who told me he was a Parkour grand champion. Jean Paul offered to teach me his “mad skills” in exchange for £50. The first lesson was to swim out to the middle of a lake and stand on one leg for two whole hours. I didn’t make it because a duck pecked me in the ear and I almost drowned, but when I returned to shore I noticed that Jean Paul was missing. This is probably part of the test.

9th Jan – Marlene rang me to talk about custody. She says there’s no money in free running and that I’m wasting my time. Well, she hasn’t seen my “Will Parkour For Money” sign. It’s got glitter on it and everything. A guaranteed money spinner!  Anyway, it turns out that she has a new partner already, a neighbour of ours in fact named Craig.  Craig is an absolute brute of a man; the kind of guy who thinks TLC stands for "Tender Loving Cock".  When my parkour training is complete, I intend to learn capoeria and kick his balls into his brain.

10th Jan - I locked myself out of the house today. I had left the bathroom window open near the drainpipe, but I decided against climbing up this. I reckon that by using my parkour skills too early, I might jeopardise my long term progress, so I called for a locksmith instead. On entry, I was surprised to find a burglar using my toilet.

12th Jan – Did a backflip off of a bollard and broke my spine in six places. Obviously, this minor setback will cause me to postpone my training for a little while. I’ll update you with any further progress I make.