I - IT Technician

I’ve always been a technologically minded individual ever since I can remember.  From the age of 5 when I first booted up a Sega Megadrive (or a Genesis to you weirdoes across the Atlantic) and saw a blue hedgehog collecting rings in a playable metaphor for rampant capitalism, I was hooked.  From that point onwards, I began dismantling stereos, computers, and anything with wires.  I didn’t know how to put them back together afterwards and my method of dismantling was a cricket bat, but that’s the kind of thing you hear tech geniuses doing.  One time, I changed all the Windows default noises to Alan Partridge sound clips, so I definitely know a thing or two about computers.  That’s why I applied for a job on an IT servicedesk.

I was pleased when I passed my interview, which consisted of identifying a mouse and restarted a PC successfully, and settled quickly into my desk space.  I scattered a smattering of lucky trinkets across my new desk, hoping that the luck I had attributed to them would somehow affect events on a cosmological scale, and allow me to keep my job for longer than a day.

One thing my technical knowledge didn’t prepare me for was the lack of technical knowledge that the average caller had.  My first caller kept turning her screen off when I asked her to restart her PC.  When I asked one caller to move his mouse to the right corner of his screen, he lifted his mouse and placed it on top of his monitor.  It was a frustrating experience.

While annoying, I reminded myself that I am a technical whizz and that I can’t expect the people around me to understand as much as me.  That said, it was very cathartic to scream “are you a dribbling moron?!” on every other call I took.

Oops, wrong IT

One particular caller rang up and initiated the conversation by referencing that infuriating line from The IT Crowd.

“Before you start, yes, I have turned it off and on again”

Thank you for this information, you massive cockwomble, but I don’t think you can actually restart a PC that you haven’t first plugged in.  Try that, then call us again later when you can no doubt recite another catchphrase and become a champion of humour amongst your colleagues and coworkers.  Please keep me updated on your “garlic bread” and what it’s like being “the only gay in the village”.

When people weren’t ringing up and asking for things, I actually rather enjoyed the job.  I felt like I was actually making a difference, making sure that people could do their jobs effectively.  It was the most productive I’ve ever been in my life, and that includes the time I spent trying to build a matchstick bottle inside a boat.

As with all career prospects in my life, it was all doomed to end in a rather messy fashion beyond my control.  Mainly because I tried to track down one of the users in my car and teach him the meaning of a hard drive.  It’s a shame really, because it was probably the only thing I was ever good at.