Growing up in the information age means that we have a god-given right to bellow our opinions into the void that is the Internet, and that’s exactly why Muppets For Justice exists. When a few billion other people are doing the exact same thing, it becomes almost impossible to make yourself heard, like farting at a foghorn convention. Why would you read these words when someone else out there is writing them in a much superior way? Wait! Come back! Keep reading, I swear I can do better!
Or perhaps brevity is the way forward. In the past I have tried doing one-sentence movie reviews to try and keep people engaged for shorter periods. Nobody paid me to do it back then, but I’ll keep trying in the vain hope that someone sees this and wants to give me a few million. Regardless, here are some movie reviews shortened to one whole sentence. These aren’t necessarily recent; they are just films that I have watched within the last year:
Gravity – Nice effects, but sprinkled with pointless and unnecessary symbolism, and pointless and unnecessary Sandra Bullock.
Captain America: The Winter Soldier – Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. just got retconned!
Frozen – Camper than Guantanamo Gay, so kids will love it.
Iron Man 3 – Swearing at kids is so fucking cool!
The Host – The most wooden thing put to celluloid since the corporate film “What Woody’s Woodshavings Would Do For You”.
Oz: The Great And Powerful – Colourful but bland, like drawing a unicorn on a piece of sandpaper.
Paranormal Activity 4 – 90 minutes of ghosts playing Xbox Kinect.
Despicable Me 2 – Everybody loves minions.
The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty – I haven’t seen the full film, but the 15 minute trailers were essentially as bad as watching the whole thing.