Growing up in the information age means that we have a god-given right to bellow our opinions into the void that is the Internet, and that’s exactly why Muppets For Justice exists. When a few billion other people are doing the exact same thing, it becomes almost impossible to make yourself heard, like farting at a foghorn convention. Why would you read these words when someone else out there is writing them in a much superior way? Wait! Come back! Keep reading, I swear I can do better!
Or perhaps brevity is the way forward. In the past I have tried doing one-sentence movie reviews to try and keep people engaged for shorter periods. Nobody paid me to do it back then, but I’ll keep trying in the vain hope that someone sees this and wants to give me a few million. Regardless, here are some movie reviews shortened to one whole sentence. These aren’t necessarily recent; they are just films that I have watched within the last year:
Gravity – Nice effects, but sprinkled with pointless and unnecessary symbolism, and pointless and unnecessary Sandra Bullock.
Captain America: The Winter Soldier – Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. just got retconned!
Frozen – Camper than Guantanamo Gay, so kids will love it.
Iron Man 3 – Swearing at kids is so fucking cool!
The Host – The most wooden thing put to celluloid since the corporate film “What Woody’s Woodshavings Would Do For You”.
Oz: The Great And Powerful – Colourful but bland, like drawing a unicorn on a piece of sandpaper.
Paranormal Activity 4 – 90 minutes of ghosts playing Xbox Kinect.
Despicable Me 2 – Everybody loves minions.
The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty – I haven’t seen the full film, but the 15 minute trailers were essentially as bad as watching the whole thing.
You're absolutely right! Everybody does love minions! My daughter just asked me if she could have one...a real one. Kids!
ReplyDeleteAs a parent, you are your daughter's minion. You're the one who does all of her dirty work.
DeleteThere is a part of me that wants to see Gravity just because of all they hype it's gotten. Then, I realize that's exactly why I don't want to see it. The best films are usually the ones that don't receive any awards. (Or maybe I'm just not smart enough to understand the ones that do.)
ReplyDeleteIt's worth it for the special effects, and I like the effort they took to make sure that objects behaved realistically in space. Overall I enjoyed it. But there was a lot of weird symbolism that didn't make sense, and some annoying acting.
DeleteWe rented Oz: The Great and Powerful and I was so bored that I stopped watching halfway through it. Dreadful movie. I do love your idea of writing one sentence reviews.
ReplyDeleteThanks. I just think that these days people don't have the time to read full sen...
DeleteNice Post well written and executed. As a Blogger Mr Addman has talent, His use of a yellow with a hint of green is masterful. . . worth a read
ReplyDeleteHow much did we agree for a good review was it the full £500.
DeleteYes, but you used more than one sentence, meaning that our contract is null and void.
DeleteI liked Gravity too but if they had to use Sandra Bullock couldn't they have just CGI'd her in there instead of using the real thing?
ReplyDeleteAre you suggesting that a computer generated Sandra Bullock would be a better actress than a real Sandra Bullock? It's an interesting concept.
DeleteRemember you're a Womble . . . . . . . ?
ReplyDeleteYes, I hit the Publish button before I'd scheduled in a time. Still, at least you know that I'm close to finishing the challenge.
DeleteHahahahahaa... Love this! Haven't seen all these movies (I live in Curaçao; pop culture, like everything else, runs a bit late in the Caribbean), but the reviews made me laugh. "Pointless Sandra Bullock." "Swearing at kids is so fucking cool." "A unicorn on sandpaper." You have a gift for metaphors. I'll be back!
ReplyDeleteGuilie @ Life In Dogs
I'm glad that you don't have to see the movies to get the joke. Thanks for the compliments and I hope to see you around.
Delete