P – Philanthropist

Judging from the observations I conduct on various rich people from various walks of life, I have found a common theme that unites them all.  When they donate some of their disposable income to charity, they are often called philanthropists.  But what is a philanthropist?  Perhaps this is a secret sect, like the stonemasons, who secretly get their members into high-flying careers and make them rich.  Perhaps if I could become a philanthropist too, I could become rich by extension.  That’s why I decided to set up my own charitable foundation.

There are many worthy causes out there that would all benefit from much-needed cash injection.  There’s cancer research, poverty, famine relief, wildlife conservation, and homeless shelters, to name but a few.  However, I realised that there was an area of injustice that no one seems to be paying money or attention to, so I set up my charitable foundation around it.

Please donate to my campaign for Safer Duck Sex (or SDS for short).  Here at Safer Duck Sex, we are utterly baffled by the reproductive organs of some of our most familiar, water-dwelling companions.  Frankly, it’s shocking that ducks ever manage to reproduce, considering the lengths they have to go to.  Let me lay it out for you:

The female duck has a vagina that could house a Minotaur.  They have a maze-like reproductive system which even Earth’s foremost cartographers struggle to put to parchment.  In order to try and compensate for this, male ducks have penises that can extend to roughly the same length as their body.  This prehensile appendage has to navigate her genital labyrinth, meaning that only the most ridiculously proportioned male ducks have the highest chance of fathering ducklings.  Therefore, the act of love making amongst ducks is a frightening and rather dangerous concern.  Since we have sexual health charities for humans, why not give ducks the same luxuries?  We could invest money into sex aids and research new techniques that could make duck carnal relations less stressful.  That way, we can mercilessly slaughter more ducks to make nice Chinese food.  It’s a win-win situation!

Please help me have sex...

I decided I needed to get a few patrons for my charity, so I wrote to Bill Oddie and Keith Harris, who are both renowned duck lovers.  They both pledged eleventy squillion pounds each, which I wasn’t sure was even a real number, but I tried to cash the cheques anyway.  Regardless to say, they bounced.  When I confronted them, it turned out they’d both been sued by the taxpayer for building a duck island, and were both completely broke.

I wrote to all the other celebrities I could think of, and didn’t get a single response.  It seems that duck sex isn’t a popular concern amongst the A-Listers of the world today.  Perhaps they are too shy to engage with such a topic, opting to support lesser charitable cases like leukaemia and orphans instead.

Well, I won’t rest until the topic is on everyone’s lips.  Dear readers, I encourage you talk about duck sex with your family and friends.  Let the world know about the grave, sexual injustice that is happening at ponds across the globe.  Together, we will make duck sex better.  For our children, and our children’s children.