Monday, 14 April 2014

L – Leaf Blower

During the autumn months, many people suffer distress as their garden paths become enveloped in a layer of plant detritus.  Leaves often cause chaos as they clog up drains, provide homes for rats, and scare people who don’t like crunchy sounds underfoot. However, where there is a need, there is a profit to be made.  I often earn a little extra cash by renting out my services as a leaf blower.

Many people cannot afford their own leaf blowers and my rates are substantially cheaper than buying a new one.  Basically, people just hold me by the legs and I blow the leaves away with my breath.  It’s cheap and good for the environment.

Being held upside down amongst the leaf litter really brings a new perspective on life.  Underneath the auburn canopy, there’s a whole new world of unexplored potential just scuttling around our feet.  I’ve witnessed insect empires rise and fall.  I’ve met hedgehogs on their daily commute, scampering to work with a tall coffee.  Life is just as busy as it is on the surface, but events are imbued with a wistful orangey glow as sunlight struggles to penetrate the leaf layer. 

After several days of being a human leaf blower, I began to accept life amongst the leaves and adjust to it.  I knew not to blow on the rats as they had a tendency to bite your lips off.  Life began to make more sense down here, down where it’s wetter, down where it’s better, under the leaves. 

I found myself struggling to cope with normal regular life.  Everything just seemed too bright.  Humans didn’t make much sense to me anymore.  Their actions were mostly unexplainable, such as their predisposition to putting Piers Morgan on TV. Standing upright began to feel peculiar and alien to me.  I didn’t want to take days off because I couldn’t stand the thought of blood running to my feet.  Gravity seemed to be working the wrong way around, and I found myself unable to adjust.

In the end I was renting my leaf blowing services out around the clock, 24 hours a day, just to feel normal. While down there, I discovered a whole underworld of diminutive gnomes.  They worked tirelessly day and night to build a rocket that would break through the canopy, so they could reach the surface.  They believed the surface to be a dry utopia of rainbows, delicious strawberries and sexual tolerance.  They were utterly misguided.  I tried to warn them, but they continued their construction in order to explore the new frontier that I had come to detest.  I pleaded with them to stop, that life beyond the canopy held nothing for them, and they would likely be stepped on or eaten by a slightly peckish dog. Amongst the leaf litter they remained undiscovered.  If our scientists found them, no doubt they would do hideous experiments on the gnomes by forcing them to eat Pot Noodles.

" 'scuse me pal, I'll think you'll find you're in the wrong garden"


The gnomes failed to heed my calls.  They were so certain that the grass was greener beyond their leafy hollow, and they launched their rocket.  I was present for the launch, blowing leaves around on Mr Kimble’s driveway, when a sharp object going at high velocity poked me in the eye.  Their rocket collided with my pupil, killing hundreds of intrepid gnome leafnauts in an instant.  I couldn’t continue blowing leaves after this terrible tragedy.  Life has never quite seemed the same since.  You don’t quite get over the mass killing of macroscopic creatures on such a scale.

15 comments:

  1. I was reading, enjoying, thought about how I would hire you to blow my leaves (blow 'em real good, the money is on the dresser), then I got to the parody of "Under the Sea" and couldn't help but read the rest in a terrible Jamaican accent.

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    1. What are you talking about? Any reference to Disney's The Little Mermaid is purely coincidental. All characters belong to the Disney corporation.

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  2. I think we should all take a moment to remember those brave gnomes that lost their lives on that tragic day. They were so foolish but they were filled with the spirit of adventure. We can't fault them that. It would be a whole different story if they made it.

    Mostly because it would have a different ending.

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    1. Yes they'd still be alive, but they'd be in a laboratory someone eating Kebab-flavoured instant noodles. A fate worse than death.

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  3. If a man delusional enough to blow leaves with his own breath doesn't understand why Piers Morgan is on TV, then God help us, I don't think any of us will ever know.

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    1. What's so delusional about blowing leaves? How on Earth do you remove yours from paths and gardens?

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  4. Poor guys. They aimed for the sky, but landed in your eye. Hopefully it was a quick death and they didn't feel themselves fry. My apologies, I rhyme to cope with the stress brought about by sad endings. *sigh*

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  5. Life among the leaves isn't easy. A clever post.

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    1. Thank you, although it was described as "delusional" earlier, so now I don't know what to believe.

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  6. I think you should change your name to Leaf Blower as a reminder of how many tiny macroscopic creatures died. To be fair rather than you kill them, they attacked you, such is the way of nature. I have always thought of the leaf blower as the most stupid invention since sliced bread, in the old days folk used a device called a broom or the technology superior leaf rack . . rake.

    I hate to ask how you felt with a big strong man between your legs thrusting you round the garden as you did your blowing job in the undergrowth in case it is miss read . . . . .

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    1. I am shocked and appalled by that last comment Rob. I don't think I've ever heard you make innuendo like that before. Keep it up!

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    2. sorry its been a hard day . . . . . . . DAMN I might have done it again . . .

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  7. I would hire you to come over and blow my leaves, but alas, the plane fare from the UK to the US would make it an expensive lawn clean up. And yes, that comment of Rob's was most appalling. I had to cover the panda kindergarten's ears, and then wash their little fuzzy mouths out with soap, be cause they started repeating Rob's comment and generally misbehaving. Yes, I'm visiting from the A to Z. as well. Keep up the good work. http://yourbrainonpandas.com

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    1. A panda kindergarten? I HAVE to see this!

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