Tuesday, 8 April 2014

G – Guillotine Operative

In an effort to stave off my own mortality, I decided to err on the side of caution by becoming an executioner.  Perhaps by working with the reaper, I could perhaps buy myself a few extra years in favours and credit.  The man in the mask is merely a hired body to perform those final fateful acts in a patron’s life.  Surely no one holds any animosity to the hangman, right?  That means less people who are likely to try and kill me in reprisals.  So I primped my CV and sent it off to the Crown Court, asking if they had any openings with a guillotine.  Plus, I like slicing things.

Unfortunately, Britain has disbanded the death penalty for all crimes except regicide, and even then it’s a boring old hanging.  Killing the Queen is obviously not worth the effort.  However, they did suggest that if I traveled to the land of the free, some kind soul might let me throw the switch on a few convicts.  That is when I bought my plane ticket to America.

Try decapitating someone with this

Being an executioner is really cool.  You get to ask people if they have any last words, and if you’re lucky, they’ll say something really poignant.  One guy said “If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine”, which I believe was a quote from Babe: Pig in the City.  He didn’t come back.  He just sort of melted slightly.

Nobody can prepare you for how easy the job is.  You just have to throw a switch and your whole job is over.  If you’re lucky, someone won’t fit into the helmet correctly and you’ll have to throw the switch again, for added excitement.

Just as I was starting to get into my stride, we had to execute someone called Big Bob.  He was on death row for devouring a child after they got a meatball stuck in their hair.  He’d been in prison for the last seven years waiting for his execution, mainly because they had to slim him down enough to fit in the chair.  His appetite for food exceeds Axl Rose’s appetite for destruction.  Now, Big Bob was given the opportunity of a last meal, as is granted to every prisoner facing the electric chair.  Bob, either through shrewd reasoning or through being a slave to his gut, chose an all you can eat Pizza Hut buffet as his last meal.

Three weeks later and we were still trying to honour Bob’s final request.  The prison governor came down to find out why we hadn’t shipped our corpse quota, only to find a prisoner the size of a cell block shovelling pizza into himself with gay abandon.   Technically, there was nothing we could do within the law.  His last meal just kept going and going. 

Eventually, the prison began to shut down as normal operations could not resume.  The government shifted funds and services to other prisons, and we all lost our jobs.  Still, at least we had a severance package which consisted of nothing but stacks of pizza.  The papers called it The Pepperoni Payoff. 

But what happened to Bob?  Rumour has it that he’s wandering free through rural America, sniffing out buffets and discount food outlets.  If you venture out in the pale moonlight, you may see him rifling through a trash can.  As much as I resent getting laid off, I have to respect Bob and his fierce appetite/survival instinct.  I raise my bottomless refill to you Bob, you glorious bastard.

22 comments:

  1. I could do the old joke about Dead End Jobs . . . . But I will not it is a silly joke, a bit like, what is the best day to operate an electric chair . . . . . Fry Day . . . . that is rubbish too.

    I am confused about one thing just how do you fill a bottomless refill, surely that is just silly.

    Say hello to Big Bob . . . . can he fix it, yes he can . . . . Johnston

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You cannot truly fill a bottomless refill, unless you're an optimist. Just make sure you don't fall into your bottomless refill.

      Delete
    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    3. Damn it Sir Addman I have spent most of the day trying to fill up a modified vending machine cup, and now I learn it is only possible if I am an optimist. I just knew there was a reason why it was not going to work; I told everyone it was not going to work but they insisted I vanished off to the caretakers shed and tried. They have all gone home now and left me all alone with a plastic cup with no bottom or as I like to call it now . . . a tube.

      I bet its going to rain now too. . . . .and these qwerty keyboards are rubbish

      Delete
  2. I was raised on the fable of Big Bob. According to the mythology, Big Bob is in Vegas where buffet chefs take turns trying to satiate his appetite. I'm not totally sure what the moral of that particular pseudo-Aesop was, but it taught us all the value of gluttony.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In this case, cramming your face with fast food doesn't lead to an early grave. That's the moral of the story, right?

      Delete
  3. You taught me a new word today: regicide. I wonder how long it has been since that has happened? Anyway - this was a fascinating read and very different from what I am accustomed to reading. This is what the A to Z Challenge is for, isn't it?

    Julie Jordan Scott
    The Bold Writer from A to Z

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Regicide happens every other day around my way. It's like Game Of Thrones (I say without ever watching the show).

      Thanks, I'm pleased that I challenged your reading patterns. Stick around for more the same, but different!

      Delete
  4. "What would you like for your last meal?'
    "I would like my 2,134th meal to be my last meal."

    I wonder if the prison would've accepted that as an answer. Either that, or Big Bob could've said he'd have nothing for his last meal. Therefore, he'll never be executed as he will never not be eating nothing except when he has to take a short break from not eating by eating, but then he will continue eating nothing after he eats something.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well I'm confused, so it must be legit and legally binding. Damn you and your knowledge of the legal system!

      Delete
  5. Remind me to choose an all-you-can-eat buffet for my last meal if the Law ever catches up to me... Do they still have Sizzler restaurants anywhere?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hear that they are setting up in prisons now that this exploit has been revealed.

      Delete
  6. There are few true geniuses in this world; Bob in certainly one of them x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He is a man who thinks with his stomach.

      Delete
  7. I love the sarcasm. But keep in mind that Monsieur Guillotine, the guy who invented the guillotine, died during the French Revolution when his head was locked in position beneath his invention.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't know that. I guess he who lives by the guillotine, dies by the guillotine.

      Sorry for the predictable, bland joke.

      Delete
  8. Obesity, all you can eat buffets, death row. Yup, that's America alright.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Makes me feel patriotic, and I don't even live there.

      Delete
  9. I like that guillotine operators are relatively guillotine free these days. I asked for poison for my last meal. Take THAT bastards!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, you sure showed them with your blowfish and poison dart frog salad.

      Delete
  10. Yum, a pizza hut buffet. I'm already drooling. You can execute me now and I'll die happy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wouldn't you rather eat a Pizza Hut buffet rather then die thinking about it?

      Delete

Leave me a nice comment or die trying.