O – Ocelot

There are many types of ocelot in this world, from Wild to Revolver.  Yet, there are very few zoos and animal facilities that showcase these magnificent pygmy leopards.  They’re missing out on a trick because, due to the prevalence of cat videos on YouTube, everyone would love to see these cute critters rolling around on a rock, or meticulously skinning a sparrow that happened to fly into their cage.  That’s why I decided to breed some ocelots and showcase them for profit.

The problem was, there wasn’t a great deal of breeding out there amongst the ocelot community.  In fact, there wasn’t an ocelot community at all.  I would have gone out to catch some ocelots, but they tend to live in South America and I’m far too lazy/poor to take a trip out there.  There was only one course of action available to me; I would have to become an ocelot myself.

I went to speak to my doctor about becoming an ocelot.  I figured that if men can become women and women can become men, it would be perfectly acceptable for a man to become an ocelot.  My doctor informed me that no such operation has ever been performed, nor would it ever be while he still had air in his lungs. Feeling dejected, I turned to the Internet for more information on feline transformation.

There was a whole community out there who specialised in transforming into animals.  They called themselves “furries”, and they had a wide range of information on turning into various different animals.  Skunks, raccoons, beavers, everything mammalian were all comprehensively detailed amongst their pages.  However, there was a distinct lack of furries who had become ocelots.  When I declared my desire to become an ocelot, I immediately got hundreds of messages saying that they wanted to “yiff” with me.  I assumed this was some sort of encouragement of support until I attended one of their houses and was promptly molested by a middle-aged man dressed as a badger.  It was at this point I decided that the furry community wasn’t exactly what I was looking for.

Na na na na na na na na na CATMAN!

I investigated the body modification lifestyle as an alternative way to become an ocelot.  I met a heavily pierced chap who was very much on the way to becoming a cat.  He wore cat contact lenses and had his top lip split into a triangle to give him a feline mouth.  I also heard that was found humping the tarmac near junction 28 on the M1, trying to get off on the cats eyes in the road.  I decided against this course of action when I saw him try to drink a glass of water and it came streaming out of the holes in his face.

So what was the final solution? In the end, I sellotaped two house cats together to create one ocelot.  Shortly afterwards, I received a court order banning me from owning animals due to “running a circus of unfathomable cruelty”.  I strongly denied the charges.  It wasn’t a circus since there were no clowns involved.  Anyway, if anyone wants to adopt a cat and several rolls of sellotape, you know where to find me.