Thursday 17 April 2014

O – Ocelot

There are many types of ocelot in this world, from Wild to Revolver.  Yet, there are very few zoos and animal facilities that showcase these magnificent pygmy leopards.  They’re missing out on a trick because, due to the prevalence of cat videos on YouTube, everyone would love to see these cute critters rolling around on a rock, or meticulously skinning a sparrow that happened to fly into their cage.  That’s why I decided to breed some ocelots and showcase them for profit.

The problem was, there wasn’t a great deal of breeding out there amongst the ocelot community.  In fact, there wasn’t an ocelot community at all.  I would have gone out to catch some ocelots, but they tend to live in South America and I’m far too lazy/poor to take a trip out there.  There was only one course of action available to me; I would have to become an ocelot myself.

I went to speak to my doctor about becoming an ocelot.  I figured that if men can become women and women can become men, it would be perfectly acceptable for a man to become an ocelot.  My doctor informed me that no such operation has ever been performed, nor would it ever be while he still had air in his lungs. Feeling dejected, I turned to the Internet for more information on feline transformation.

There was a whole community out there who specialised in transforming into animals.  They called themselves “furries”, and they had a wide range of information on turning into various different animals.  Skunks, raccoons, beavers, everything mammalian were all comprehensively detailed amongst their pages.  However, there was a distinct lack of furries who had become ocelots.  When I declared my desire to become an ocelot, I immediately got hundreds of messages saying that they wanted to “yiff” with me.  I assumed this was some sort of encouragement of support until I attended one of their houses and was promptly molested by a middle-aged man dressed as a badger.  It was at this point I decided that the furry community wasn’t exactly what I was looking for.

Na na na na na na na na na CATMAN!

I investigated the body modification lifestyle as an alternative way to become an ocelot.  I met a heavily pierced chap who was very much on the way to becoming a cat.  He wore cat contact lenses and had his top lip split into a triangle to give him a feline mouth.  I also heard that was found humping the tarmac near junction 28 on the M1, trying to get off on the cats eyes in the road.  I decided against this course of action when I saw him try to drink a glass of water and it came streaming out of the holes in his face.

So what was the final solution? In the end, I sellotaped two house cats together to create one ocelot.  Shortly afterwards, I received a court order banning me from owning animals due to “running a circus of unfathomable cruelty”.  I strongly denied the charges.  It wasn’t a circus since there were no clowns involved.  Anyway, if anyone wants to adopt a cat and several rolls of sellotape, you know where to find me.

15 comments:

  1. Nice post thanks for sharing it

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    1. No problem. I will be sure to message you with any more animal transformations that I may attempt.

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  2. Should this in any way discourage my quest to become a human walrus? I'm doing real good on the blubber part.

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    1. I thought you'd prefer to become a human dolphin, given your track record with them.

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  3. I'm loving the Metal Gear Solid reference. There are actually people who are insane enough to believe they are animals in a human body, and would gladly get the surgery so they could live how they feel they are. I can't say I would blame a plastic surgeon for cashing in.

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    1. I'm glad someone got that reference.

      I agree with you, but also, don't doctors have a responsibility to look after us regarding our health? Any doctor should probably send you to a psychiatrist if you asked him to turn you into a possum.

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  4. Your inventiveness with these posts is remarkable.

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    1. I like the diplomatic way in which you just called me a gibbering mental patient. Thanks :)

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  5. I was tempted to look up the word "yiff", and then realized I was at work, so I decided against it.

    Anyway, I hear lions are much easier to come by: http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/the-sideshow/-chinese-zoo-tries-passing-dog-off-as-lion--180952559.html

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    1. I wouldn't recommend looking up any words you find on this Blog, including "if", "and" and "the".

      Also, Chinese zoos are fucking crazy.

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  6. I have had a long think to try and help, sadly it appears this is a situation where thinking is not a good thing to do so I am not going to think.

    As the Doctors are saying that no one has become an Ocelot eve,r because its not easy, I assume if must therefore be dead easy to become the opposite of an Ocelot which I have concluded is a Oozeabit I suggest you try to ooze a bit, I know you can do it if you try. Then after years of practice you will master the ability to ooze a lot, it is then just one small step to Oce a lot. Once you find you're Ocing a lot you can try it with a fur coat on and make meowing noises on your roof at night. Then hey presto you will be in a barred cell with folk looking at you like many a large wild cat, before you can say . . . . Where's the cat nip . . . .

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    1. I already ooze a lot since I caught this damn cold. Do you know of any inventive uses for mucus?

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  7. I think you might have attacked the problem from the wrong angle. If you were going to turn into an ocelot to start making other ocelots that meant you were going to breed with an ocelot once the transformation was complete. Just skip the transformation part, run down to the zoo, jump into the ocelot cage and commence with getting it on with the sweet sweet ocelot lady. Bring candy.

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