Monday, 28 April 2014

X - X Games Competitor

There’s an ancient proverb from the olden days which I think is still rather pertinent to us today.  It goes “if I die before I wake, at least in heaven I can skate”.  I’m not sure who said it; it was probably one of those old philosophers like Plato or John Lennon.  Whoever said it was basically telling us that heaven is a half pipe, and those who don’t skate are probably going to hell.  That’s why I decided to be the best I could be by becoming an X Game Competitor.

There are lots of events at the X Games, but everyone knows that skateboarding is the best.  I’m rather knowledgeable on skating since I have played Tony Hawks Pro Skater 3 at least 5 times.  My Kickshovel McPopit is a trick that would make The Hawkster shit his cargo shorts if he ever saw it (which he never will because he’s so old that I’m pretty sure he’s dead by now).

So I skated down to the sign up day and attempted to register my entry by grinding across the front desk.  They said they couldn’t accept my submission because I had to fill out a form.  Filling out paperwork is something that the man tries to make us do to take precious time away from skating. I refused to fill out the form, and I ollied my way outta that corporate bullshit centre.

R.I.P Dude

With no X Games to compete in, how was I going to become a pro skater?  Obviously, I would have to set up a new event.  An event with no entrance forms, no interference from the man, and no MTV.
I performed a manual all the way down to my local skate park and started to erect signs for the upcoming “A Games”.  The A stands for Awesome, not Addman, in case you thought I was that vain. The kids at the skate park were quite interested in competing and by the end of the day, I had some pretty decent 13 year olds signed up to compete.

As the day of the A Games drew near, I took my little posse out onto the streets to promote my new event.  There was a parade on the local town (something to do with war veterans or something equally boring) so we decided to add a little excitement to the event by kickflipping over the holly wreaths.  When I did a Grab Back AirThrust and screamed “Suck it bitches!  This is the A Games!” during a minute’s silence, the crowd seemed to turn hostile. 

Several people who were supporters of the man started to chase us, included a few police officers, who tried to taser me.  Due to my sweet skating skills, I managed to escape unhurt.  Several of my follow skaters were caught though.  So many in fact, that I was the only remaining competitor in the A Games.  Still, it feels good to win my first gold medal in a professional event.  I also received £10 prize money that I had in my pocket.  It was a good day all round.

13 comments:

  1. Don't most skaters hire someone to fill out the form for them? The literacy rate can't be too high, just judging by the interviews I've seen.
    Did Fonzie show up for the Ayeeeee Games?

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    1. Yup, and a Scottish person showed up for the Aye games.

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  2. Skaters are always getting a bad rap, especially by police officers. If you're pohibited from grinding on caskets and kickflipping over sunbathers, then where are these poor kids supposed to go? I, for one, will offer my support in next year's A Games. I can't skateboard, but I can ride the hell out of a scooter.

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    1. There will be scooter events at the A games. They'll also be a prize to the first person to do a backflip on a segway.

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  3. $10 in prize money is no joke. A guy we went to high school with went on to become a professional roller blader (yes apparently that's a thing), so big that he even got his own shoe named after him. And yet he made so little money (less than I made at a mundane desk job) that when he retired he had to go back to school so he could get a real job. Womp womp. That's what you get for trying to hold on to the 90s as long as possible.

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    1. If you're selling shoes, you'd think there would be quite a lucrative deal involved there. I tried selling my own line of shoes made out of empty tissue boxes. They are quite popular amongst the mentally infirm.

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  4. I was skateboarding back in the day when folk did not know what a skateboard was, I was a pioneer and would do tricks that had no names because none of the tricks had names. But I got into my twenties and as I chilled hurling down a narrow footpath these really nasty railing leapt out at me and tried to rip my arm off, folk laughed and pointed and said it was a stupid looking device (the skateboard not me) so I gave up and then years later it became cool . . . . . timing is everything as you yourself discovered, and I was twenty five years to early. . . .DAMN

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    1. Why aren't you reaping the benefits rather than Tony Hawk? You were the real visionary who took skating out of those caveman days and into the mainstream. Do you have baggy cargo shorts and long sleeved shirts under short sleeved shirts?

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  5. I feel like you might be giving the X Games Ideas here by suggested they kickflip over a funeral procession. That would be totally rad though. I was going to become a pro skater before I realised that I absolutely suck. Now my dream is to help put an X Games event together. I can't skate but damn I'll help other people skate. Then maybe they can teach me. Or I can just rat them out to the cops for a fat tip.

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    1. Hey! We don't want anyone tipping off the pigs. They won't let us graffiti stuff and don't like it when we key their cars. They have some sort of agenda against us.

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  6. I think Tony Hawk started skating at age 3. And to think he continued doing it well into his 70's. We'll never seen another one like him. God rest his soul.

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    1. He is survived by his son, Jonah Falcon.

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  7. Congratulations. On the whole gold medal thing. Who really cares that we're almost done with the A-Z challenge? Nobody.

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