Saturday, 5 April 2014

E – Expert

From my limited sphere of knowledge, I’ve noticed that people who are experts appear to have the best career prospects.  People turn to experts for help and advice, and also employ them at the highest levels of industry and business.  But what is it about experts that we admire so much, and how do you become one?

After a minimal amount of research, I found that you can be an expert in almost anything.  BBC news has a money expert, and economics expert, and a political expert on their newsreader payroll.  While I’m certainly not an expert in any of those fields, I figured that it wouldn’t be too difficult to find something that I was an expert in.  Surely there’s something I can excel at to the point of expertise.  I just needed to find something that I do every day to a certain degree, and I can pretty much start writing blank cheques.

As it turns out, there’s simply no market for being an expert in living in your filth.  I laid around in nothing but a stained t shirt, allowing houseflies to flit around lazily on my genitals whilst letting out a gentle sigh, and yet failed to make a single penny in profit, despite doing it for a solid two weeks.  I could have persevered longer, but the dead mice in the corner were playing havoc with my allergies, so I ventured forth on the path to expertdom.

The next idea I had was to become a sex expert, or as I preferred to call myself, a sexpert.  In order to become a sexpert, one must be very familiar with the act and art of sex.  Having seen plenty of it on TV, and by carefully observing baboons at my local zoo through a zoom lens, I figured I had all of the prerequisite knowledge required to become a fully-fledged sexpert.  But, as all sexperts will tell you, the theory is nothing without the practical, so I needed to put my scientific method to good use.

Experiment:  Can we have sex with this?  Method:  Insert test tube


It turns out that girls don’t like being referred to as “test subjects” and many refused to come back to my laboratory for further study.  Perhaps it was the fact that I was still wearing that t shirt from earlier, or my unusual stethoscope protruding from my trousers, but everyone turned me down flat.  That is, everyone except for Bertha.

Bertha was a wonderful test subject.  She had no qualms about the electrodes, and even asked for more to be added.  We wrestled and wrassled, gripped and grappled, and eventually we found ourselves floating somewhere between the gutter and nirvana.  A state of perpetual ecstasy ensued, which Bertha said she hadn’t experienced in all of her 89 years on this planet.  The throes of passion shook a layer of crusty skin flakes off of her, which hung in the air for days as a thick layer of dust.

Figuring that I had become a sexpert, I tried to find employment with my new set of senior-satisfying skills.  I tried the porn industry, but they didn’t seem very impressed when I showed them the film footage.  It seemed that all my efforts were for naught.  Still, at least I managed to get sweet comfort sex from Bertha. 

If anyone would like to see the footage, just send me an email.  I very proud of the lighting, and the angles merely defy the frame of the shot.  You will not be disappointed.

13 comments:

  1. I hate to tell you Sir Addman but Bertha lied to you she is actually called Brian. Brian does keep doing this, but we have caught him again and this time he is in the secure unit so will not bother you again . . . . . .

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    1. Just keep it to yourself until tomorrow, as we have a date scheduled tonight.

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  2. I am an expert commenter. I make the rounds on the internet telling everybody how stupid they are, and how I could do it better, and how they are ridiculous for having an opinion that is different than mine, or for trying, or caring, or living.
    Yessir, I am truly an expert. What was this post about? Doesn't matter, it was most probably pedantic and ill informed and the author is gay.

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    1. Yes Mr Flip you do, but when you say everyone I think you actually mean me. and maybe Mr Addman to by the look of it.

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    2. Well I can't argue with an expert.

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  3. Awesome topic, and the theme of your blog is hilarious. I'm glad I stopped by. :)

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  4. Thanks for the laughs. But seriously, please return Bertha to her nursing home so she can call out the numbers on Bingo night. She obviously has YOUR number!

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    1. And I have hers. Legs eleven! Meow!

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  5. Glad I found you...even if it wasn't until "E" day. I needed the laugh. I'll be back for the rest of A to Z! Elle @ Erratic Project Junkie

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    1. Well rest assured that this kind of thing is par for the course here. Hope you enjoy!

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  6. I'm an expert in distractions. I start to do something, then move on to something else. Like this one time, I was writing a great comment and then I was hungry so I got up and poured myself some...

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    1. Indeed, and I was just thinking...

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Leave me a nice comment or die trying.