D – Dog Walker

As my search for gainful employment continues, I am starting to realise that I am something of a slacker.  The most effortless jobs appeal to me.  A job with no responsibilities or physical exertion would be ideal, but no one wants to pay me lay helplessly on a bean bag and push mashed potato into my maw.  That why I decided to become a dog walker.

That’s right, there are idiots out there who are incapable of providing the time and responsibility to look after their own pets, so they will willingly hire someone to do it for them.  In many ways, dog walking is an ideal job.  You get to go for a nice easy stroll all day, and play with a fun animal.  What could possibly be better than that?

At first I found plenty of work and was kept reasonably busy by ensuring that people’s canines got a regulation amount of exercise.  But, over time, I started to view the job in a different light.  The thrill of the Frisbee started to fade, and I started to concern myself with the dog’s plight.  These animals were solely dependent on us for everything.  Domestication had forced them to become a race of creatures that begged for scraps in the evolutionary chain of command, both figuratively and literally.  While turning them into loyal companions, we had subjugated them into a willing slave race of the Human Empire, and as an animal lover, that was a rather heart-wrenching thing to contend with.  I felt like a prison guard as I gave them their allotted exercise time.  I watched them loll on the grass, enjoying their few seconds of freedom before the leash was once again secured and the drudgery of their encapsulation ensued.  It began to break my heart.

Please don't subjugate me...

My job swiftly went from rewarding to contemptible.  I wanted to help the dogs escape their tyrannical owners, but what could I do?  I too was a slave to them, but was owned by their money rather than their whims.  I started by taking small moral victories wherever I could.  I let the dogs out for an extra five minutes here and there, trying to enrich their experience and help them escape the mundane existence they inhabited.  I let stray dogs hump them to try and introduce an element of excitement.  But it wasn’t enough.  As I left them alone in those concrete prisons, I could see their begging faces in my mind, pleading for freedom.

That was when I decided to take decisive action.  While the owners were out at work, I sneaked into their houses and set about liberating my canine friends.  They were no longer submissive pets, but were now the masters of their own destinies!  I opened the door and let them run down liberty road, their tongues flapping in the fresh, clean air of hope and independence.  Several of them were struck by passing cars, but those were the choices the dogs made, and I had to respect them for it.

Of course, such an action came with repercussions.  The owners banded together to sue me into oblivion.  However, I knew that when my liberated friends heard of my plight, the dogs would rise up against the former owners, throw off the leashes and collars, and stick it to mankind.  Or at least, that’s what I hoped.  The dogs didn’t try to break me out of prison, or even attend my trail.  The moral of the story is, never expect dogs to defend you in a court of law.