Friday 4 April 2014

D – Dog Walker

As my search for gainful employment continues, I am starting to realise that I am something of a slacker.  The most effortless jobs appeal to me.  A job with no responsibilities or physical exertion would be ideal, but no one wants to pay me lay helplessly on a bean bag and push mashed potato into my maw.  That why I decided to become a dog walker.

That’s right, there are idiots out there who are incapable of providing the time and responsibility to look after their own pets, so they will willingly hire someone to do it for them.  In many ways, dog walking is an ideal job.  You get to go for a nice easy stroll all day, and play with a fun animal.  What could possibly be better than that?

At first I found plenty of work and was kept reasonably busy by ensuring that people’s canines got a regulation amount of exercise.  But, over time, I started to view the job in a different light.  The thrill of the Frisbee started to fade, and I started to concern myself with the dog’s plight.  These animals were solely dependent on us for everything.  Domestication had forced them to become a race of creatures that begged for scraps in the evolutionary chain of command, both figuratively and literally.  While turning them into loyal companions, we had subjugated them into a willing slave race of the Human Empire, and as an animal lover, that was a rather heart-wrenching thing to contend with.  I felt like a prison guard as I gave them their allotted exercise time.  I watched them loll on the grass, enjoying their few seconds of freedom before the leash was once again secured and the drudgery of their encapsulation ensued.  It began to break my heart.

Please don't subjugate me...

My job swiftly went from rewarding to contemptible.  I wanted to help the dogs escape their tyrannical owners, but what could I do?  I too was a slave to them, but was owned by their money rather than their whims.  I started by taking small moral victories wherever I could.  I let the dogs out for an extra five minutes here and there, trying to enrich their experience and help them escape the mundane existence they inhabited.  I let stray dogs hump them to try and introduce an element of excitement.  But it wasn’t enough.  As I left them alone in those concrete prisons, I could see their begging faces in my mind, pleading for freedom.

That was when I decided to take decisive action.  While the owners were out at work, I sneaked into their houses and set about liberating my canine friends.  They were no longer submissive pets, but were now the masters of their own destinies!  I opened the door and let them run down liberty road, their tongues flapping in the fresh, clean air of hope and independence.  Several of them were struck by passing cars, but those were the choices the dogs made, and I had to respect them for it.

Of course, such an action came with repercussions.  The owners banded together to sue me into oblivion.  However, I knew that when my liberated friends heard of my plight, the dogs would rise up against the former owners, throw off the leashes and collars, and stick it to mankind.  Or at least, that’s what I hoped.  The dogs didn’t try to break me out of prison, or even attend my trail.  The moral of the story is, never expect dogs to defend you in a court of law.

13 comments:

  1. But I just hired Clifford; The Big Red Dog Lawyer. This is not a good day for me. Maybe I should try defending myself. I actually do feel a little sorry for dogs. Those guys are way too reliant on people. They even need us to show them where to poop, and clean up after them. I just put a litter tray out for my cats and they just understand that's where they need to go.

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    1. I'm glad that someone shares in my moral dilemma. Who are we to force them to poo on grass and eat off the floor? On the other hand, dogs are pretty cool to own.

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  2. "Give me chew toys, or give me FREEDOM!"
    If you're going to liberate them, you need to reacclimatize them to their wolf ancestry, right up to the point where they're going to maul you, then RELEASE into the wild. Or, imprison the owners, attach shock collars to their necks, and allow the dog to take them for a walk and run their noses in their poops.

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    1. I wonder where dogs would take us if they walked us? I imagine they'd take us to a hardware store to drink from the toilets.

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  3. Dogs are not as clever as we think they are, just try the old fashioned punishment and reward technique of the Carrot and Stick and what do they do, go for the Stick every time........

    All I can say Sir Addman is you are Barking . . . . . .HAH AH HA HAH AH HAHAH HAHAH HAHHAH HA HAH AH HA HAH HHAH AH Hha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

    A great post but a bit RUFF round the edges . . . . . HAH AH HA HAH AH H AH HA HAH AH HA HAH AH HA HAH A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah

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    1. Dog puns? I suggest that you PAWS your activities.

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  4. Maybe they just didn't think they could break you out. You should have armed them before you set them free. If they had machine gun noses, eye lasers, and knife legs, you would probably be free now.

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    1. I'd probably be free, but everyone else would be dead.

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  5. While I might not be much of a dog person, I do hate hearing about the poor dogs that are kept caged all day just because their owners have to work, and don't trust them around the furniture. Thank goodness for people like you!! And I agree with Pickleope; we need to re-program them to be wild.

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    1. Yeah, I think if you're going to get a dog, you need to make sure that you can look after it, which includes spending time with it.

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  6. If you weren't across the pond, I'd assume you were responsible for the plight of Detroit. Dogs have started occupying abandoned homes and travel the street in packs, chasing down the occasional jogger for a mid-afternoon snack. Have you sent missionaries to the US?

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    1. There was a Louis Theroux special the other day about abandoned dogs in LA. Most of them pitbulls that gangster used to intimidate people, then left them out on the street when they couldn't afford or couldn't be arsed to look after them. Seems like the US is being overrun with feral dogs.

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  7. Maybe they thought you would make a great martyr or that with time in prison you could write this awesome manifesto.
    =D
    Seriously, it annoys me to no end when so-called dog lovers won't even let their dogs be dogs. Telling to hurry with their sniffing, giving them minimal walking time and then locking them up in isolation day after day. It is just plain wrong.

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