Monday, 14 November 2011

Bad Guy Supplies

Dear customer,

Thank you for your interest in our products. We at BadGuySupplies are proud to be the number 1 supplier for the Axis of Evil, and cartoon villains everywhere. Here is the product catalogue as you requested. As usual, being the evilly aligned company that we are, there is no returns policy for any faulty goods. We do not apologise for any inconvenience this may cause:

Chasm Of Crabs

Tired of throwing infiltrators into molten lava pits? Have shark tanks become too cliché? Then you need a Chasm Of Crabstm. Filled with only the briniest crustaceans for maximum discomfort, the Chasm Of Crabstm will give any villain’s originality a pinch on the arm. Discretion is assured with a realistic sliding trapdoor and soundproofed sea-battered rocks. Free fitting and delivery is included.

Price - $300,000 inc. VAT

Upgrade to a Bottomless Chasm Of Crabs - $350,000

Diarrhea Turret

For the greener, eco conscious dictator, the Diarrhea Turret is a delicate solution for both waste management and subduing intruders. Make your enemies brown with envy as you coat them with a tepid torrent of turd.

Price - $15,500 per unit.

SPECIAL OFFER: Buy 5 for free warranty on blockages!

Henchmen Segway 

Now your grunts can arrive promptly and in style with these new Henchmen Segways! Painted an evil red with flame detail, these Segways have been customised with a sidearm holster, GPS tracking device, anti-lock brakes, air bag, and an unstable self-detonation system.

Price - $2,400.

Optional extras: Left wheel steering and sunroof.

Invisible Poison 

Ideal for assassination attempts, our poison coating can be applied to any object or surface and doesn’t leave any smell, taste, or visible marks. Invisible Poison can be liberally applied to anything without detection. This product is also water resistant and cannot be washed off. This is an elegant solution to protect the door handles to your office, your lunch, or your poison bottle lids.

Price - $80 per gallon

N.B. Poison is resistant to both brush and pipette. Must be applied with hands. Does not wash off. Do not ingest. Antidote is not available. New hands may be required.

Hitler’s Brain + Accessories 

We have successfully managed to acquire the genetic code for Hitler’s Brain, and have begun mass producing them by the bucketload! Each brain comes with a choice of animal to put it in, including honey badger, blind cave salamander, kingfisher, and many more! Pack also includes an assortment of limbs out of which you can construct your own Nazi Golem. True D.I.Y. evil!

Price $20,000


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  1. A two year old is the most EVIL thing known to man. Simply place a two year old in the room and soon all the adults in the immediate vicinity will be reduced to cowering in the corner of the room, with dead eyes, weeping quietly and whispering "No, I said no. I told them no, and they did it anyway. No. No."

    Cost? Priceless.
    ('Cause if you sell them, all of the sudden it's a federal case, and everybody is judging you and putting you in jail, and they don't know what it's like man, "NO...)

  2. How can a bottomless pit have crabs in it? Unless, of course, they're evil hover crabs that see in the dark and get tangled in your hair like vampire bats! Evil, vampire, hover crabs suck!

  3. @ Flip: Great idea. Perhaps then you could branch out into selling teenagers. Those evil denizens of hells, sat slouched in their hoods, filling their minds with evil thoughts and Justin Beiber...

    @ Greg: Even better. Hover crabs will have to be included in version 2.0.

    @ Anon blog: Thanks very much, I hope you enjoy it here. We have great food, fine wines, and a selection of cyanide-laced french fancies. Just in case.

  4. That's wonderful! My lair needs all of these things... the sharks with attached laser beams are getting a bit out dated.


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