Monday, 7 November 2011

Too Many Fucks

The UN has announced that the population of Earth has reached a staggering 7 billion.  If you're having trouble picturing that number, that's 7,000,000,000, or the equivalent of the combined IQ rating of 3.5 Billion P.E. teachers.

So, what does this mean?  Well, for starters, it's going to be easier to meet new people.  You'll probably meet a lot of folks when you're scrabbling around a dust pit, fighting over the last withered, irradiated carrot in a post-apocalyptic wonderland.  Also, it will increase your chances of bumping into someone in a doorway, so you'll move to the side to let them pass, only for them to do the same thing out of politeness.  Then you'll try again and, what a to do, they also move with you.  You both smile, and then do the exact same thing a third time.  It's a miracle our species has survived this long when we stuck in the doorways of doom until the day we die, but I digress.

In other words, we're overpopulated.  About 2 billion over the ideal amount, to be exact.  Ever since Hitler selfishly stopped having war with everyone, the population has exploded (in a numerical sense, not in a bombing sense).  Advances in science, medicine, and lingerie means that people are living longer and having children at an exponential rate.  This means that, if current consumption rates continue to rise in this manner, the planet will run out of cookies by the year 2024.  If this doesn't force the UN to come up with a solution, then perhaps the lesser side effects of running out room, food, fuel, and everyone boiling to death might sway their decision.

Simon Cowell's tooth whitening treatment, as seen from space.

So what can we do to curb population growth?  Apparently, mass genocide isn't an option, so we need to educate people about safe sex.  In developing countries where the birth rates are highest, there are a lot women who don't have access to family planning advice and medicine.  We need a celebrity campaign to get the word out and stop people breeding so prolifically. Perhaps promoting prophylactics is the way forward.  We can hire a sexy celebrity, like Beyonce, and get her to promote sexual health.  We could even retool some of her songs for this purpose:

"If you like it (The Earth), then you should have put a thing (A condom) on it (your penis)."

Perhaps not quite as snappy as the original, but I think the message is clear.  It's also not quite as confusing as "my body's too bootilicious for stretch marks, baby".

Speaking of number of births, those of us in Western civilisation have started to view children as tiny parasitic monstrosities who hold us back and stop us from achieving great things, and as such, our birth rates have dropped.  In England in the near future, there will be more old people than young in a ratio of 5:1.  That's 5 complaints to the BBC for every 1 viewer of a slightly antagonistic comedy, or 10 purchases of Werther's Originals compared to...actually, I like Werther's Originals.  People in the Pacific Basin don't seem to share these views, and this is where most new people are being born.

For you stats fans out there, 19.3% of the World's population live in China, whilst 17% live in India.  That's 36.3% of everyone living in just 2 countries.  This means that the average name must surely be Sanjeev Chang as opposed to John Smith.  Also, Singapore is the most densely populated country, with 6,535 people packed into every square kilometer.  Luckily for these people, neighbour disputes can be conducted at a whisper.  In terms of density, the UK ranks in at 255 per square kilometer, which seems really rather high.  Of course, we could spread out and reduce this statistic if we were allowed to live in the nearest Tesco, but the managers wouldn't accept this excuse when I climbed into the bed section just after closing time.

A typical Indian scene.  The only time British people gather in numbers like this is for a murder trial.

Back in the annals of time, before agriculture was invented, and when flag semaphore was the preferred method of communication, the human population stood at a steady 1 million people.  Doesn't that sound fantastic?  It would have been a lot easier to be a unique trend setter back in those days.  Simply putting a shoe on your head would have been a stroke of genius, and emos might have seemed quirky.

This suggests to me that there is only one way forward, and that is the banishment agriculture.  Anyone caught growing a plant on purpose, cultivating the land, or running water through man-made constructs, will be blasted into the atmosphere.  It's the humane thing to do.


  1. You are a bit of a wanker and a loss of space in the world-go to Veritas and do the decent thing -commit suicide wanker face

  2. You're right. I'm off to kill myself, brb.


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