Gossip Update From Glaxxor The Space Lizard

Gravelly voiced humanoid CHRISTIAN BALE was spotted throwing his shoes at traffic during a busy rush hour period.  When this columnist slithered to the scene to record the event with a primitive imaging device supplied by Nikon, the famous Batmandible star took flight into a sewer.  This columnist was unable to follow as the gamma radiation from the camera caused him to shed a layer of skin in front of stunned onlookers.

This columnist has received reports that DAME JUDI DENCH is expecting to lay another clutch of eggs this summer.  While this columnist doesn’t fully understand the bizarre human reproductive system, her rosy cheeks while performing in the West End are a sure fire indicator that she is ready to produce offspring imminently.  One wonders what she will name her little Dames.

Renowned trans-dimensional dwarf TOM CRUISE was recently detected within the confines of an LA cult compound.  This columnist was able to breach the security perimeter using stealth camouflage, and witnessed the bipedal humanoid exchanging large quantities of currency with a tracksuit-clad individual.  It is speculated that this currency exchange will help put him in contact with intergalactic emperor Lord Xenu, which may expose this columnist’s cover.  Lord Xenu know far too much about this columnist's mission on Earth, so he will soon be annihilated by a Glaxxorian warship, much to the chagrin of Mr Cruise.

There are recent reports that a KATY PERRY comeback tour has been confirmed.  This columnist isn’t sure why she went away in the first place.  Perhaps her homeworld has exiled her for injecting power crystals into the planet’s core.  If that is the case, this columnist can sympathise.

DESTROYER OF WORLDS

Famed elderly cripple SIR PATRICK STEWART has just returned from a lad’s excursion with SIR IAN MCKELLEN.  After stowing away on their Ryanair flight to the extrasolar location known as Kavos, this columnist witnessed the pair drinking spirits from hollowed out water melons, releasing their buttocks from their low-hanging cargo shorts, and attempting to initiate intercourse with young males and females on the famous Kavos strip.  The pair meandered off into the night, but this columnist couldn’t follow as the fluorescent nightclub lighting interfered with his heat vision.  They were eventually discovered naked on a fishing trawler, alive and well.

Straggly magic lady HELENA BOTTOM-FARTER is set to star in a new technicolour motion picture named “Johnathan Screwdriver-Cock”.  She will play the love interest of sexy hobo JOHNNY DEPP, who in the film is missing his reproductive equipment thanks to the untimely death of VINCENT PRICE.  Helena’s brother TIM BURTON is speculated to be directing the picture.

Lastly, religious leader MORGAN FREEMAN is reportedly pulling out of all his upcoming film projects.  He is currently experiencing an acute case or agoraphobia, and refuses the leave the confines of his Hollywood home or even stand near a window.  This turn of events seems to stem from the time he spotted this columnist breeding in the shallow end of his swimming pool with a particularly frisky bearded dragon named Katie.  This columnist is sad to report that Katie has not returned any of his calls.

If you happen across an interesting human, this columnist encourages you to get in touch.  Set your communicator devices to *8^~~#}~Beta, and inform me as soon as humanly possible.

Celebrity Spots

Being a minor Internet celebrity has it's perks. Once you've had a Blog running for two years and an eBook that has sold literally tens of copies, all sorts of doors begin to open up for you. Admittedly, those doors are usually automatic ones, but you can't help but feel that there's some sort of divine intervention behind curtain.

Just recently I've found myself rubbing shoulders with the hoi polloi of the entertainment industry. Whether this is down to my growing star power, or that I've gotten better at scaling the walls of celebrity mansions, I'm not sure. Either way, I thought I'd regale you with some of the moments that I met famous people out there in the wild.

For starters, last week I saw none other than the Canadian Batman himself, Hugh Jackman. He was fresh from the set of Batman vs Predator 2, and was wanting a drink in my local to cool down after a hard day shooting sex scenes. The barman refused to serve him because he was wearing a particularly sweaty vest and was singing loudly about French revolutions. Mr Jackman took a swipe at the landlord with his adamantium claws, only to realise that he doesn't actually have any, making him look like his punches were falling short by a couple of feet. I offered to buy him a pint of Fosters if he calmed down, to which he got angry as people in his homeland prefer starwberry daiquiris, then left in a huff.

Hugh in his award-winning role as Spiderman.

Moving on, I once shared a photobooth with the guy who plays the android in Futurama, Michael Fassbender. I wanted a passport photo, and he wanted some headshots for a website in which people post pictures of voles that resemble him. We shared the £4.00 cost and had a variety of different poses taken, including a couple of tasteful nudes that I keep in a private stash and only occasionally send to gossip mags for vast, three-figure sums.

Whilst hiking across the Yorkshire moors last Monday, I happened to stumble across Snoop Lion and Katy Perry trying to recreate their hit single, California Girls on the sodden, fog-infested hills of Yorkshire in the middle of Winter. Katy wore a bikini made of fruit pastilles, while Snoop appeared to have the crown jewels on, which were loaned to him for being the "doggiest dogg to ever bow wow" (which I understood upset him as his real fursona is that of a lion nowadays). There didn't seem to be any cameras or music and they rapped and gyrated around for the entertainment of myself and a couple of bemused field mice.  I stook around and politely listened to the first verse, before I wandered off and left them in the distance.

If that wasn't enough for you, I also clocked Keith Chegwin doing a driveby on a playa hater. Oh wait, I wasn't supposed to mention that. If the judge catches wind of that, my family could be in danger. Just forget I said anything, okay?

So, have you ever spotted some celebrities in real life?  Please share your stories here so that we can all live vicariously through the lives of famous people and somehow feel closer to them as a result.

Film Easter Eggs

The anniversary of Christ rising from the dead from his chocolatey egg-shaped cocoon is behind us.  However, the movie industry strives forward to include Easter Eggs in nearly all of it's feature films.

For those who don't know, we're not talking about traditional chocolate eggs here.  What would be the point in that?  You'd need one of Wonka's televisions to be able to taste it.  Instead, the term Easter Egg refers to a hidden reference in a film intentionally put there by the creators as a little extra bonus.  You could say that it's more like finding an extra Christmas present round the back of the tree.  These bonuses probably would be called Christmas presents if it wasn't for the Coca Cola company owning the rights to the festive season, so Easter Eggs it is until Cadbury's get their sugar-coated paws on that holiday too.  Then we'll have to call them Hanukah Dreidels.

As I have a large affection for film, I have dedicated my life to cataloguing these Easter Eggs.  You'll thank me one day when this knowledge becomes part of the National Curriculum.  Anyway, allow me to list a few examples that you may not be aware of:

Some Easter Eggs of something called "Pocket Men"

Terminator 2 - Danny De Vito appears as Arnie's twin cyborg brother, and can be seen briefly crying behind John Connor during Schwarzenegger's firey death scene.  He is crying his little robot eyes out, literally, as they dangle out of his sockets and clack together like a Newton's Cradle.

The Hobbit - The dwarves Oin and Gloin have several split second scenes where, instead of the usual bear pelt shirts they are associated with wearing, they can clearly be seen wearing "I'm With Stupid" t-shirts.

The Dark Knight Rises - When Anne Hathaway straddles the Bat-Cycle, if you freeze frame and zoom in at exactly the correct point, you can see a small tear in the crotch of her catsuit.  It is rumoured that by zooming in enough, you can see a portal to the future and witness the end of civilisation as we know it, but this has not been confirmed.

Bridesmaids - When one of the Bridesmaids runs in front of a car, one of the posters in the shop window is actually a flyer for the planned sequel Bridesbutlers.  Unfortunately, this sequel has since been discontinued because Chris O' Dowd thought that a butler's uniform was disrespectful to his heritage.

Mary Poppins - During one of the animated sequences, the film is replaced by a 2 frame shot of a woman's bare ankles.  Although this is impossible to pick up during regular viewing, this subliminal shot would have caused many cinema patrons to have spontaneous heart attacks over this gratuitous exposure to naked flesh, if it had been discovered sooner.

Mars Attacks - As is usual with Tim Burton films, Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham-Carter can be seen making out in the background as the alien's land and incinerate everyone.

Skyfall - If you listen to Adele's theme song backwards, you might actually mistake it for a good song.

"Skafawwwwwwww when ya crumbawwwwww"

The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus - Several bronze statues of Dustin Hoffman can be seen throughout the film, suggesting that it is a direct sequel to Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium.

The Twlight Saga - Overhead shots in all five Twilight movies (yes, there's five of them) reveal mysterious alien crash sites all around the foggy town in which the story takes place.  This alien conspiracy, as confirmed by the writer Stephanie Meyer, suggests that Twilight takes place on a future Earth after civilisation has been destroyed by the marauding death fleets of an extra-terrestrial empire.  As civilisation has built itself back up and the invasion long since forgotten, many of Earth's inhabitants now have super powers after exposure to alien death rays, namely the abilities of Vampires and Werewolves, and they're also very good in bed.  Twilight is actually the story of alien mutations and life after the apocalypse, rather than the Mormon parable of abstinence and teenage angst that we've all grown to revile.

Pulp Fiction - In a split second shot, you can see that the glowing object in the case is actually a mint condition Spiderman comic that Quentin Tarantino has owned since being a boy.

I have many more of these, but I don't want to ruin the hunt for you guys.  If you know of any Easter Eggs, please put them in the comments box for us all to savour.

Harry Styles News Wire

Thank you for signing up to the Harry Styles News Wire, the number 1 resource for all news concerning Harry Styles.  Here is your personalised Harry Styles bulletin:


Harry Styles Donates To Charity

Harry Styles has found a worthwhile cause to get behind.  The One Direction Hunkcake has made the generous donation of £17.55 to the Mirror Fund, a registered charity aiming to supply all teenage girls with mirrors.

“It’s shocking that in this day and age, some young girls have to get up in the morning and get ready without a mirror” said Harry on his life-changing donation. “It’s just awful.  These girls don’t know they’re beautiful”.

What a hunk!  He's like Daniel Craig with a bad perm.

Harry Styles Is Still 19 Years Old

After the excitement over Harry’s birthday on the 1st of Feb, we checked in with other members of his band to confirm that the One Direction Dreamhovercraft had not had a secret birthday without informing the general populace.

“I don’t think he’s had another party, has he?” stated someone else from One Direction named Niall.

“Nope, he’s still 19” revealed another inconsequential band member.

After digging through his bins for evidence of birthday cards or leftover cake, it would appear that Harry is still 19, allaying fears that he might have pushed on to 20 in record time.

This lends evidence to the theory that Harry Styles is ageing at a normal rate, ruling out concerns that he might be rapidly degenerating, or that he has Benjamin Button Syndrome.


Harry Styles Revealed To Drink Liquid

Sales of PG Tips have skyrocketed after an unusual celebrity endorsement.  A cafe owner in Camden claims to have served Harry Styles a cup of tea!  If our source is correct, this suggests that the One Direction Mancrumpet may have a recognisable human digestive tract, and may be sustained by the familiar human principles of eating and drinking.. 

“I asked him if he wanted a biscuit with his tea, but he said no” revealed the brazen cafe owner, although he refused to reveal how many sugars he takes due to “customer confidentiality”.

Leading scientists conclude that evidence of Harry’s digestive tract may also lead to official Harry Styles Pee and Poo merchandise, crafted by the man himself.  The sewer hunt is on to collect some of this momentous memorabilia.


Taylor Swift is an “Uber-Bitch”

At a recent One Direction concert, we asked everyone who attended what they thought of Taylor Swift.  A landslide 97% concluded that Ms. Swift, 23 from Pennsylvania, is an “Uber-Bitch”.  Just 2% thought she was a regular bitch, while 1% abstained from voting.

After breaking the One Direction Jizz-Spinkler's heart, Taylor Swift has come in for stern criticism from former fans.

“An Uber-Bitch is like the queen of an ant’s nest of bitches” said leading wildlife-wrangler Steve Backshall.  “The only way to stop her is to get Sigourney Weaver to set fire to her eggs with a flamethrower”

Since earning the title of Uber-Bitch, we are encouraging all Harry fans to send her hate mail and bomb threats for the way in which she broke his heart.


One Direction and JLS Secret Knife Fight

Have you seen much of JLS lately?  Speculation is rife that the rival bands recently held a midnight knife brawl, with Harry Styles superior blade proficiency leading 1D to an overwhelming victory.  The fight was allegedly over the poor state in which JLS left a tour bus.

“Aston spilled tippex on the floor after a mishap with his Geography homework” claims a source who cannot be named as he is frightened by Harry’s swordsmanship “the boys weren’t having none of it.  It was the only way to settle things.”

“There was only one rule for the fight.  STAB HIM!  STAB HIM! STAB HIM!”

Aston:  Dead?

Harry Styles Spotted By Human Eyes

Two teenage girls are reported to have caught a glimpse of Harry Styles with the naked eye, it was revealed yesterday.  This is the first known report of the One Direction Under-age Fantasy being spotted without the use of specialist vision-enhancing equipment.

“I thought Harry couldn’t be seen under a normal light spectrum” said Rachel Underwood, 14. “At first I thought I was wearing my officially licensed Harry-Spotting infrared goggles, but when I reached for my face, they weren’t there”.

“I wasn’t even sure that Harry had a form in our physical realm” stated Hannah Bisley, 13. “I just assumed that he was a swirling ethereal essence that’s permeating our plane of existence, or an abstract concept, like time itself”

Celebrity Tweets (The Most Awful Title I've Ever Written)

To all who may read this,

Certain aspects of a certain Blogger have recently come to my attention, and I feel it is my duty to inform you about them.  The Blogger in question is  Mr Bumferry Hogart of Thoughtless Gibberish fame.

Now, let’s be clear on this matter before we start; I am not of the homosexual persuasion.  I have spent countless hours contemplating the majesty of boobies to the point that my long term cognitive reasoning has been irreparably affected.  I have been in a stable, heterosexual relationship for the last 9 years of my life, and I’m proud of it.  However, a guy like Bumferry can turn a chap’s head.

What a hunk!

Bumferry is, in the rawest sense, a complete and utter sex beast.  I've tried to keep my secret for Bumferry, well, secret of course.  However, I feel like I am going to explode in a shower of bromance if I don't declare my deepest love and attraction to this delicious chunk of man.

Bumferry’s nipples are delectable.  They proudly protrude into my daily thoughts, giving me a sudden urge to purchase gallon after gallon of olive oil.  Jacuzzi share prices sky rocket whenever me and Bumferry are in the same time zone as each other.

I have a fantasy where I’m in the middle of deepest, darkest Peru.  I’ve fallen into a pit of quick sand and I’m slowly sinking.  As the tireless pull of the shifting sand drags me to the point where my head is submerged, I suddenly find a lasso has somehow secured itself around my waist.  At that final moment, I am pulled to safety by none other than Bumferry.  He is shirtless, wearing a pair of light denim jeans and an explorer’s hat.  As he hoists me to safety, he scoops me up by putting his left arm behind my knees, lifting me up and holding me tightly.  He feels warm and comforting, like a security blanket made of pure man.  He carries my off into the sunset as “Love lifts us up where we belong” plays in the background.

For those who are feeling bemused, creeped out, or a little bit turned on, there is a reason why I’m confessing of my love for Bumferry.  Basically, I lost a bet and this is the loser’s forfeit.

Last Friday we set ourselves a challenge on Twitter.  We had to try our hardest to get celebrities and companies (any type of famous Twitter account) to either Retweet, Favourite or Reply to our Tweets.  Whoever had the most by the end of the week would be declared the winner.  The loser had to write a post about their attraction to the winner.

I managed to get a measly score of 4 during the challenge.  I really tried, but it seems that most celebrities are either too ignorant or too humorless to respond.  I refuse to believe that it's because I'm an inconsequential nobody.  I used every tactic I could possibly think of, from flattery:

To humour:

To customer service accounts for corporations:

To the downright bizarre:

For those that don't know, Derek Acorah is a medium.   A shit one at that.

It seemed that nothing would work.  Then I started telling outrageous lies, which seemed to achieve a modest degree of success:

A birthday tweet from Hulk Hogan when it's not even my birthday?  How on Earth could I possibly top that?

Yes, a Retweet from Danny John-Jules.  The guy who plays The Cat on Red Dwarf!  Hey, it matters to me dammit!

So yes, I failed the challenge and Bumferry is the God of all sex.  This evidence will be submitted in my trial for harassing celebrities over Twitter.  

EDIT:  Just one more thing.  If you fancy following either myself or Bumferry on Twitter, now you can.  You will laugh, you will cry, and you will probably regret doing so.

2012 Predictions

What a busy year this has been. 2011 has been so stuffed with fun-packed memories that I can’t even remember everything that happened. What with all the Middle Eastern civil wars, dictator toppling, newspaper closing and rioting, I’d forgotten that I won a tenner on a scratchcard back in April! I really ought to cash that in, oh wait, it’s expired. Damn you, distracting news!
Anyway, rather than do a retrospective piece which will have been done to death by now (by the way, I wrote a retrospective article on other people’s “Best Of 2011” articles, but it was so overwhelmingly metaphysical that it caused test audiences to cry blood), I thought I’d make a few predictions for the coming year instead. Here they are, in a lazy list format:

The Middle East Will Stop Rioting

2011 was such a tiring year for the Middle East, so it’s time for them to put their feet up for a while. With most fascist dictators either overthrown or in exile, citizens will start swapping their AK-47s for a cup of camomile tea instead. Images of people shooting into the air as though they have a vendetta against the Sky People, will eventually come to a close.



Hope you don't mind charred gifts this year


Europe Will Start Rioting

Westerners are starting to get agitated that they can no longer afford their designer iPhone cases, with many people taking to the streets to protest against capitalism, banks, money, and anything to do with finance. By 2012, the protestors will be demanding that all currency symbols are censored (meaning that we’ll no longer be able to censor swear words with £$%$£ anymore), and that money is replaced altogether with a convoluted sexual favours system. Stock exchanges will be transformed into perpetual, writhing orgies, and Abba’s hit “Money Money Money” will be conveniently erased from history.

Gary Barlow Will Be Assassinated

Since Gary’s appointment to X Factor judge, gossip pages can’t get enough of his manbaby features and unkempt stubble. The headlines are all the same: “Gary Barlow Insults Hopeful”, “Gary Barlow On All Night Bender”, “Gary Barlow Can’t Achieve Orgasm Unless Suspended In Gelatine”. It’s enough to drive a perfectly sane person crazy!

As is always the case, when someone becomes inconceivably popular, someone will try to kill them. Just look at John Lennon and John F Kennedy. If we take this recurring theme as fact, and if Mr Barlow changes his name to John, his fate will be sealed! That’s why they never managed to bump off Hitler.

Next year, he'll be on Ex Factor!  Ahahaha!

Someone Will Die

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I reckon that at some point during 2012, someone, somewhere, will die. I can’t be any more specific in terms of name, date, or location, but I have a terrible feeling that it will happen.

The Mayan Prophecy Won’t Happen

I know it’s outlandish to suggest such a thing, but perhaps the world won’t end this year. I mean, just because some ancient dudes couldn’t be bothered to create calendar dates further than 10,000 years in advance doesn’t mean we’re all doomed. It’s like you trying to mark Auntie Maggie’s birthday on a calendar for May the 22nd in the year 8042. Just remember you’ve got a dentist appointment on the 23rd.

Rupert Murdoch’s Son Will Be Exorcised

That says exorcised, not executed. We’re not savages, for Christ’s sake! No, we’re only going to tie James Murdoch to a stake, throw tainted water at his face, sear his flesh with hot branded crucifix symbols, and chant religious nonsense until the demons are driven from his mortal coil. Then if he confesses to witchcraft, we’ll burn him. Actually no, this is the 21st century. We’ll microwave him instead.

The power of Anthony Hopkins compels you!

Saif Gaddafi Will Get A Reality Show

The funniest moment of 2011 is when the Libyan rebels claimed to have captured Colonel Gaddafi’s favourite son, Saif, only for him to turn up the next day and start shaking hands with people. Either the rebels accidentally captured Penfold from Danger Mouse instead, or Saif is the world’s greatest escapologist. It’s just a shame he got captured again a few weeks ago.
In a repeat of this extraordinary feat, I expect Saif to appear on television in his own Osbournes-style show, to show the world how free he is again.

Clegg And Cameron Will Fuse Into One Entity

After almost two years of coalition government, I find Nick Clegg and David Cameron hard to differentiate. Perhaps it’s because they both look like misshapen waxworks of themselves, or the fact that the unintelligible garbage they both spew is nearly identical. Either way, a gap in the Science And Research budget will reveal a plot to combine the two politicians into the unique policy-making cacodemon known only as Cleggeron. Actually, that Mayan prediction isn’t looking so farfetched anymore...

And there you have it. If all of these don’t happen at some point during 2012, I’ll eat my hat! It doesn’t matter that my hat is made of cheese, it’s the gesture that counts.

Too Many Fucks

The UN has announced that the population of Earth has reached a staggering 7 billion.  If you're having trouble picturing that number, that's 7,000,000,000, or the equivalent of the combined IQ rating of 3.5 Billion P.E. teachers.

So, what does this mean?  Well, for starters, it's going to be easier to meet new people.  You'll probably meet a lot of folks when you're scrabbling around a dust pit, fighting over the last withered, irradiated carrot in a post-apocalyptic wonderland.  Also, it will increase your chances of bumping into someone in a doorway, so you'll move to the side to let them pass, only for them to do the same thing out of politeness.  Then you'll try again and, what a to do, they also move with you.  You both smile, and then do the exact same thing a third time.  It's a miracle our species has survived this long when we stuck in the doorways of doom until the day we die, but I digress.

In other words, we're overpopulated.  About 2 billion over the ideal amount, to be exact.  Ever since Hitler selfishly stopped having war with everyone, the population has exploded (in a numerical sense, not in a bombing sense).  Advances in science, medicine, and lingerie means that people are living longer and having children at an exponential rate.  This means that, if current consumption rates continue to rise in this manner, the planet will run out of cookies by the year 2024.  If this doesn't force the UN to come up with a solution, then perhaps the lesser side effects of running out room, food, fuel, and everyone boiling to death might sway their decision.

Simon Cowell's tooth whitening treatment, as seen from space.

So what can we do to curb population growth?  Apparently, mass genocide isn't an option, so we need to educate people about safe sex.  In developing countries where the birth rates are highest, there are a lot women who don't have access to family planning advice and medicine.  We need a celebrity campaign to get the word out and stop people breeding so prolifically. Perhaps promoting prophylactics is the way forward.  We can hire a sexy celebrity, like Beyonce, and get her to promote sexual health.  We could even retool some of her songs for this purpose:

"If you like it (The Earth), then you should have put a thing (A condom) on it (your penis)."

Perhaps not quite as snappy as the original, but I think the message is clear.  It's also not quite as confusing as "my body's too bootilicious for stretch marks, baby".

Speaking of number of births, those of us in Western civilisation have started to view children as tiny parasitic monstrosities who hold us back and stop us from achieving great things, and as such, our birth rates have dropped.  In England in the near future, there will be more old people than young in a ratio of 5:1.  That's 5 complaints to the BBC for every 1 viewer of a slightly antagonistic comedy, or 10 purchases of Werther's Originals compared to...actually, I like Werther's Originals.  People in the Pacific Basin don't seem to share these views, and this is where most new people are being born.

For you stats fans out there, 19.3% of the World's population live in China, whilst 17% live in India.  That's 36.3% of everyone living in just 2 countries.  This means that the average name must surely be Sanjeev Chang as opposed to John Smith.  Also, Singapore is the most densely populated country, with 6,535 people packed into every square kilometer.  Luckily for these people, neighbour disputes can be conducted at a whisper.  In terms of density, the UK ranks in at 255 per square kilometer, which seems really rather high.  Of course, we could spread out and reduce this statistic if we were allowed to live in the nearest Tesco, but the managers wouldn't accept this excuse when I climbed into the bed section just after closing time.

A typical Indian scene.  The only time British people gather in numbers like this is for a murder trial.

Back in the annals of time, before agriculture was invented, and when flag semaphore was the preferred method of communication, the human population stood at a steady 1 million people.  Doesn't that sound fantastic?  It would have been a lot easier to be a unique trend setter back in those days.  Simply putting a shoe on your head would have been a stroke of genius, and emos might have seemed quirky.

This suggests to me that there is only one way forward, and that is the banishment agriculture.  Anyone caught growing a plant on purpose, cultivating the land, or running water through man-made constructs, will be blasted into the atmosphere.  It's the humane thing to do.