Gravelly voiced humanoid CHRISTIAN BALE was spotted throwing his shoes at traffic during a busy rush hour period. When this columnist slithered to the scene to record the event with a primitive imaging device supplied by Nikon, the famous Batmandible star took flight into a sewer. This columnist was unable to follow as the gamma radiation from the camera caused him to shed a layer of skin in front of stunned onlookers.
This columnist has received reports that DAME JUDI DENCH is expecting to lay another clutch of eggs this summer. While this columnist doesn’t fully understand the bizarre human reproductive system, her rosy cheeks while performing in the West End are a sure fire indicator that she is ready to produce offspring imminently. One wonders what she will name her little Dames.
Renowned trans-dimensional dwarf TOM CRUISE was recently detected within the confines of an LA cult compound. This columnist was able to breach the security perimeter using stealth camouflage, and witnessed the bipedal humanoid exchanging large quantities of currency with a tracksuit-clad individual. It is speculated that this currency exchange will help put him in contact with intergalactic emperor Lord Xenu, which may expose this columnist’s cover. Lord Xenu know far too much about this columnist's mission on Earth, so he will soon be annihilated by a Glaxxorian warship, much to the chagrin of Mr Cruise.
There are recent reports that a KATY PERRY comeback tour has been confirmed. This columnist isn’t sure why she went away in the first place. Perhaps her homeworld has exiled her for injecting power crystals into the planet’s core. If that is the case, this columnist can sympathise.
|DESTROYER OF WORLDS|
Famed elderly cripple SIR PATRICK STEWART has just returned from a lad’s excursion with SIR IAN MCKELLEN. After stowing away on their Ryanair flight to the extrasolar location known as Kavos, this columnist witnessed the pair drinking spirits from hollowed out water melons, releasing their buttocks from their low-hanging cargo shorts, and attempting to initiate intercourse with young males and females on the famous Kavos strip. The pair meandered off into the night, but this columnist couldn’t follow as the fluorescent nightclub lighting interfered with his heat vision. They were eventually discovered naked on a fishing trawler, alive and well.
Straggly magic lady HELENA BOTTOM-FARTER is set to star in a new technicolour motion picture named “Johnathan Screwdriver-Cock”. She will play the love interest of sexy hobo JOHNNY DEPP, who in the film is missing his reproductive equipment thanks to the untimely death of VINCENT PRICE. Helena’s brother TIM BURTON is speculated to be directing the picture.
Lastly, religious leader MORGAN FREEMAN is reportedly pulling out of all his upcoming film projects. He is currently experiencing an acute case or agoraphobia, and refuses the leave the confines of his Hollywood home or even stand near a window. This turn of events seems to stem from the time he spotted this columnist breeding in the shallow end of his swimming pool with a particularly frisky bearded dragon named Katie. This columnist is sad to report that Katie has not returned any of his calls.
If you happen across an interesting human, this columnist encourages you to get in touch. Set your communicator devices to *8^~~#}~Beta, and inform me as soon as humanly possible.