Monday 9 June 2014

Gossip Update From Glaxxor The Space Lizard



Gravelly voiced humanoid CHRISTIAN BALE was spotted throwing his shoes at traffic during a busy rush hour period.  When this columnist slithered to the scene to record the event with a primitive imaging device supplied by Nikon, the famous Batmandible star took flight into a sewer.  This columnist was unable to follow as the gamma radiation from the camera caused him to shed a layer of skin in front of stunned onlookers.

This columnist has received reports that DAME JUDI DENCH is expecting to lay another clutch of eggs this summer.  While this columnist doesn’t fully understand the bizarre human reproductive system, her rosy cheeks while performing in the West End are a sure fire indicator that she is ready to produce offspring imminently.  One wonders what she will name her little Dames.

Renowned trans-dimensional dwarf TOM CRUISE was recently detected within the confines of an LA cult compound.  This columnist was able to breach the security perimeter using stealth camouflage, and witnessed the bipedal humanoid exchanging large quantities of currency with a tracksuit-clad individual.  It is speculated that this currency exchange will help put him in contact with intergalactic emperor Lord Xenu, which may expose this columnist’s cover.  Lord Xenu know far too much about this columnist's mission on Earth, so he will soon be annihilated by a Glaxxorian warship, much to the chagrin of Mr Cruise.

There are recent reports that a KATY PERRY comeback tour has been confirmed.  This columnist isn’t sure why she went away in the first place.  Perhaps her homeworld has exiled her for injecting power crystals into the planet’s core.  If that is the case, this columnist can sympathise.

DESTROYER OF WORLDS

Famed elderly cripple SIR PATRICK STEWART has just returned from a lad’s excursion with SIR IAN MCKELLEN.  After stowing away on their Ryanair flight to the extrasolar location known as Kavos, this columnist witnessed the pair drinking spirits from hollowed out water melons, releasing their buttocks from their low-hanging cargo shorts, and attempting to initiate intercourse with young males and females on the famous Kavos strip.  The pair meandered off into the night, but this columnist couldn’t follow as the fluorescent nightclub lighting interfered with his heat vision.  They were eventually discovered naked on a fishing trawler, alive and well.

Straggly magic lady HELENA BOTTOM-FARTER is set to star in a new technicolour motion picture named “Johnathan Screwdriver-Cock”.  She will play the love interest of sexy hobo JOHNNY DEPP, who in the film is missing his reproductive equipment thanks to the untimely death of VINCENT PRICE.  Helena’s brother TIM BURTON is speculated to be directing the picture.

Lastly, religious leader MORGAN FREEMAN is reportedly pulling out of all his upcoming film projects.  He is currently experiencing an acute case or agoraphobia, and refuses the leave the confines of his Hollywood home or even stand near a window.  This turn of events seems to stem from the time he spotted this columnist breeding in the shallow end of his swimming pool with a particularly frisky bearded dragon named Katie.  This columnist is sad to report that Katie has not returned any of his calls.

If you happen across an interesting human, this columnist encourages you to get in touch.  Set your communicator devices to *8^~~#}~Beta, and inform me as soon as humanly possible.


14 comments:

  1. Helena Bottom-Farter is my drag queen name. Speaking of drag queens, I think Dame Judi Dench's spawn would have to be named "Lame Nudey Stench."

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    1. Most babies are born lame, nude, and stinky, so I guess that name would be quite suitable.

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  2. I actually didn't realise Katy Perry was gone. If her home planet needs her, then she was too good for this world anyway. Come back soon Katy. Earth needs you.

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    1. She was probably expelled from her home planet after almost destroying it by injecting power crystals into the planet's core. I don't think her homeworld are that keen for her to come back.

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  3. I love Glaxxor. He puts a palatable spin on the onerous Earth celebrity gossip. Also I'll help Katy Perry with her comeback, if you know what I mean. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Yes, I will purchase her new single on iTunes.

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    1. ##HEALTH WARNING: Muppets For Justice does not support the ownership, purchase, and consumption of Katy Perry's music##

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  4. Another win for Glaxxor.

    If Morgan Freeman pulled out of all of his upcoming movies and his parts had to be filled with other people, the unemployment rate in this country would drop to almost zero, so that's great news.

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    1. Good point, Morgan Freeman is the sole cause of unemployment across the globe. Do you remember that scene in Bruce Almighty when Jim Carey enters the building and Morgan Freeman is both the janitor and the boss? That's actually an allegory for Morgan Freeman in general.

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  5. I bet hanging out with Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen would just be like one nonstop alcohol fueled orgy. Yep, just an awkward, old, wrinkly, and sometimes gay orgy.

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    1. An awkward, old, wrinkly and sometimes gay orgy? Sounds like a regular orgy to me.

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  6. I was under the impression that Dame Judi Dench was a Glaxxorian, but upon further inspection, I see that her skin has yet to shed but rather loosens and tightens in quick succession. What is her deal?

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    1. I believe that Dame Judi Dench is only Glaxxorian through marriage, so not a real Glaxxorian.

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  7. My new ultimate life goal is to go on a holiday to Kavos with Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart.. xx

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    1. I'd love to take that trip too, but I don't think I could keep up with them. They are real party animals.

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