Friday, 6 June 2014

Who The Hell Do You Think You Are?



Have you ever tried to trace your family tree?  I have, but the wooden ridges were far too bumpy and my pencil tore the paper in several places.  I almost gave up on the whole affair until I discovered Inbred.com, a site dedicated to tracing your ancestors.

Inbred.com is a wonderful service that will display the hideous, deformed branches of your family tree.  Those branches that your anti-descendants tried to trim from the tree will be exposed for the glaring, webbed-kneed horrors that they really are, and you’ll be bloody grateful for it.

This is the only website on the Internet that understands and accepts you and your dysfunctional genome.  Everyone in the human race is descended from Adam and Eve, so we’re all inbred to some degree or another.  That’s just scientific fact.  Inbred.com will calculate all the variables involved and score you on a 10 point scale, with 10 being the most mutated.  Scoring a 10 is almost impossible since you’d probably be unable to use a computer at that point, but it’s a handy system nonetheless.

Don’t believe me?  Just ask any of Inbred.com’s loyal customers how well it works.

Barry Klugg – Professional Wiper

Hi my name is Barry and I’ve been using Inbred.com for about 50 years.  In all my 27 years on this Earth, I have never seen such a gnarled, twisted family tree as mine.  Apparently, my mum gave birth to herself, which was something I’ve always suspected.  This website confirmed my worst fears and nightmares, but gave me something to blame when I get sacked from Poundland again.  Thanks Inbred.com!






Joffley Grouseface – Rifle Shooter

Good day ladies and gentlemen.  I am Joffley, 3rd viscount of Wessex and owner of the world’s fattest goose.  When I wanted to win a bet over who is the most aristocratic amongst my bridge-playing chummies, I just loaded up Inbred.com.  Turns out I’m so inbred that I technically owe my own father a marriage dowry.  I managed to acquire several estates through winning said bet.  I also met a few cousins that I hadn’t yet had sex with, which was delightful.







Jedd Bubson - Fire Chief

Hullo, I’m Jedd an’ I’m here to tell you ‘bout this new webbed site called…whut’s it called again?  Inbread?  Well shit son!  I had a dream the other day that my wife Marlene was made of bread!  Best damn dream I ever dreamed up.  Can I have ma beer now?








As you can see, Inbred.com has literally dozens of satisfied clients!  Why not use your contorted digits to push the mouse towards that sign up button today?!  Today!  You know, before the sun goes down!  That firey orb in the sky!  That’s the one.

10 comments:

  1. It seems like Muppets for Justice is mostly ads these days.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We're just inventing new ways to sell out these days.

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  2. I thought I had the world's fattest goose. I'm going to have to take steps to make sure that mine is the best. Hopefully I'm not too inbred to be able to do this.

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    Replies
    1. You could breed with your goose. I'm not sure what this would achieve, but it sure is amusing from an outsider's perspective.

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  3. Hiya! Another satisfied customer, here. At first, I though Inbred.com was some sort of online sandwich dispensary. However, after learning it's true purpose, it helped me reconnect with my long lost sister, Aunt Hildred! Thanks, Inbred.com!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're welcome. Give her one from me!

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  4. After inputting my details into inbred.com I soon received an email from a long lost Nigerian Cousin WHO IS A PRINCE! Imagine my surprise when it turned out he needed help due a military coup in his country and he needed someone to help him shift a $$$$'s to the UK.

    I gave my bank details, sent my original passport, cheque book, keys to my house, and a sample of DNA so that he could send my the money.

    That was three weeks ago.

    I hope he's okay because he isn't replying to my emails and there's been nothing on the news......

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're related to Nigerian royalty? Your majesty, I am your humble servant!

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  5. Damn you, Grouseface, I will reclaim the title of owner of fattest goose. This I promise you. And I won't be like some unnamed people who achieve the title through forced feedings and steroids. Oh no. My goose will learn the pleasures of being sedentary and drinking soda and eating pure corn syrup.
    This inbreeding site sounds nice though. Can I use it to get a date with my cute cousin? Hold on, I just reread, inbred.com is NOT a dating site? Dammit.

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    Replies
    1. It can be a dating site. Horny people on the internet can use any site as a dating site, if they try hard enough.

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