Those of a superstitious disposition can’t fail to have noticed that today is the devil’s day. It’s that fateful day of the calendar where Jason Voorhees crawls across your ceiling and makes you die within 7 days.
While I am a rational person who believes in science, facts, and life after love, I have experienced some inexplicable bad luck on Friday the 13th throughout the years. When I noticed this trend I began documenting any mysterious or downright unlucky happenings. To date I have a comprehensive back catalogue of everything bad that has ever happened me, which I call my Tome Of Misery. Others tend to call it Addman’s Diary, and every page seems to reach a new all-time low. However, I picked through it to provide you with a list of superstitious stuff that will boggle any rational mind. The following events you are about to read are disturbing, so reader discretion is advised.
Friday 13th 2002 – My GCSE exam results arrived today. Being the uncertified genius that I undoubtedly am, I was expecting all A grades, but alas, the terrible forces of Friday 13th have conspired to destroy me. Most of my grades have come back as unmarked. One of my teachers has included a note saying that I was disqualified from the exams for not writing my name on the papers. I didn’t think I needed to. The amazing answers I gave to the questions would surely speak for themselves. There’s only one person who could have aced a test so thoroughly; how could they not realise it was my paper? This is obviously not my fault. I blame the dark forces at work on this most dreadful day.
Friday 13th 2004 – The devil dances on my nipples once again! I went for a job interview which I was perfect for (professional shit stirrer down at the waste disposal yard). They said they couldn’t hire me because I didn’t have any qualifications! Damn and blast this hideous day!
|Don't fall asleep or Freddy will get you!|
Friday 13th 2005 – As I was stomping around my room while pretending to be a dinosaur, a leg on the coffee table came loose and fell on my foot. I spent the rest of the day in A&E waiting to get it x-rayed. The curse of Friday the 13th strikes again!
Friday 13th 2008 – After a few years off, this dreaded day has crept up on me once more. I have managed to lose my favourite mug! It was a large, soup-bowl sized mug that said “This mug is almost as big as my oversized genitalia”, which I enjoyed because it is true. I’ve looked everywhere and can’t find it. In other news, a cruise liner sank, killing 200 people.
Friday 13th 2010 – I’ve had two showers today and I just don’t smell right. There’s something funny going on here.
Friday 13 2012 – With the Mayan apocalypse looming, I was fully expecting some sort of doomsday scenario to arise today. I was proved right when the phone hacking investigation committee failed to impeach Piers Morgan. Now he is allowed to wander free, consuming souls until the end of days!
Coincidence? I think not! I’m sure that all this evidence is compelling enough for the scientific community to club together and ban Friday 13th. If they could also overturn my exam results, I would be very grateful. Regardless, if anyone wants me I'll be hiding in the oven for the rest of day, where nothing can hurt me. Good luck out there!