As a promiscuous man with an appetite for seduction, I find that there is a distinct lack of sexy recipes and cooking shows to satisfy my desires. Food is sexy. Not as sexy as sex, but it can be rather hot. Unless it’s served cold. The culinary world is so confusing.
What I do know is that food can get me into all sorts of terrible trouble. All it takes is a good ploughman’s lunch and I’m anybody’s. That’s why I decided to come up with some dishy new dishes to get your blood boiling:
12 chicken thighs
1 bunch of spring onions
1 sprig of ginger
3 garlic cloves
3 scotch bonnet chillies
2 tbsp of vegetable oil
3 tbsp of semen
Firstly, create your marinade by chopping everything above minus the chicken, then throwing it all in a pan and bringing it up to a simmer for 20 minutes. Continue to stir the marinade, remembering to vigorously masturbate into the sauce at regular intervals. Then, spread the marinade over your chicken thighs (and your own thighs), and rub any residual residue onto the chicken for extra flavour. Cook in the oven for 45 minutes until the chicken is nice and shiny. Serve on a bed of chickpeas.
Cock Au Vin
1 bottle good-quality red wine (preferably a lovely Merlot)
1 tbsp redcurrant jelly
1 small onion, chopped
2 sticks celery, chopped
1 carrot, chopped
4 garlic cloves, un-peeled, bruised
1 ribbed 12” strap on “Dominatator”
Fry your chopped veg for 10 minutes, add a quarter bottle of wine and simmer gently, stirring regularly with your plastic dildo. Add the chicken and finish off by adding the redcurrant jelly to the helmet. Don’t eat with a knife and fork, use the dildo as a utensil.
350g/12oz pork fillet
Freshly ground black pepper
2 tbsp sunflower oil
1 onion, finely sliced
225g/8oz button chestnut mushrooms, halved
5fl oz/140ml carton soured cream
1 tbsp chopped fresh parsley
Cook all that stuff above until it’s done. Once ready, smear this all over your greasy palms like a feral child who hasn’t been taught how to use utensils. When your hands are suitably smeared like a gloveless murderer, begin to touch your significant other in rude places.
(Note: This dish must only be prepared by men. If women would like to prepare a similar dish, see my companion recipe for Rub-atouille)
1 pot of Reggae-Reggae Sauce
1 willing participant
Simply smother a jar of Reggae-Reggae sauce over a naked partner and let the lovemaking commence. Serve on a bed of suitable springiness. Bonus points if you film it and send the footage to Levi Roots.
I think that with these recipes, we have established that music isn't the food of love. Food is actually the food of love. Bon appetit!