The Drawbacks Of Being A Brainiac

If there’s one thing that many of you will have learned from reading Muppets For Justice over the years, it’s that I am a veritable genius.  I can’t help it.  Having an oversized cranium is as big a burden as it is brilliant.  I’m starting to get neck cramps from having to support my gargantuan brain, which is why I have to wear this neck brace, and nothing to do with that time I tripped over in a rockery.

There are many serious ramifications (that means consequences) to being so smart.  Normal people may look at a simple object like a pencil and think of it as merely a writing implement.  When I see a pencil, all sorts of mind-bending possibilities emerge.  Most people wouldn’t think to pick their ears clean with it.  Very few people would try to taste the pencil.  It’s this kind of experimentation that separates me from the average layman.

Having a high IQ means that I can perform complex decisions at a blistering pace.  While I’ve never actually taken an IQ test, using my intellect I can estimate my IQ to be somewhere around 4000.  You can only work out your own IQ if you already have a high one.  Don’t try this at home folks!

The card my teachers gave me when I left school

Quite often I find that people cannot understand me when I talk.  Because my brain can process information so much faster than other people, I tend to communicate with them at a higher frequency then they are used to.  I also use huge, complicated words that most people don’t understand.  Because I am trying to relay so much information to you all at once, it may sound like I talking gibberish.  Some have described my speech as “Underdeveloped” or “Like listening to a howler monkey having sex with a tumble dryer”, but I would argue that my sentence structure is just too complex for your primitive brains to decipher.  If you were to record me speaking, slow it down, play with the reverb, reverse it, then get a voice actor in to record some dialogue over the top, I’m sure you would understand me perfectly.  You’d be pretty impressed at what I have to say.

Throughout my childhood I was persecuted for being so clever.  My teachers held me back several years because they couldn’t accept my radical theories regarding clothing.  Trousers are such an unnecessary distraction.  Those same teachers couldn’t accept that glue was vital brain food for my development.  However, keeping me back those years allowed my education to continue for far longer than any of my peers, which helped to keep my mind sharp and allowed me to absorb more information like a thirsty sponge.  By the time I left school I had a reading age far beyond the kids 4 years below me; the point at which I was initially held back.  Despite being a bright kid, I was constantly picked on and degraded by my contemporaries.  They called me names such as “milk chugger” because I used to drink my milk so fast that it came out of my nose.  I drank so fast because I wanted to get back to my studies quicker.  Why this is seen as a negative is completely beyond me.

Milk chuggers are ballers after all

Now in my adult years I am starting to find that the job market persecutes against clever people.  The clever jobs are never advertised in the local paper, so I never know when these jobs come up.  How am I supposed to apply for them if I don’t know where to look!?  They never advertise for nuclear physicists at the job centre.

I’m hoping that by typing this up, some of you smart people out there will contact me and let me know that I’m not the only one out there.  Then I will crush you all in an intellectual debate, because there can only be one person in the world as smart as me.  It’ll be like a cerebral version of Jet Li’s The One.  Like Kill Bill mixed with Mastermind.  Let battle commence.