1) YOLO – When medical science advances to a point where everyone
gets a free extra life through their healthcare plans, no one will understand
this archaic adage.
2) The thrill of conker season – When horse chestnuts are
declared extinct in the year 2033, our children will be deprived of the majesty
that only conkers can provide. Nothing
compares to the joy of threading a shoelace through a particularly hefty
conker, varnishing it for extra hardness, then twatting someone across the
knuckles with it.
3) Cat videos – When cats are finally linked with causing
autism in our children, and they are unilaterally wiped out, the next
generation will not be able to understand why we allowed evil felines to live
in our homes. They will be further
confused by our insistence on filming the little blighters and posting the
resulting clips on YouTube.
4) DVDs/Blu Ray – “So it’s like a small silver food tray that
you stick in your TV?” Can you remember the first time you saw a DVD? It was magical. High quality movies compressed down onto a shiny disc were so popular that people bought them in massive quantities and displayed them to others in order to show their taste in films. Streaming
services are killing off our insistence on purchasing piles of non-degradable
plastic and displaying them on bookshelves, which is a damn shame for everyone outside of Greenpeace.
 |
| A great use of the Earth's finite resources, I'm sure you'll agree |
5) The concept of family – When families are finally
outlawed in 2019 because of their inclination to screw up your development, our
children will know nothing of their biological parents, but will instead turn to the robot nannies that take care of
them. They will know nothing of their
mothers and fathers as they grow up in an orbital sky crèche with all of their
needs attended to.
6) Gangster rap – With the advent of Gunby music (where
musicians smack a hurdy gurdy with a live salmon), the world will collectively
forget about the hood. Snoop and Dre
will be revered in the same manner as Mozart and Verdi as examples of fine
culture, but kids will largely dislike their classical stylings.
7) Physical activity – Why walk anywhere when you have a
flying chair to take you where you need to go?
8) Porn bushes – I was at least 20 years old before I
realised that porn didn’t grow naturally on bushes. Aged 10, we used to go porn hunting in the
woods with a big butterfly net, trying to snag an interesting growler in the
undergrowth. We felt like intrepid 19th
century explorers attempting to catalogue new, exotic species. I learned a lot about the female form from
reader’s wives sections, which gave me a much more realistic picture of what to
expect. The children of the future will
be used to seeing airbrushed, hairless porn stars parading around on their
screens like Persian cats. It’s just not
the same!
9) Um Bongo – This delicious tropical drink is in danger
of going extinct, unless we act now! Please send your donations so that I buy
more Um Bongo and try to breed it under laboratory conditions.
10) List Articles – If we want to leave a lasting legacy
for future generations, we need to start producing more list articles. Our children may never get to read
Cracked.com, Buzzfeed, or Muppets For Justice, and that would be a damn shame.
This makes me excited for the future. No more "cutesy" cat videos, I don't have to talk to my family because I won't even understand that as a concept, and I don't have to worry about moving anymore. Take me to this paradise, you gorgeous Nostradamus!
ReplyDeleteBut what about the conkers and porn bushes!? Can we really sacrifice those things for sake of a glorious utopia?
DeleteIsn't there always some sort of 'black market' in any world? That's where the conkers and porn bushes shall be.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I like the idea of a second life via my health plan. If I'm stupid enough to do something dangerous enough to kill me, I'm not sure I deserve a second chance. lol
But what if a jealous ex lover murders you in a fit of blind rage? I live under constant threat of such an event. If I had an extra life I could let me guard down on occasion and actually relax. It's tough being such a lothario...
DeleteI absolutely refuse to put Muppets For Justice in the same league as Buzzfeed until you start releasing such brilliant clickbait lists as "27 Pictures of Cats Farting Into Their Own Faces That Will Melt Your Skull With Awesomeness" and "What This Man Did With The Folds Of His Scrotum Will Change The Way You Look At Everything."
ReplyDeleteYou've peaked my interest. Tell me more about this scrotum. What did he do with it? The world needs to know!
DeleteI am a little in shock as a owner of LPs and Video Cassettes spending my youth soaking conkers in vinegar while drinking a can of Iron Bru. And to make matters worse Yollo Williams the well known wildlife presenter lives just a few miles away. . . . .
ReplyDeleteWhat on earth is a List Article. . . . And how come the cat gets nine lives and we just get the two. . . . Where is my pointy stick I need technology I can rely on.
You're already outdated Rob, so you should be used to all of this by now. I can't fathom a world in which I am not a hip, trendy, young son-of-a-gun, and that is weird and scary to me.
DeleteConkers and porn bushes! The human race is bloody well doomed. You can't get a cheap thrill from the Littlewoods catalogue these days with some "good Samaritan" telling you to GET OFF THE BUS!!!!
ReplyDeleteIt's broken Britain/health and safety/ illegal immigrants/ UKIP gone mad I tell's ya.
Do Littlewoods still do a catalogue? If not, that's a sign of the degradation and erosion of British morals! String up all the bankers!
DeleteI remember back in the early eighties when my wife and I were house sitting for her rich boss. They had a machine that played movies, the first VCR I ever saw. We watched Star Wars and thought it was the most amazing thing to see something like that outside of a theater.
ReplyDeleteA VCR in the early eighties? They must have been fabulously rich. Were you actually house sitting or were you there to rob the place?
DeleteMuppets for Justice will stand the test of time. All you have to do is eventually become a big corporation, start lobbying, setup some subsidiaries, offer to do some TED Talks, and sell the company for billions of dollars down the road (provided that they keep the name). That's what all the successful media giants are doing.
ReplyDeleteAnd, I have no idea what conkers is; the future is nigh.