Thursday, 5 April 2012

E - Eyes

This is the first of two posts about things that creep me out on this A-Z challenge, although I’d class this one as more of a phobia. 

That’s right, I’m scared of eyes.  That doesn’t mean I can’t make eye contact with anyone, or force a pair of aviators onto the face of every person I meet, but I can’t stand the thought of things touching eyeballs.  I’ve looked this up, and apparently this is known as Ommatophobia.

I understand if you don’t want to be associated with a wussy, spaghetti-armed manchild like myself anymore.  It’s alright, I don’t want to be associated with myself either, and I am formally attempting a legal separation from my own eyes.  I understand that seeing will become something of a difficulty after this, so I’m going to have them replaced with webcams.  Perhaps I’ll have Kinects for eyes instead, so I can mimic someone’s dancing exactly and forge a successful street dancing career, jiggling around onstage like a trendy version of Johnny 5 behind Lady Gaga.

Daydreaming aside, I become physically repulsed by people who touch their eyeball with their finger.  My girlfriend enjoys winding me up in this manner, and she’s lucky that I don’t vomit all over her in disgust, thus exacerbating her emetophobia.  I also hate the thought of having eye drops in.  During one particularly pollen-filled summer, I decided to try some eye drops to alleviate the symptoms.  Let’s just say most of the fluid ended up streaming down my own face instead.

This came up when I typed in "finger touching eye"

 In the same way that many people are nervous of going to the dentist, I am much more nervous of going to the optician.  As I have a face which glasses wouldn’t suit (i.e. my face already looks like a smashed packet of Smash), contact lenses would be the best option when it comes to my appearance.  However, I would literally die, be reincarnated, then instantly die all over again if I tried to put in a contact lens. 

I’ve considered laser eye surgery, but then decided against it when I found out what it entails.  I used to believe that they just shine a beam of magic light in your eye and you suddenly have the ability to view the moon landing site in HD from the comfort of your own back yard.  Then I found out the sickening truth behind the procedure.  They take a scapel and detach the lens of your eye (whilst you are awake).  As your world goes dark, they blast that lens with death rays from a parallel dimension of damned souls, and pop it back on 30 seconds later as though it’s perfectly normal.  Afterwards, you will be able to see the acne scars on your co-worker’s chin from 5 feet away and compare it to the moon landing site.  I’m sorry, but that doesn’t seem like a fair pay off to me.  If I’m paying a few hundred pound to be tortured, I’d expect a knighthood at least for the ordeal.

Luckily for me, my eyesight is perfectly fine at the moment.  Nothing appears blurry to me, except for the quantum theory of black holes and its relationship with matter consumption in spacetime, but I don’t think corrective lenses will clear that up.  Anyway, I’ll keeping my fingers crossed that my eye sight doesn’t deteriorate further.  In fact, I’ll be keeping my eyes crossed too.


  1. What about just rubbing the eyes? Or wiping a tear away? Or that lady who can shoot milk out of her eyes (go to YouTube if you dare). Are your favorite people those with a glass eye or better, an eye patch? Or is that even worse because you picture how they lost that eye?

  2. I love your people! It's so much fun to stick my finger in my eye in front of your people. At some point, I am sure they're going to form an army and kick my bum for torturing them.

  3. I'll cross my eyes along with you. Hahahaha!!!


  4. Well, I guess you can never be a super hero now. You can't just tell people what your kryptonite is. Jeez.

  5. Eye'd get yourself seen to.

    That's right, I can't do comedy as well as you. Hilarious as always :)

    Empire 500 5-star

  6. LOL - An eye fear. That's okay. =D

  7. I wear contacts; so I got used to touching my eye. But, I was all for lazer surgery as well until one of my teachers back in college said her relative died during the procedures because the lazer bounced off something and zapped her brain or something.

  8. Okay...with a blog name like yours, I HAD to check it out. I have a thing about eyes, too...probably not to your extent, though, but in certain situations. I hate it (and can't watch) when things are done with eyes in movies, like needles getting near them, etc. I also don't like watching other people touch their eyes. However, I wore contacts for years without any problem, even though it took me forever to learn to put them in, and even had LASIK. The dose of Valium they give you really helps. Really, really helps. Trust me. You have an awesome blog and a new follower!

  9. I can't stand looking at someone when they have a sore on an eye. Eye drops... Heck no. I'm not squeamish about a lot of things, but eyes bug the Bee Gees out of me.

  10. Very interesting...I don't like others touching my eyes but I love to look deep into someone's and try to figure out what they are that phrase, the eyes are the window to the soul!
    Great E word and nice to meet you!

  11. Damn and I thought that I was the only one.
    One of my ex work colleague almost made me gag when she told me that whenever she gets something in her eye, her boyfriend LICKS her eyeball!!

    You couldn't make this crap up!

  12. Bahahahahahahahaha! Seriously LOL'd through much of your post! Love the "beam of magic light". Very much looking forward to more of your A to Z posts. :)

  13. This post really made me chuckle. I can't sympathise too much as I am a contact lens wearer, by my boyfriend hates it. I only take my 'eyes' out in front of him if he's being particularly annoying!

    Great blog!

  14. Wait till you have seen one rolling across a table. That's a sight for sore eyes ........ HAH AHh ah hah hah ahh hah hah hahahh haha hah hah hah hahah

    Sorry I'm Mad

  15. Haha great post, really made me laugh. I haven't got a phobia but I don't like the idea of eye drops so I hope I never need them! But I can touch my eyeball easily if I need too!

  16. I have an eyeball thing too. I blame my mom, who liked to retell a story from her mom's childhood: about a local boy whose eyeball popped out and had to be pushed back in every time he sneezed ... . . . ... .... (there just aren't enough periods for that sentence ending)

  17. I hate going to the optician, too. I'm able to wear contacts but there are few things I dislike more than other people fiddling around my eyes.

    The Golden Eagle
    The Eagle's Aerial Perspective

  18. So...what happens when you get an eyelash stuck in your eye? Does it just stay in there?

    If that is the case, your eyelids must have harvested a whole forest of eyelashes in there by now. o_O

    -Barb the French Bean

  19. My son has this phobia. If the eye doctor tries to put drops in his eyes he fights like armored troupes are trying to take his homeland and he is the only defense. I have seen his 7 year old self single handedly wrestle two opticians off and cry like a de-candied baby in the exam chair, thereby nullifying the exam. It takes all of my mothering skills, bribes and lullabies to get one drop in each eye. Tell me, what is the fear of needles called?

  20. When I saw your name in the blog list, I just had to check it out. Muppets!

    I don't want to give you nightmares or anything, but you know how some people turn their eyelids inside out and it's all shiny, pink, and veiny? That always grossed me out.

  21. Oh, and I'm curious to see the smashed packet of smash face you claim to have. That sounds pretty exciting.

  22. I have the exact same phobia, and I am also glad that so far my eyesight is great.

    BTW, I love your blog. It just made me laugh out loud, repeatedly. Definitely following.


  23. Glad to see I'm not the only one. Some of your eye stories are making me feel a little bit ill though.

    For the record, I don't mind eyes when they are being left alone. It's people who touch them and interfere/molest them that creep me out. Eyeball abusers should be given the chair.

  24. When I was a kid, students used to do that little weird eyelid thing that Lisa Campbell described in her comment above, and I's one of the most gross things ever!

    I don't mind eyes so much, I mean...we all need them, so we should appreciate them. I do, however, have a strong dislike for contact lens' although the colorful or tinted ones look good on some people.

    Blog: The Madlab Post
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