E - Eyes

This is the first of two posts about things that creep me out on this A-Z challenge, although I’d class this one as more of a phobia. 

That’s right, I’m scared of eyes.  That doesn’t mean I can’t make eye contact with anyone, or force a pair of aviators onto the face of every person I meet, but I can’t stand the thought of things touching eyeballs.  I’ve looked this up, and apparently this is known as Ommatophobia.

I understand if you don’t want to be associated with a wussy, spaghetti-armed manchild like myself anymore.  It’s alright, I don’t want to be associated with myself either, and I am formally attempting a legal separation from my own eyes.  I understand that seeing will become something of a difficulty after this, so I’m going to have them replaced with webcams.  Perhaps I’ll have Kinects for eyes instead, so I can mimic someone’s dancing exactly and forge a successful street dancing career, jiggling around onstage like a trendy version of Johnny 5 behind Lady Gaga.

Daydreaming aside, I become physically repulsed by people who touch their eyeball with their finger.  My girlfriend enjoys winding me up in this manner, and she’s lucky that I don’t vomit all over her in disgust, thus exacerbating her emetophobia.  I also hate the thought of having eye drops in.  During one particularly pollen-filled summer, I decided to try some eye drops to alleviate the symptoms.  Let’s just say most of the fluid ended up streaming down my own face instead.

This came up when I typed in "finger touching eye"

 In the same way that many people are nervous of going to the dentist, I am much more nervous of going to the optician.  As I have a face which glasses wouldn’t suit (i.e. my face already looks like a smashed packet of Smash), contact lenses would be the best option when it comes to my appearance.  However, I would literally die, be reincarnated, then instantly die all over again if I tried to put in a contact lens. 

I’ve considered laser eye surgery, but then decided against it when I found out what it entails.  I used to believe that they just shine a beam of magic light in your eye and you suddenly have the ability to view the moon landing site in HD from the comfort of your own back yard.  Then I found out the sickening truth behind the procedure.  They take a scapel and detach the lens of your eye (whilst you are awake).  As your world goes dark, they blast that lens with death rays from a parallel dimension of damned souls, and pop it back on 30 seconds later as though it’s perfectly normal.  Afterwards, you will be able to see the acne scars on your co-worker’s chin from 5 feet away and compare it to the moon landing site.  I’m sorry, but that doesn’t seem like a fair pay off to me.  If I’m paying a few hundred pound to be tortured, I’d expect a knighthood at least for the ordeal.

Luckily for me, my eyesight is perfectly fine at the moment.  Nothing appears blurry to me, except for the quantum theory of black holes and its relationship with matter consumption in spacetime, but I don’t think corrective lenses will clear that up.  Anyway, I’ll keeping my fingers crossed that my eye sight doesn’t deteriorate further.  In fact, I’ll be keeping my eyes crossed too.