N – Norse Gods

So, which is your favourite set of Gods?  Do you prefer your Roman Gods of pizza and poor foundations?  Or maybe you prefer the Greeks idea of Gods for loincloths and the sea?  Perhaps you prefer the animal-headed insanity of the Egyptian Gods?  Well, I’m here to argue in favour of the Norse.

Norse paganism is stocked to the gills with Gods and Godesses, many of whom had sex with each other and were capable of despicable acts of cruelty.  Allow me to present my favourites, in the form of a top five list.

5)  Frigg

Frigg makes the list mainly due to her name.  Despite being a slang term for female masturbation, Frigg is pretty cool.  Fridays are named after her, which as we know, is the best day of the week. 

Frigg is the wife of Odin and the mother of Baldr.  Being the badass mother that she is, she instilled Baldr with the gift of invulnerability, which he promptly abused by inviting people to try and kill him.  Annoyed that her son was taking this for granted, she told Loki of his one weakness, allowing him to kill Baldr.  Friggin’ hell!

4)  Thor

We’re all aware of Thor, the hammer-wielding maniac of Asgard.  Often seen laying the smackdown on people with lightning bolts, Thor has been popular since the Roman era, but the endearing hammer symbol has endured through the ages.  He’s even had his own starring role in a blockbuster movie, the first appearance of a God on the silver screen since Bruce Almighty.

Unfortunately, after some rudimentary research, it turns out that Thor is a massive racist.  The swastika symbol is often attributed to Thor’s strength, and has been seen since the 9^th century.  Not cool Thor, not cool.

3)  Baldr

Baldr was Odin’s son, who is primarily known for his death.  Pretty rock and roll or what?  Baldr used to dream of his own death (probably because he was off his tits on some recreational drugs), so his mum made him immortal to try and stop his dreams from becoming a reality.  So, with Baldr’s newfound immortality, what did he do with this wonderful gift?  He became a professional stunt man for the Gods, inviting people to sling stones and spears at him all day long.  That’s pretty awesome, but the fact that he went running to mummy over a bad dream in the first place is pretty wet, and why I can’t place Baldr any higher on the list.  Plus, he has a weakness to mistletoe, meaning he probably won’t be up for any festive snuggles.

Odin!  Yay!

2)  Odin

Odin is basically the God of all Gods, the ruler of Asgard.  He fathered many little Gods (including Baldr and Thor), and is generally considered to be main inspiration behind Father Christmas.  He’s basically the world’s best father!  Also, he has a beard that could make men cream themselves with envy, winning Movember every year since it began.  Tolkien based Gandalf on Odin, so that’s enough reason to include him on the list, but there is one other who can beat Odin to the top spot...

1) Loki

The God of mischief and mayhem, Loki is the original badass.  His DNA is so awesome that he fathered a wolf and a snake, then, not content with all that, he turned himself into a mare and gave birth to an eight-legged horse!  That’s right ladies, this man knows the pain of child birth!  In fact, it’s not even child birth; it’s horse birth!

Loki is a shapeshifter with a penchant for being deliciously evil.  Turning himself into an old lady, he tricks Frigg into revealing the weakness of Baldr’s invincibility (that’s mistletoe, in case you weren’t paying attention), then constructs a spear made entirely from mistletoe, and tricks someone else into throwing it Baldr.  Now that’s a plan even Skeletor would be jealous of!

And there you have it, more than enough reasons for you to enjoy Norse mythology.  If you’re feeling pumped by all this Norsey goodness, I suggest that you use your Internet to do some further reading into the subject.  Preferably whilst playing Led Zeppelin’s Immigrant Song.

EDIT:  It has also come to my attention that some people's comments have not been appearing on here.  I can only apologise and blame Blogger for flagging them as Spam.  I'll try and keep better tabs on this in future.