Tuesday 10 April 2012

I – Indigo Children


Have you ever wondered why there are so many socially maladjusted children in this day and age?  As the months tick by and the Information Age gathers steam, we seem to be breeding more and more introverted, behaviourally challenged children who lack the social skills deemed necessary to survive in the modern world.  Some say our sedentary society of distracting screens is destroying the attention spans of our younger generations, but some parents know the truth.

Psychologists, psychiatrists, and psychopaths have managed to diagnose a number of fairly new conditions which have only become prevalent in recent decades.  These include dyslexia, autism, ADHD, aspergers, and dyspraxia.  But what if scientists are wrong?  What if these children are instead gifted, rather than being saddled with disorders?  Enter the Indigo philosophy, an idea which explains how these children are guaranteed to lead us to the promised land, or somewhere equally fertile, like Greggs.

There are many websites on Indigo Children.  Most of them include tie dye backgrounds and exude a faint smell of hemp, but all of them contain lunatics who cannot fathom that their children might have difficulties in institutionalised learning.  Instead, they desperately want their child to be special and unique in some way, so they’ve managed to invent a theory that their kids will deliver us from evil and start a new world order of peace and unity.

Such a special little guy.

 Despite being run by new age mums who struggle to cope with their behaviourally challenged sprogs, these websites are surprisingly detailed when it comes to Indigo Children.  Here are some sure fire symptoms of Indigocity (which I reckon should be word):

·         They exude a blueish aura – Hence the name Indigo children.  If you are unsure what colour your child’s aura is, view them through ultra violet goggles.
·         They struggle to concentrate for more than two seconds – This is because their minds are on higher things, such as plotting a course to the Promised Land with enough rest stops to ensure that no one on the freedom bus wets themselves.
·         They tend to get bullied by other kids – Other children will be extremely jealous at not being the chosen one and will try and hold your child back from greatness by pummelling them repeatedly.
·         They don’t do very well in school – Rather than get their child diagnosed by one of those lying doctors so that they can get the classroom help they need, parents of Indigo Children know that there’s nothing school can teach them that will be worthwhile when we ascend to a higher plane of existence.
·         They are extremely sensitive emotionally – Indigos are so in tune with people’s feelings, they can sense someone in mild discomfort from 500 miles away.  Try to avoid being upset or eating spicy food around Indigo kiddies.

I’m sure that by using this not-at-all vague set of guidelines, you’ve already established whether your child is an Indigo or not.  But how do you encourage an Indigo wombshit?  There are several things you can do to make sure that your kid ascends to greatness.  These involve regular cuddles, no behaviour management, never punishing your child, and pulling them out of mainstream education and homeschooling them if needs be.  That’s right, even if your own knowledge of the world would make currently undiscovered molluscs at the bottom of the sea seem highly intelligent in comparison, you’d be better off teaching your Indigo kids yourself.  Provided you can get enough time off from your World of Warcraft guild, that is.

As an aside, if your child has any other aura other than Indigo, you might as well smother them and start again with a new child.  No one wants a child with a grey aura now, do they?

You may be asking yourself why I've chosen to write about this subject for the A-Z challenge.  I've been asking myself the same question.  I guess I just enjoy delusional people and their crackpot theories.

31 comments:

  1. And just when I thought all manner of bullshit had been exhausted, someone comes along and exposes me to a new, specially crafted crystallized diamond of bullshit so pure all believers can wear bullshit rings to signify their unending allegiance to complete bullshit.
    "Uh, sure, my child has an indigo aura," turns to child, "you disappoint me you violet hued bastard child!" Smothering commences.
    You have made my morning. I learned something new and it is glorious.

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    1. Exactly. Rather than getting these children the help they'll need, these parents will treat them like princes instead, moddycoddling them until they have no social or life skills to function in the real world.

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  2. AHA! It's not Autism. My children are all spectacularly Indigo! They mainly show this by watching untold hours of TV and eating sugared cereal. I knew those little bastards were special.

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    1. If you have Indigo Children, can I book two tickets on the Salvation Train? One for me, and one for my pet newt, Alfredo.

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  3. brilliant, simply brilliant. :)

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  4. This is almost as fascinating as it is ridiculous.

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    1. Agreed. When I first heard about this, I spent ages looking through Indigo Child websites out of morbid curiosity.

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  5. I have many indigo children. They all float around me flapping their rainbow coloured wings, tinging their triangles in my ear and sprinkling powdered crystals on my hair. Wee Fuckers!

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    1. By the sounds of it, I think you live in a Pagan commune.

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  6. Or they're just evil...just saying...

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    1. Lily, don't try and link Lil Man to the Indigo Children. You don't get any special child benefits for doing so.

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  7. I'm going to force my child to play at least 20 hours of video games a day. With such activities, I may be able to alter the color of any grey auras, or maybe I'm just be delusional.

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    1. Now I like video games as much as the next person, but 20 hours worth a day actually makes me feel ill just thinking about it.

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  8. I've read some stories of "Indigo Children" last year because it astounded me and I've never heard of the term before. Some stories are just plain weird but the others are really phenomenal.

    Imagine having a politician as an "Indigo", would that be for bad or for worse?

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    1. Considering they were probably raised like a kings in a protective bubble, I imagine an Indigo kid would probably fit in with politicians nicely.

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  9. Those Kids sound COOL to me YYYyyyaaaaaaaaaahhhh

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    1. You're not an Indigo are you? Come here, let me check your aura!

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  10. Indigo children? What a bunch of bull. I have visited those websites, and it's all so ridiculous. Based on what I read, my nieces could have been classified as indigo children. Under my care, I took that right out of them. My friend claims to have one of those children, and she has her kid praying to the moon, and destroying her home.

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    1. Agreed. It's all about as vague as reading your horoscope through glasses that weren't prescribed for you. Technically, any negative attributes your child has could indicate that they are Indigo.

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  11. I honestly have to wonder how these groups even manage to come to fruition. Oy, vey.

    -Barb the French Bean

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    1. Desperate people call for desperate measures, I guess.

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  12. TFF! I hope you know what this stands for.

    Shelly

    http://secondhandshoesnovel.blogspot.com/

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    1. Actually, I don't know. Would someone enlighten me?

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  13. I have a hard time reading cause I see words as colours and shapes, which is a "disability" but it helps me with thinking deep thoughts and being creative. So it is actually an ability.

    Also that picture is awesomely funny!!

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    1. Well it's awesome that you're using it to your advantage. I think more people should follow your example.

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  14. I have an ongoing argument with the wife about all the modern disorders children seem to get diagnosed with...and the parents who seem to go to all kind of lengths to find out why Jr is different...
    It's called genetics...we're all different some good some bad...nerds, geeks, jocks...in any large population half of people will be below average.

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    1. I agree with you to a large extent. I reckon that these "disorders" have probably been with us since the dawn of time. I suppose that modern living may accentuate these traits, and with the ever growing population you're always going to find more and more examples and people being diagnosed.

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  15. I've got a blue aura. You don't need ultra violet goggles to be able to tell. Does that make me an Indigo child, Mr Crackpot Scientists?

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  16. Jeez. You know... Ugh, yeah, you know. I'll leave it at that.

    =]V[=
    The Brew Newb

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  17. I just love this. Something I must do research on. I stopped my back reference when Google led me to Indigo Girls. Just sayin'.

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