Monday, 23 April 2012

T – Tofu


What is Tofu?  Yes, yes, I know it’s a meat substitute that’s suitable for vegetarians, but what actually is it?  What is it made of?  Where did it come from?

Tofu is like the dark matter of foodstuff; the Higgs Boson of gastronomy.  We believe it exists and we’re starting to be able to measure it under laboratory conditions, but it’s difficult to describe to someone.  How do you define it?  It’s an unquantifiable chunk of...thing.

As you can tell, there are many questions in my mind regarding tofu.  Is it carbon or silicon based?  Is it grown or created?  Is it healthy or chock full of additives?

I’m sure I could easily find all these answers and more by simply looking at the Wikipedia article for tofu, but that would shatter the mystery for me.  I’m a simple guy with simple pleasures, such as imagining the magical properties of a food which is probably a lot less magical in reality.  I know it’s probably created by adding a load of artificial flavourings into a stock cube of maize extract or something, but I prefer the illusion that it’s a type of natural resource that has to be mined from the Earth’s core in deepest, darkest Borneo.  Perhaps they are created from the yolk of alien eggs that were laid on this planet millennia ago.  That’s much more interesting.

WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU!?!

 Let’s face it, someone needs to liven up tofu.  It’s blander than a BBC4 documentary on sandpaper.  Quorn is just as bad.  Unidentifiable lumps of non-meat that don’t really taste of anything are hardly going to set the world on fire (unless you leave the oven on).  I think I’m the man to liven it up a bit.

Taking a leaf out of PETA’s book (they recently claimed that veganism can improve your sexual prowess), I’m going to start a marketing campaign which tells people that tofu can give them superhuman powers.  Quorn sausages are scientifically guaranteed to give you laser eyes.  A meat-free life will essentially elevate you to the status of a God.

However, that bacon sandwich does look tempting...

20 comments:

  1. I've only eaten tofu a couple of times in my life. Just the rubbery texture alone makes me want to expel it from my system. That certainly has never happened me to eating a Cuban, pork-based medianoche sandwich. :P

    -Barb the French Bean

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    1. I've had that feeling when eating raw chicken. I haven't got time to wait for it to cook, dammit!

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  2. An interesting fact about tofu is that if you add a bit of herbs and spices, it still tastes like garbage.

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    1. Yes, but seasoned garbage is like fancy food if you're a homeless person. It's all relative.

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  3. As a meatatarian, I can't stand tofu. Also, I love how vegetarians don't eat meat but try to eat something that looks and tastes as close to meat as possible. You do realize that instead of eating a jiggly flap of 'burger' made out of tofu, corn, and some kind of tree moss that you can eat an actual hamburger instead, right?

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    1. I guess vegetarians are in denial. Bring on the steak!

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  4. This post is hilarious! I'll confess to eating tofu and liking it in some stuff...I go through vegetarian spurts and honestly just love to try different stuff. Definitely joining your blog!

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    1. That's cool. I must admit, when Quorn is on offer I'll sometimes buy some mince if it's cheaper than actual meat mince. If you have it in a chilli you can disguise the bland taste and make something halfway edible.

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  5. Bacon sandwiches are the krytonite of all vegetarians :) The quorn is ok if you are making spag bol and I had the great pleasure of tasting tofu at the weekend! It was in a chinese soup and it was erm..tasteless, yeah tasteless just about sums it up.

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    1. Here's a handy tip; don't fry quorn in a pan unless you are prepared to use a lot of cooking oil. It simply absorbs the oil in the pan, which probably makes it just as unhealthy as eating bacon rind.

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  6. Tofu is certainly an unknown. I cooked some once, poked it with a fork, and threw it in the bin.

    Stopping by from A-Z.
    http://www.furwillfly.blogspot.com

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    1. Did it squeal when you poked it?

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  7. I just ate some tofu today, and it was yummy. I do like to idea of it giving me superpowers :) I think that would be an interesting marketing campaign.

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    1. You'd have to put a disclaimer at the end declaring the whole advert to be an utter fabrication though.

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  8. People eat Tofu? I thought it was modeling clay. Really crappy modeling clay.

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    1. I can just imagine someone sat at a potter's wheel trying to model a lump of tofu into a nice ming vase.

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  9. Quorn chicken nuggets are the best. I can't eat them anymore because I am allergic to gluten, but they were my favorite. While I eat tofu, it's actually terrible for you unless it's fermented.

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    1. So in other words, the Tofu has to have gone mouldy before it is edible? Does that mean that it's a type of cheese?

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  10. what is this??? 1954 in Ohio??? really?

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    1. Yes, I'm using hyperbole for comic effect. I know more about tofu than I'm letting on. You caught me.

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