Wednesday 25 April 2012

V – Video Games

Here we are at V, the inevitable topic of discussion.  Long time readers may recall my unwillingness to discuss video games on here, for fear of turning this into yet another games blog.  And yet, in an A-Z of things that interest me, there isn't a more fitting topic for this particular letter (and don’t any of you dare suggest that I should have written about Vaginas.  I know how your minds work).

Rather than list my favourite games in order (1 would be Silent Hill 2, if you’re interested), I turned to the Internet for inspiration, motivation, and salvation.  I came across the rather amusing Video Game Name Generator [http://www.generatorland.com/glgenerator.aspx?id=132&rlx=y] which dishes out randomised game names.  I’ve listed some of the more chucklesome ones, along with an imagined description that I’ve made up.  Please enjoy:

Jacked-Up Pudding Fighter

Takes place in a school cafeteria.  You choose a generic school kid to play as (geeky kid, goth, bully, sports kid etc.) and your aim is to start a food fight, and come out with the least stainage on your clothes.  If your stain level reaches 100%, your character will pass out in fear of what his/her parents will say.  Being the last one standing nets you maximum points.  Multiplayer only.

Jesus Designer

Similar to Mario Paint, but with heavy religious overtones.  You can make lovely crucifix prints, draw a beautiful landscape of burning sinners, and compose 8-bit church hymns about praise.  The highlight is the 3D fully customisable virtual Jesus, which you can dress up and modernise with low slacks and bling.  After you’ve dressed him, you can plop him into a virtual shopping centre and watch him interact with people, all while Depeche Mode’s Personal Jesus plays in the background.

Grueling Mortician Rising

A guy who works in a mortuary falls and hits his head, killing himself in the process.  That is, until a nefarious necromancer raises him from the grave to reap souls for his collection.  The game involves you harvesting bodies and hauling them back to the mortuary for collection.  You have to avoid detection; otherwise the police will arrive and discover your heinous deeds.

Worms Incursion

In an unusual move for Team17, they’ve swapped their cuddly, cutesy earthworms for the bottom-dwelling parasite kind.  In this game, you have to lead a legion of worms into a human sphincter and keep them there, negotiating an obstacle course of barrelling excrement, and probing dildos.  The game is over after a certain time when your worms become too fat to feed anymore and just sort of, drop out.

That’s enough fun for me, now I’d like to invite you to have a go.  Generate some video games and post them in the comments.

22 comments:

  1. I want Jesus Designer. Worms Incursion too, but you'll have to put a "don't eat prior" warning on that one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Not suitable for children eating their dinner"

      Delete
  2. Katie Couric's Erotic Phonics

    Adult illiteracy makes Katie sad. In this game, the former Today show host teaches men to read through super-cheerful reciting, spelling, and demonstrating of various naughty things of questionable educational value. Not suitable for children. Or anyone easily disturbed by this mental image . . .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know Katie Couric, but I do approve of a game which encourages learning through erotica. I'm just waiting for Katy Perry Teaches Typing.

      Delete
  3. Toast Attack

    You play as a piece of toast, and you attack.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There should be a sequel with a man just flipping out and attacking his toaster because he can't get his waffles brown enough. Perhaps after destroying the toaster, it turns into a GTA sim where your character takes to the streets and start annihilating innocent civilians whilst screaming about his unsatisfactory bread products.

      Delete
    2. the Maillard Reaction is serious business! no one should take cooking lightly. It can be like "Hitman" but "The Toast Master", instead.

      Delete
  4. I would so love Jacked-Up Pudding Fighter! Okay, it's your idea...can you design it now please? LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wish I could, but I've got a restraining order saying that I'm not allowed to make games any more. I haven't been able to make them since I unleashed "Cat Sick Simulator" on an unsuspecting public.

      Delete
  5. Jesus Designer sounds great! You should market it and make the game!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It'll be out in time for the lucrative Easter holidays.

      Delete
  6. The Grueling Mortician Rising sounds a bit similar to Altered Beast. But just a tad similar.

    -Barb the French Bean

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I used to love Altered Beast, especially that guy with the speech impediment:

      "Rwise frwom your grwave!"

      Delete
  7. I am all about the pudding fight. The grueling Mortician sounds pretty bad ass too. I think I'll pass on the anal worms.

    (Everyone told me to write about vaginas too. Bunch of perverts I tell ya!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. By "pass on the anal worms" do you mean that you're going to spread them? Because that's just not cricket. :p

      Delete
  8. I so hope someone makes Jesus Designer

    ReplyDelete
  9. Escape From Kreativ: Slavic Edition

    jajajajajajajaja

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't picture what such a game would be like.

      Delete
  10. Eternal Frog Battles III!?!
    My brain just exploded.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If the battle is eternal, why does it need two more sequels?

      Delete
  11. I like "Ball of Yarn" you get a ball of yarn and then you roll it around. And it's not a video game. And it's terribly boring. And I suck.

    ReplyDelete

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