Coming up with a suitable topic for G was probably the hardest letter so far in this challenge. I was all set to write a 1000 word essay on the joys of gravy, but then I realised that I know very little about gravy other than it tastes nice. I don’t know how to make gravy, and I barely understand the mechanics behind instant gravy. In the end, I figured I’d write about something that I know something about and settled upon my homeland, Great Britain.
Only, I don’t know much about Great Britain either. I know that Britain is made up of three countries (England, Scotland and Wales), has a population of around 60 million, includes the capital cities of London, Cardiff and Edinburgh, and is named because it is the greater piece of land in the United Kingdom in terms of landmass. Other than that, it is complete mystery to me. On one hand we’re a nation of overly polite queue mongers who wear bowler hats to keep our jam sandwiches in. On the other, we’re a nation of racist, thuggish football hooligans who’d rather glass you than pass you in the street.
So what is Britain? For those outside of these green lands, here’s a small list of useful information which might help you define bloody Britain:
· The first person to live in Britain was a chap called Dave, who moved into a council estate in Huddersfield that didn’t even have a downstairs toilet. His surname has been lost to the annals of time.
· Bruce Forsyth was the first man to immigrate to Britain. After being born to a family of dingoes in Australia, he swam the whole distance from Sydney to Dover at the age of 3, stopping only to nip into a Brewer’s Fayre and have a go on the outdoor play area.
· The most prolific disease in Britain is known as “Scouse Pox”, which affects 816,216 people in the North West of England. This disease makes the victim speak in an unintelligible drawl, and triggers a cranial response which gives them the uncontrollable urge to steal.
· The only indigenous animal to Britain is the common garden snail. Before colonists bought crows with them, or started exporting them to the French, snails covered 90% of the available surface of Britain. So much so that going hiking used to be referred to as “Crunching”.
· Roses are red and violets are blue, except in rural England where roses are tartan, and violets are rampaging sex pests.
· Alex James, a British scientist, has invented a dairy-based cloaking device which, when applied to objects, makes them appear distorted. He’s named his device Blur Cheese.
· The most popular hobby in Britain is Complaining, just beating Masturbation to the top spot.
· British cuisine is gaining popularity around the world after visionary food guru, Heston Blumenthal, created talking ingredients, giving people advice and cooking tips during preparation.
· The River Thames is named after John Thames, who was recently crowned Britain’s Smelliest Tramp.
· The leader of Britain is known as the Prime Minister. His skeleton is known as Prime Rib, and his buttocks as Prime Rump Steaks.
There you have it, the world’s most comprehensive list of British facts. There is absolutely nothing else to be known about Britain. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a fraud and a charlatan.