X - Xenophilia

No doubt you’re already aware of xenophobia, the fear of foreigners.  It’s something that right-wing government parties are routinely accused of, mainly because they don’t like foreigners very much.  You’ve probably, at some point in your life, come across a person or two who could easily be described as xenophobic.  Maybe they declared hatred of a minority because they “take all our jobs and women” (as opposed to looking at themselves and realising that they are lazy and shit at sex).

During my more immature days (I now only show my bum at classy events, rather than at random as I did in my youth), I used to try and counter this with a wave of xenophilia; an overwhelming passion for foreigners.

I once signed up to a message board named “Fly The Flag”.  The main goal of this jingoistic forum was to campaign to the government for the right to put up St George’s flags all over their homes, cars, dogs and children.  They believed it was illegal to display a St George cross due to political correctness, as it might offend immigrants.  While I’d like to point out that putting up English flags in every window of your home and having them tattooed on your boorish, hairy arms is utterly tasteless (as tasteless as inviting Abu Hamza to a finger buffet), it is not illegal.

The moron's calling card

So I did what any left-leaning rapscallion would do, I trolled the fucking British bulldogs out of them.  I hope you’ll forgive me for my sins, as I said, I was young and bored.  I created an account and operated under the guise that I’d misunderstood the intentions of the board.  I acted as though I’d joined a group of people with a fetish for foreigners.

My first thread was subtly titled “Come One, Come All, Glorious Immigrants”.  A lot of the forum’s denizens simply thought I was being ironic and responded with comments like “yer come on paki basterds. Its not like wer full”.  A few people then sent me private messages asking if I was serious.  Obviously, my intentions had been expressed in the fullest, so I opted to create a more controversial thread.

My next form of attack was a thread called “Beyonce Is British”, in which I claimed that the bootilicious singer had an English heritage that stretched back to the Celts.  I received many outraged comments, many from a chap called Shonfield who called me many racist names, including “sand-n***** sympathiser”, which was a bit difficult to get my head around.  It was at this point that I dropped the bombshell that foreign women were generally more attractive than English women. 

This claim spawned hundreds of replies, each one more illegible than the last.  I wish I had saved some of the correspondence, but then again, reading that discussion might make you lose all hope for humanity.  Many people speculated on my ethnicity (I’m white and British by the way), claimed I loved the Euro (I don’t have a problem with a single currency), and that I was looking for handouts (I’ve never claimed a benefit in my life.  I wouldn’t even know how).

FILTHY FORRIN COIN!

 I did, however, save one message sent to me by the aforementioned Shonfield.  I’ll leave you with his staggering stupidity, but before I go, I just want to say that I am in no way proud of what I did, and trolling is generally a bad idea.

“do you seriously think the beyonce is celtic? she has blond hair for starters. she woud have red hair. shes also black and lives in usa.  i don’t know who your trying to kid mate but i reckon you should fuck off before you get into proper trouble. a lot of blokes on here have beat the shit out of nerds like you for less.  don’t think you can hide in the basement from the big bad men.  then they can explain to your mum why your unpatriotic and she will kick the shit out of you too. i bet you love immigrants so much because you were raped by one.”