Z - Zoology

In my idle time at work, when I'm not taking calls or escorting people from a towering inferno as the building’s fire marshal, I sometimes imagine what my ideal job would be like (sometimes whilst I should be doing these things too).

There are many jobs that I think I would be perfect for.  For example, I believe I could make a successful career for myself in the field of bed-testing.  Considering the ease of which I can remain prone on a mattress, I don’t think there’s a person in the universe more suited to this particular vocation, and I would happily fight anyone who says otherwise.  After I’ve finished my nap, of course.

Another job I think I’d be great at is zoology.  I mean, zoologists get to watch animals being awesome in enclosures all day, then get to write about it.  I reckon I’ve seen enough nature documentaries to overcome the required biological knowledge for the job.  I know that animals are chock full of meat, and they need to eat and poo at least once a month.  That is entry level zoology right there.

Is there anything better than being a zoologist?  Actually, yes there is.  There’s a job out there that combines the amazing aspects of zoology with a touch of imagination and creativeness.  That job is cryptozoology

These footprints were probably made by some sort of snake

Cryptozoology is a fancy word to describe someone who likes imaginary animals.  These are the type of people who get to go on a 6 month expenses paid camping holiday to try and catch a sight of Bigfoot.  If you’re even luckier, you might be sent to discover some sort of shape shifting reptile that some country bumpkin thought he saw after an evening of moonshine and unprotected sex with his sister.  The Judgement Lizard is known only to appear in rural areas, peering through people’s windows when acts of incest are about to occur, and generally doing a great service to the community.  It is my intention to prove that the Judgement Lizard exists; I saw him shortly before I lost my virginity.

One aspect of cryptozoology does puzzle me, though.  Where does the money come from?  Are they university funded, or are they self employed?  As I’ve never seen a job opening for a cryptozoologist in the job section of my local paper, I’ve come to the conclusion that they are privately funded, or that so many people want this amazing job, that new positions don’t crop up very often.

I imagine that being a cryptozoologist is rather easy.  You could spend weeks dicking around in the forest, then come back and say you saw some suspicious tracks, or heard a mating call in the distance that you’ve not heard before.  While you have nothing concrete, you are convinced that there’s something in those woods, and you’ll need to come back and investigate again with more supplies, more beer, and more prostitutes in tow.

So, if I ever get fired for daydreaming about imaginary animals at work, at least I have a backup vocation.  What awesome jobs would you folks like to move into?