Thursday, 19 April 2012

Q – Quakers

I must admit, I was in a quagmire when it came to quantity and quality whilst quantifying Q words.  I quickly quarrelled with a quartet of options and queued them up as I quietly quenched my quest by quickly ascertaining which would produce the quirkiest quips.  Eventually, I decided to talk about the Quakers.

For those who aren’t members of the Quakers (that’s 99.9% of you), they are a mysteriously secret organisation, a bit like the Masons, the Illuminati, or Inuits.  Their membership is a complete secret and no one knows what they meet up to do or discuss.

The idea that an organisation operates in this manner has intrigued and aroused me for years.  What exotic delights lay beyond those double-bolted doors?  As I imagine the possibilities, my mind starts to wander freely through a variety of delightful scenarios.  I picture a great hall in which a hundred men in hoods and robes chant in unison, praising a pedestal upon which stands a solitary and delicious strawberry gateaux.  I daydream of a delectable vat of luxurious yoghurt being mixed and churned in constant rhythm, solely for the palettes of members.  I imagine the most tantalising honeydew being produced from the arse-end of an overgrown wasp queen, being bottled and enjoyed at exclusive Quaker banquets.  To be fair, most of my dreams involve food in some way.

The world's most exclusive gourmet club.

So what the hell is happening in there?  And, if it’s not food related, why is it so important?  Some might postulate that the Quakers are an elusive society that silently pluck the strings of government corruption and corporate greed to their advantage.  By inviting important figures of power and industry, they are able to discreetly govern the globe to their own advantage.  Of course, we all know that’s utter bollocks, otherwise why would they engineer a massive global recession?  That is, unless the financial collapse is a result of a conflict between the Quakers and a rival secret society of shape changing replicons from the centre of the Sun.  That, and JFK organised 9/11 for some reason that’s complicated to explain right now.

Secret societies are interesting solely because of their secrecy.  In reality, they probably just meet up to play darts and discuss their irregular bowel movements with other balding, middle aged men.  In all likeliness, it’s possibly just a golf club with a large sense of worth.

This lends itself nicely to the paranoid notions of secret governments which many people seem to hold.  There are plenty of conspiracy theories out there around powerful organisations who run things behind the scenes while we vote for what are essentially powerless figureheads.  These societies include the likes of the Illuminati, the Freemasons, the Knights Templar, and others who are most definitely real in every possible sense.

While these concepts make for a thrilling story or book, it just doesn’t seem to hold much water if you ask me.  For starters, why would a secret organisation choose such hopeless figureheads?  George Bush?  David Cameron?  People like that can only be elected by moronic masses.  A secret society would appoint someone who is slick, calm in a crisis, and popular.  A bit like, gasp, Barack Obama!  That’s it, we’re doomed man, we’re all fuckin’ doomed!

28 comments:

  1. You need someone who wears a cape or at least a trendy 'stash.

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    1. At first I thought you said "trendy sash". Beauty queens running the world!

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  2. Well quaker.co.uk reveals that Quaker are food related. I used to eat those for breakfast, and thanks to your blog I can only imagine myself eating food that was manufactured by a bizarre secret cult. Probably involving the sacrifice of some fair maidens.

    Personally I'd like to think that the Quakers consists of a combination of everything you've blogged about in your A-Z getting together. Old People rubbing themselves up against Lepers. Kleptomaniac Indigo Children with a huge collection of glass Eyes stored in Dodecahedron containers. Dave and the Norse Gods forming Great Britain and celebrating by listening to the not-Homoerotic-in-any-way Pet Shop Boys.

    Their arch-nemeses (I had to look up that plural) are simply Magic wielding Baddies who are plotting the Armageddon by destroying the world with Fog.

    You're right, we're doomed.

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    1. Bloody hell, that's awesome. Someone should make that into a movie. I would be played by Mickey Rourke.

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  3. I thought Quakers were out there, an open book of repressive bad hair and fashion. They specialize in oats and sacrifice virgin cats to Cthulu for a better crop of oats. I thought this was common knowledge.

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    1. I didn't think the cats had to be virgins. Or at least, they weren't by the time the Quakers were through with them.

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  4. That was some fancy pants alliteration there at the beginning. I also do not believe in secret societies controlling the world. I have to little faith in people to believe somebody wouldn't let the cast out of the bag in a drunken attempt to pick up girls in airport bar somewhere. "Hey baby, how do like to get with the man that controls the world?"

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    1. Good point. Who wouldn't use that as a pulling opportunity?

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  5. Quakers are peaceful and prayerful people. The others, who really knows.

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    1. Oh yeah, and how do you know? Can you get me in? I can't wait to try their honey!

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  6. I love the thought that secret societies house all these mysteries of the world. Meanwhile, a group of old men are meeting in 'secrecy' just to discuss which fiber helps them crap the best. Mystery solved - it's Metamucil. You're welcome, world.

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    1. Discussion about bowel movements must be conducted with the UTMOST secrecy. It's intrinsic to our success as a species.

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  7. That first alliterative bit reminded me of the "V for Vendetta" speech. Q for Quakedetta.

    -Barb the French Bean

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    1. That's a point. Not that I meant to stir any memories of that awful movie.

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  8. I read 'replicon' and my mind wandered to transformers, after all it sound so much like decepticon...anyway...when I think of a quaker I think hats but then I can't remember if thats the hats of hasidic jews or the hats of the Amish, hell, who knows if they even where hats? probably not, I should imagine it would fall off when they did the 'secret' head spin, back flip, go ricki, shake your booty greeting, no?

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    1. You'll have to teach me that greeting, then we can infiltrate Quaker headquarters and steal some hats.

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  9. Well, I hope their bowel movements are getting better seeing as their as their name brand oatmail is full of fiber. It's hard to oversee civilization being backed-up and all.

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    1. The key to successful world domination is regularity on the bowl. This is lesson one in "how to be a despot".

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  10. I eat Quakers for breakfast!

    (in a recession the rich get richer)

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  11. I always thought they had something to do with Oats...and Scotland?

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    1. It's all lies! The porridge business is all a front for their malevolent machinations as they twist and corrupt human society from behind a veiled curtain! It all makes sense!

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  12. I grew up in a town founded by Quakers...just saying...

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    1. Does your town yield unnecessarily high oat crops?

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  13. I almost forgot about the Quakers, but I can never for about the Freemason. By the way, the Freemasons are not a secret society. They are listed in the phone book, and most of their rituals have been exposed. What goes on behind closed doors is quite boring.

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  14. JFK ordered 9-11? LMFAO! Talk about total nutsos who believe in this freaking nonsense and have the gumption to publish their idiotic beliefs!

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