Q – Quakers

I must admit, I was in a quagmire when it came to quantity and quality whilst quantifying Q words.  I quickly quarrelled with a quartet of options and queued them up as I quietly quenched my quest by quickly ascertaining which would produce the quirkiest quips.  Eventually, I decided to talk about the Quakers.

For those who aren’t members of the Quakers (that’s 99.9% of you), they are a mysteriously secret organisation, a bit like the Masons, the Illuminati, or Inuits.  Their membership is a complete secret and no one knows what they meet up to do or discuss.

The idea that an organisation operates in this manner has intrigued and aroused me for years.  What exotic delights lay beyond those double-bolted doors?  As I imagine the possibilities, my mind starts to wander freely through a variety of delightful scenarios.  I picture a great hall in which a hundred men in hoods and robes chant in unison, praising a pedestal upon which stands a solitary and delicious strawberry gateaux.  I daydream of a delectable vat of luxurious yoghurt being mixed and churned in constant rhythm, solely for the palettes of members.  I imagine the most tantalising honeydew being produced from the arse-end of an overgrown wasp queen, being bottled and enjoyed at exclusive Quaker banquets.  To be fair, most of my dreams involve food in some way.

The world's most exclusive gourmet club.

So what the hell is happening in there?  And, if it’s not food related, why is it so important?  Some might postulate that the Quakers are an elusive society that silently pluck the strings of government corruption and corporate greed to their advantage.  By inviting important figures of power and industry, they are able to discreetly govern the globe to their own advantage.  Of course, we all know that’s utter bollocks, otherwise why would they engineer a massive global recession?  That is, unless the financial collapse is a result of a conflict between the Quakers and a rival secret society of shape changing replicons from the centre of the Sun.  That, and JFK organised 9/11 for some reason that’s complicated to explain right now.

Secret societies are interesting solely because of their secrecy.  In reality, they probably just meet up to play darts and discuss their irregular bowel movements with other balding, middle aged men.  In all likeliness, it’s possibly just a golf club with a large sense of worth.

This lends itself nicely to the paranoid notions of secret governments which many people seem to hold.  There are plenty of conspiracy theories out there around powerful organisations who run things behind the scenes while we vote for what are essentially powerless figureheads.  These societies include the likes of the Illuminati, the Freemasons, the Knights Templar, and others who are most definitely real in every possible sense.

While these concepts make for a thrilling story or book, it just doesn’t seem to hold much water if you ask me.  For starters, why would a secret organisation choose such hopeless figureheads?  George Bush?  David Cameron?  People like that can only be elected by moronic masses.  A secret society would appoint someone who is slick, calm in a crisis, and popular.  A bit like, gasp, Barack Obama!  That’s it, we’re doomed man, we’re all fuckin’ doomed!