As a master of the literary arts, there’s much more to my
repertoire than the humorous penis jokes that I usually post here. In fact, deep down I am a very delicate and
complex soul, like a rickety, antique clothes mangle. It may surprise you to learn that I am
actually something of a poet.
That’s right. My life’s
motto has always been “prose before hoes”.
On any given day, you are likely to find me sitting under a tree next to
a river, pondering the subtleties and subtexts of my latest creations, and definitely
not peeing in the river. I forged my
craft at amateur poetry readings, made iambic pentameter my bitch, and honed my
poetry skills in the fires of public readings. Here is my
latest effort; a commentary about our 21st century online romances. It’s called You Were Always On My
Timeline. Please enjoy.
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| These people have in no way influenced my poetry, just so you know. |
Maybe I didn't tweet you
Quite as much as I should have
Maybe I didn't poke you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have fav’ed and shared
I never took the time
You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline
Maybe I didn't invite you
All those Candy Crushing times
And I guess I never told you
I'm happy when you're online
My status you had to second guess
I'm so sorry I was blind
You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline
Tell me, tell me Google Plus will never die
Give me one more chance to keep you satisfied
Little things I should have fav’ed and shared
I never took the time
You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline it's true
I never followed anyone else but you
You were on my mind and in my circle
I barely social networked but you
You were always
I tried so hard I thought you knew
My love I’d tag myself for you
I’ll give up work to have the time
And I guess you couldn't read my mind
You were always
You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline
Quite as much as I should have
Maybe I didn't poke you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have fav’ed and shared
I never took the time
You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline
Maybe I didn't invite you
All those Candy Crushing times
And I guess I never told you
I'm happy when you're online
My status you had to second guess
I'm so sorry I was blind
You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline
Tell me, tell me Google Plus will never die
Give me one more chance to keep you satisfied
Little things I should have fav’ed and shared
I never took the time
You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline it's true
I never followed anyone else but you
You were on my mind and in my circle
I barely social networked but you
You were always
I tried so hard I thought you knew
My love I’d tag myself for you
I’ll give up work to have the time
And I guess you couldn't read my mind
You were always
You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline
I hope you enjoyed that. If you didn't then you obviously don't appreciate good poetry that in no way infringes on copyrighted materials from a certain 80's/90's synth-pop duo. That, my friends is your problem, not mine.
Synth pop? I read this to the tune of an old Willie Nelson song. I even smoked a massive bale of ganja to get the full, authentic Willie Nelson experience. Dammit. Now I have to go to work all high when I should have just worn fingerless gloves and acid-washed jeans (I really like to bring the experience to life).
ReplyDeleteAlso, sad to be the one to tell you, but Google Plus is already dead. It was dead as soon as it arrived, like a zombie baby, shuffling through cyberspace.
Hey, I never mentioned Willie Nelson. I never mentioned the Pet Shop Boys either, in case anyone ever asks.
DeleteOoooo no not Willie Nelson he was not the first. . . . Just saying
DeleteThat is actually really, really good. You should see if you can get it recorded. Parody law protects you completely. Weird Al gets permission but he doesn't need to. Remember, it's not copyright infringement, plagiarism, or blatant copying, it's parody. Tell yourself that enough and you'll also have plausible deniability as you can tell the judge you had no idea it wasn't parody.
ReplyDeleteSurely it's not copyright infringement if I don't profit from it, right? I could probably argue that everyone who reads this is poorer as a result, in some way, shape or form.
DeleteYou're clearly got the brains. Now, all you need is someone with the looks and I'll bet you could make lots of money. (Yes! Pet Shop Boys humor!)
ReplyDeleteIf this were on youtube, it would have a million page views by now.
"You're" / "You've.
DeleteSorry. That bothers me more than you can ever know. It's all I can do NOT to delete and repost.
Idiot, idiot, idiot!
Yes! I'll make a Flamboyant video with some dancing West End Girls in it.
DeleteBut, c'mon...who doesn't laugh at penis jokes?
ReplyDeleteOr "pull my finger?"
BTW, nicely done!
Those jokes are classics, but don't you ever long for something more substantial? More meaty? No, I'm not talking about penises again.
DeleteLike good synth-pop, Google Plus will never die. I just Google Plus'd my pog collection while I watched ALF, and it was tubular.
ReplyDeleteDid you watch Alf on VHS? That is radical my man. Totally radical.
DeleteAs the oldest by hundreds of years among your huge band of followers I would just like to say that it is not a Willie Nelson song it was around long before he recorded it and is in fact a Johnny Christopher and friends song first recorded back in 1972 when I was sort of young and enthusiastic and wearing flowery clothing and sporting rather long hair in a vaguely hippie sort of way. . . . working for the man and driving about in a rather cool lowered TR4. . . . . And now look at me an old conventional grummy chap . . . . DAMN that clock . . . .
ReplyDeleteGood work though Mr Addman I did it in a nice easy mid-west american accent singing to my horse. . . OK I did not have a horse so I improvised . . . singing to my hose......
Why does everyone keep talking about the Willie Nelson version? Don't people realise that I have a crippling gay crush on the Pet Shop Boys?
DeleteThere's a song on the radio called "Let Me Take a Selfie," or something along those lines. So, something like this actually has a chance to make it big. Plus, from reading this alone, I can tell it has ten times more rhythm and thought than the aforementioned selfie-song.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, can't wait until your next hit, "You're Body Needs No Instagram Filter," lands.
Next time I'll be covering that old Mystikal classic "Shake Your App"
DeleteLike! RT! I would so change my relationship status for a guy who sang me a song like this.
ReplyDeleteAnd this induced hearty laughter: "made iambic pentameter my bitch".
So many people are saying that I should record it that I am actually considering recording this. If you've ever listened to any of my podcasts, you'd realise that this is not a good thing.
DeleteYour introduction alone was sheer poetry. The rest, not so much. Actually, I love your take on the popular tunes of our times. Always much better and way cleverer than the originals.
ReplyDeleteIs this a popular tune of our times? I don't think the 90's counts as recent any more.
DeleteEveryone likes Willie Nelson . . . . has anyone said he sang this once. . . . . or was it Dolly Parton.
ReplyDeleteWhat have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
Delete