Friday, 1 August 2014

Muck Tales


When I look back at my short yet utterly worthless life, many of the worst things that have ever happened to me have occurred in the toilet.  Please understand that these events are not through any actions of my own, but through the negligence and inconsistency of others.  The main story I wish to share with you (the others are far too traumatic to divulge), is that the case of The Phantom Pooer.

The Phantom Pooer is one of those urban legends, like Cropsey or Slenderman.  It is an entity that can enter a bathroom stall and achieve the kind of supernatural feats that simply could not physically be performed by a human.  All cultures seem to have their own versions of this, such as El Poopacabra in Latin America, or known as Lavatore by the Italians, it seems that every corner of the globe has been peddle dashed by this poo felon at some point.  I have had several run-ins with this waste vigilante in the past, many of which have left me wishing for a shower in sulphuric acid.

The most recent poo crime scene I witnessed occurred at the cinema.  Entering any bathroom is always a daunting prospect.  Will the toilets be clean?  Will anyone try and look at my doodle?  What type of air freshener will they be using, if any?  These are all troublesome thoughts upon entry.  However, my worries were compounded when I saw someone running out of there holding his nose and gagging audibly.  Without an alternative toilet solution I ventured in anyway, assuming that the previous visitor must have had a weak stomach.

The toilet:  The most used image on Muppets For Justice
I was dead wrong.  A scene that can only be described as a turd autopsy had occurred in one of the two bathroom stalls.  This predominantly brown Jackson Pollack replica was primarily composed on the back of the toilet seat, but had managed to make its way all around the back wall and across the cubicle sides.  It seemed that very little had actually reached its destination in the toilet bowl (hopefully, that was the intended target).  As a little garnish, a solitary sheet of toilet paper was stuck proudly to the rim.  I couldn’t decide if this little flourish was a calling card, or if the perpetrator had attempted to clean it up before saying “fuck this” and running away from his futile duty.

I know I’m not the only person who has experienced such scenes of bowel-tensing terror.  At my previous job there was talk a mysterious pooer who regularly left neat little curlings on the rim of the seat.  Was this person trying to get back the company?  Or, as I suspect, is it a creature yet uncategorised by science with an agenda beyond our comprehension that is leaving these puzzling poops?  Perhaps this is our first contact with alien life, and this is how they communicate.

I believe it’s time for an international enquiry into these phenomena.  Have you ever stumbled upon a poo crime scene?  Was the perpetrator ever caught?  Together we can wipe out this menace with the 2-ply of justice.

12 comments:

  1. I haven't ran into anything like that myself but I have heard of such things happening. It always boggles my mind too that someone would actually do that with their own poop. It's better than doing it with someone else's I guess, but that's the kind of thing you shouldn't do at all with anybody's poop.

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    1. I agree, poo should never be interacted with under any circumstances. However why is poo disgusting, yet farts are hilarious?

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  2. I have an arsenal of toilet stories that'll haunt your dreams. Have you ever heard of a poo angel? How 'bout a disass-terous assacre? Brown death? Fecality? Poo on the loo? Grab a flashlight, children.

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    1. Tales from beyond the bowl! WoooOooOooOOOoooo!

      I dread to think what a poo angel is. If it's anything like a snow angel I might just end it all now.

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  3. Not quite the same thing, but I do remember years ago in Leicester Square, entering a public toilet. All I can recall is the sound of gagging and the screams of women holding their noses and running towards the door. And there, stood in the middle of the bogs, was a middle age woman with poop covering both hands...and I mean COVERING.

    Apparently there was no toilet paper left, so she used her hands. (why both of them, I don't know) Trouble was, the taps were broken and so there was no water for her to wash them. So I did what any good Samaritan would do and ran like Satan was chasing me.

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    1. Surely she could have asked someone to pass her some toilet roll. As annoying as it is to enter a cubicle and find that there's no toilet roll left (rule 1: always check for toilet roll), I've never been in a situation where someone hasn't been able to pass some under the door.

      Either way I think you reacted like a saint. Well done on keeping your composure.

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  4. As a teenager I worked at a gas station. The unimaginable horror I encountered in the bathroom on a regular basis would make a schizophrenic homeless person turn up his nose and take his tattered pants elsewhere. Everyone refused to clean it. We locked the doors and never spoke about it again.

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    1. I think there's a prestigious award for "World's Dirtiest Gas Station Toilet". The competition is fierce, but it sounds like you might have stood a chance.

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  5. All I can say is - "Who ever smelt it, dealt it!" IDST.

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    1. Damn! You got me on a technicality!

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  6. I did once meet at strange man in a public toilet who used it to ask folk for money for a cup of tea when folk were sort of unable to run away from him. Luckily he had cornered someone else at the time so I was able to escape. About half an hour later I saw a couple of policemen and mentioned it to them. They replied with AH DAMN its Freddie again, dont worry we will find him, he is usually in one of the toilets. . . . . Are there folk that live in toilets . . . . . If the smell is bad I will avoid them if I can only a couple of times have I found myself avoiding touching anything including taps and if possible the floor. . . .

    Mr Addman you are bringing back bad memories think flowers and fluffy kittens. . . .

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    1. I'm with you. When I need to use a public toilet, I tend to tie balloons to my belt which float me above the floor, then I do my business, then float out after using one of those grabber arms to turn the taps and wash my hands. It's an elaborate scheme, but it stops the contamination that is sure to occur.

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