The Chupacabra Defence Plan

Everyone and their dog has a plan of action in case the long-awaited zombie apocalypse comes to fruition. It seems that everywhere you turn, people are discussing which supermarkets they'd raid first, what's the best weapon for caving in a zombie's skull, and who they would eat first if they were to turn to the undead side. They discuss this with relish (because human flesh isn't too tasty on it's own), which probably says a lot about our charmed, moddy-coddled lives that we fantasize about the collapse of modern society as if it's an exciting event.

However, while all these chumps are making plans against an invasion which will never occur, I'm busy preparing myself for a much more pertinent threat. I am preparing for the chupacabra invasion.

Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "but Addman, your witty and incredible Blog only serves to compliment your rugged good looks, and I'd like to donate £100 to you". Well, that's gratefully received, if slightly off topic, but you should also be concerned about chupacabras. These goat-sucking beasts of legend may only terrorise Mexican farmers right now, but my own research suggests that chupacabras may become the next big threat to humanity.

I vant to suck your goats

As it stands, we all know that chupacabras only attack goats. This has given me a terrible fear of goats themselves, since chupacabras may be near them at any given time. This thought has lead me to run screaming from my local petting zoo on more than one occasion. I haven't been able to play Goat Simulator in case there's a chupacabra in it. As terrifying as all that is, what happens when these chupacabras fancy a change in their diet?

The more goats they eat, the stronger they will become. Soon enough, a single goat will not be enough to fill a chupacabra anymore, so they will turn their sights to the deadliest game on the planet, giant gorillas. If they can take on a giant gorilla, then a human being will likely be a light snack in comparison.

Not only that, but chupacabra sightings seem to have dramatically risen since I started to look for them.  Before I was aware of the chupacabra menace, I barely ever heard about chupacabras.  Then when I wised up and began searching for them online, I came across hundreds of chupacabra stories, which suggests that chupacabras are on the march.  Their activities are becoming more lively, and they are visiting more and more mentally disturbed people.  A sure sign that the chupacabra apocalypse is nigh.

This is why I am currently fortifying my home. I don't want to panic my girlfriend, so I've been trying to fortify the living room with soft furnishings such as drapes and cushions, which she seems rather pleased about. I will replace these with titanium struts and girders next time she goes to visit her mother, then bolt myself inside. Anyone who doesn't take the chupacabra threat seriously will be the first to be eaten when their ravenous eye turns towards the nutritional value of mankind. I'm not taking that chance, and neither should you. Take steps now and avoid the great feast that is nigh!