The Chupacabra Defence Plan

Everyone and their dog has a plan of action in case the long-awaited zombie apocalypse comes to fruition. It seems that everywhere you turn, people are discussing which supermarkets they'd raid first, what's the best weapon for caving in a zombie's skull, and who they would eat first if they were to turn to the undead side. They discuss this with relish (because human flesh isn't too tasty on it's own), which probably says a lot about our charmed, moddy-coddled lives that we fantasize about the collapse of modern society as if it's an exciting event.

However, while all these chumps are making plans against an invasion which will never occur, I'm busy preparing myself for a much more pertinent threat. I am preparing for the chupacabra invasion.

Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "but Addman, your witty and incredible Blog only serves to compliment your rugged good looks, and I'd like to donate £100 to you". Well, that's gratefully received, if slightly off topic, but you should also be concerned about chupacabras. These goat-sucking beasts of legend may only terrorise Mexican farmers right now, but my own research suggests that chupacabras may become the next big threat to humanity.

I vant to suck your goats

As it stands, we all know that chupacabras only attack goats. This has given me a terrible fear of goats themselves, since chupacabras may be near them at any given time. This thought has lead me to run screaming from my local petting zoo on more than one occasion. I haven't been able to play Goat Simulator in case there's a chupacabra in it. As terrifying as all that is, what happens when these chupacabras fancy a change in their diet?

The more goats they eat, the stronger they will become. Soon enough, a single goat will not be enough to fill a chupacabra anymore, so they will turn their sights to the deadliest game on the planet, giant gorillas. If they can take on a giant gorilla, then a human being will likely be a light snack in comparison.

Not only that, but chupacabra sightings seem to have dramatically risen since I started to look for them.  Before I was aware of the chupacabra menace, I barely ever heard about chupacabras.  Then when I wised up and began searching for them online, I came across hundreds of chupacabra stories, which suggests that chupacabras are on the march.  Their activities are becoming more lively, and they are visiting more and more mentally disturbed people.  A sure sign that the chupacabra apocalypse is nigh.

This is why I am currently fortifying my home. I don't want to panic my girlfriend, so I've been trying to fortify the living room with soft furnishings such as drapes and cushions, which she seems rather pleased about. I will replace these with titanium struts and girders next time she goes to visit her mother, then bolt myself inside. Anyone who doesn't take the chupacabra threat seriously will be the first to be eaten when their ravenous eye turns towards the nutritional value of mankind. I'm not taking that chance, and neither should you. Take steps now and avoid the great feast that is nigh!

My Most Ridiculous Adult Failures

The childish obsession with growing up is one of the greatest deceptions in the universe.  As kids, we are conditioned to believe that all the ills of our lives will all be fixed and resolved by the time we reach adulthood.  Every year closer is an inch towards independence, wisdom, and an all-encompassing constitution.  Adults know everything and always know best.

So, when you reach 18 and you are still reaching all-time lows on a five-a-day basis, you start to realize that even adults can make mistakes.  I was recently inspired by a post over at the wonderful Scarlett Wonderland (seriously, visit her Blog for further fun and shenanigans) which detailed her 3 biggest blunders of her mature life.  Naturally, this got me thinking about the stupid crap I’ve done since I turned 18 and, coming up with far more than 3 and being unable to choose between them, I decided to list them.  This list is not in chronological order, nor is it in chronological disorder.  It just is.

1.  Used an old pizza box as a bathmat for 6 months.  In my defense, I simply couldn’t be arsed to buy one.

2.  Made a double-decker sofa by fixing a bed frame onto some struts and putting a bean bag on top.  It was all going well until someone decided to sit on the top storey, at which point I realized that Blu-Tak wouldn’t support the weight of a human.

3.  Called the local cryptozoologist to examine genuine chupacabra scat in my back garden.  The black droppings turned out to be roasted bees from the “Barbeque Under the Beehive” event that I hosted the day before.  Well, that and a bit of my own scat that I used to claim my territory.

Tasty when grilled

4.  I once bought a pineapple under the sea to be more like my hero, Mickey Mouse.  The estate agent who sold it to me was a shady character; absorbent and yellow and porous was he.  He also didn’t explain that I’d have to have gills to fully utilize this piece of real estate, meaning that I lost most of my savings in the process.

5.  Tried to plumb in my own bathtub, only to inadvertently create a sentient robot made entirely from brass pipes and powered by steam.  The robot couldn’t speak or move since I didn’t give him limbs or a mouth; all he could do was whistle in pain as piping hot steam scalded his body.  A local steampunk convention travelled across the country to set up in my front room, which was annoying when I was trying to watch Take Me Out.

6.  Broke gravity by gluing some buttered toast onto a cat’s back and throwing it in the air.  The cat couldn’t land for days until, eventually, the realm of physics was destroyed and had to be restarted.

7.  Offered to make balloon animals at a kid’s birthday party, but didn’t have any balloons.  Luckily, I had a fresh supply of condoms that had only been partially used (managed to avoid a massive fail with that one).

8.  Went on a voyage to the bottom of my goldfish tank to find ancient treasure.  It turned out the treasure was cursed by Aztecs, which gave me numerous medical conditions such as impotence and an irrational fear of Philip Schofield.

9.  Accidentally, yet purposefully, ran over the cat next door, simply because it was prettier than me.

10.  Went around irritated for three weeks because I could feel something in my eye.  Turned out it was my eyeball.

That’s all the embarrassing things I dare to list right now.  You guys better not take the piss out of me.  I’m sharing my inner soul here.  My cat-killing, cursed soul that is, but my soul nonetheless!

Serial Killer Suggestions

It's no secret that Hollywood is on it's arse, both creatively and financially. That's why we at Muppets for Justice occasionally like to suggest new ideas for movies.  Anything to break up the formulaic tedium unleashed by the current slew of film studios.  So, focussing on horror movies, we had a bit of a think tank with a certain undesirable section of society.  Basically, we asked several serial killers to tell us what scares them the most.  If it scares them, it's guaranteed to petrify the likes of you and me, right?  Anyway, here are the results:

Ted Bundy: An old man who has had his eyes replaced with a dog's eyes.

Fred West: How about a child with a jack in the box full of poisonous wasps?

Charles Manson: A haunted toaster that turns itself on when it's unplugged.  It continues trying to toast even when there's no bread in it.

Rose West: A woman in a window brushing her hair, but when you look again she's not there and SHE'S BEHIND YOU - OH GOD!

Raul Moat: An abandoned hospital staffed by ventriloquist dummies in nurse uniforms. The admin is done solely by clowns.

Ian Huntley:  A ghost that has died and become a ghost's ghost.

Anders Brevik:  Uncontrolled immigration.

James Egan Holmes:  A group of hooded men stood around chanting, and when you look closer, they're...AHA!  Gotcha!

Seung-Hui Cho:  A leech the size of a hippo.

Jack The Ripper:  An enchanted flute that summons the chupacabra.

Ed Gein:  A woman who turns around and her face is a skeleton's face. Her boobs are also a skeleton's boobs.

Thomas Dillon:  A child on a swing that is on fire but he keeps swinging anyway.  He probably started the fire himself.

John Allen Muhammad:  Moss growing on an old woman who has sat down for too long.

Aileen Wuornos:  Some children go into the woods, but are possessed by a wizard who makes them eat  all sorts of disgusting things like worms and slugs and puppy dog eyes.  He creates a banquet of grizzly foods and forces them to finish the whole thing.  Also, they kill their parents.

Nathaniel White:  A school kid with long hair over her face and she's sepia-tinted.

Scott Williams:  A man in a restaurant rapidly eating his way towards his credit limit, and not giving a fuck.

I can't watch...is it over?  Phew.  I'm sure we can all agree, that was probably the most frightening collection of ideas ever committed to the Internet.  Let's hope that a bigwig film producer gets hold of these ideas and incorporates them all into a Halloween blockbuster.  Let's also hope that he pays me, handsomely.

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In other news, eccentric son of the Internet Rob Z Tobor, has kindly given me this accolade:

This certifies that I am a Radical Abstract Thinker, which gives me something else to put on my CV underneath Secret Lemonade Drinker (if you get that joke, you're too damn old!).  Anyway, if you sometimes think radical abstract thoughts, perhaps you would consider reading his Blog.  He's been popping up on my Sexy People feed on a daily basis for months, and now you've got no excuse not to visit.  Do it now!