Memes With Glaxxor The Space Lizard

Greetings mammals.  This being is sometimes known as the space cowboy.  This being is sometimes known as the gangster of love.  However, since being exiled to this putrid terrestrial world, this being is often known as Glaxxor The Space Lizard.

In order to prepare humanity for assimilation into our species, this being has been studying human media and deciding upon a conquest strategy that will save as many egg sacks human lives as possible. To win over the human body, this being has realised that the inferior human mind must first be courted.  And what terrible distractions does the human mind enjoy?  After studying the electronic archive of all Earthly endeavour (known as “Teh Internets”), it is obvious that humans enjoy “memes”.  That is why this being has created some epic winnings with which to cure the human condition.  Please enjoy these unsophisticated tropes:

Hahahaha!  Mister Bandana is known for his thought-provoking advice.  Stomach cavities are the ideal place to nurture your parasitic offspring.  The two concepts merge to produce laughable results that will endear your entire species to the concept of becoming walking nurseries for our young.  Hahahaha!

It seems that humans love being caught in the middle of sexual procreation by cats.  Cats in ceilings watch humans spilling seminal fluid with hilarious results.  Think about the comedic potential of a REAL sexy lady watching?  Look at the frills on that!  While making this image, this being shed at least three layers of skin uncontrollably.  Powerfully erotic.

Overfed felines are no laughing matter, yet humans cover their Internets with pictures of their fat cats.  This being wonders why humans like to laugh at gratuitous pictures of tasty sub-creatures, but hopes that you will enjoy witnessing this appetising delight.

Humans enjoy sending each other the gyrations of Mr Richard Rolls.  However, this being felt that Richard’s lyrics needed a little touching up in order to make grammatical sense.  Please enjoy this reworking of a poorly conceived popular song.

Now that the memes have been dispatched, this being believes that the links between our races have become stronger.  Now if you would kindly sit still the next time I extend my ovipositor into your belly button, this being will ensure that our species become closer than you could possibly imagine.  Toodle ciao!

My Most Ridiculous Adult Failures

The childish obsession with growing up is one of the greatest deceptions in the universe.  As kids, we are conditioned to believe that all the ills of our lives will all be fixed and resolved by the time we reach adulthood.  Every year closer is an inch towards independence, wisdom, and an all-encompassing constitution.  Adults know everything and always know best.

So, when you reach 18 and you are still reaching all-time lows on a five-a-day basis, you start to realize that even adults can make mistakes.  I was recently inspired by a post over at the wonderful Scarlett Wonderland (seriously, visit her Blog for further fun and shenanigans) which detailed her 3 biggest blunders of her mature life.  Naturally, this got me thinking about the stupid crap I’ve done since I turned 18 and, coming up with far more than 3 and being unable to choose between them, I decided to list them.  This list is not in chronological order, nor is it in chronological disorder.  It just is.

1.  Used an old pizza box as a bathmat for 6 months.  In my defense, I simply couldn’t be arsed to buy one.

2.  Made a double-decker sofa by fixing a bed frame onto some struts and putting a bean bag on top.  It was all going well until someone decided to sit on the top storey, at which point I realized that Blu-Tak wouldn’t support the weight of a human.

3.  Called the local cryptozoologist to examine genuine chupacabra scat in my back garden.  The black droppings turned out to be roasted bees from the “Barbeque Under the Beehive” event that I hosted the day before.  Well, that and a bit of my own scat that I used to claim my territory.

Tasty when grilled

4.  I once bought a pineapple under the sea to be more like my hero, Mickey Mouse.  The estate agent who sold it to me was a shady character; absorbent and yellow and porous was he.  He also didn’t explain that I’d have to have gills to fully utilize this piece of real estate, meaning that I lost most of my savings in the process.

5.  Tried to plumb in my own bathtub, only to inadvertently create a sentient robot made entirely from brass pipes and powered by steam.  The robot couldn’t speak or move since I didn’t give him limbs or a mouth; all he could do was whistle in pain as piping hot steam scalded his body.  A local steampunk convention travelled across the country to set up in my front room, which was annoying when I was trying to watch Take Me Out.

6.  Broke gravity by gluing some buttered toast onto a cat’s back and throwing it in the air.  The cat couldn’t land for days until, eventually, the realm of physics was destroyed and had to be restarted.

7.  Offered to make balloon animals at a kid’s birthday party, but didn’t have any balloons.  Luckily, I had a fresh supply of condoms that had only been partially used (managed to avoid a massive fail with that one).

8.  Went on a voyage to the bottom of my goldfish tank to find ancient treasure.  It turned out the treasure was cursed by Aztecs, which gave me numerous medical conditions such as impotence and an irrational fear of Philip Schofield.

9.  Accidentally, yet purposefully, ran over the cat next door, simply because it was prettier than me.

10.  Went around irritated for three weeks because I could feel something in my eye.  Turned out it was my eyeball.

That’s all the embarrassing things I dare to list right now.  You guys better not take the piss out of me.  I’m sharing my inner soul here.  My cat-killing, cursed soul that is, but my soul nonetheless!

Mother's Day

The day is almost upon us where we pay homage to the ones who birthed us.  As children, we cause nothing but pain and regret for our mothers during our formative years through teething, detentions, and tantrums.  As adults, very little changes in that respect.  Although, when we reach that state of self awareness known as maturity, it is nice to show that you appreciate the feminine half of your parentage by celebrating Mother’s Day.

This year, rather than just getting a few petrol station flowers and a card, perhaps you should think about getting a really worthwhile present.  Why not go out of your way this time and get something thoughtful, something meaningful, or something unexpected?  I’ve decided to list a few ideas, so feel free to use them.  No need to thank me.  Your satisfied postal cheques are thanks enough.

A typical, hard working mother

A String Of Garlic

When you tell your Mum that you’ve bought her some cloaves this year, there’s no chance that she’ll be disappointed or mislead.  You could always get her a Cloaves Voucher from your local supermarket, allowing her to purchase as much garlic as she could possibly imagine.

Two Bags Of Self Raising Flour

Because one bag would be far too frugal.  Your mother will appreciate being bought flours on Mother’s Day, because nothing says that you appreciate the way in which you were “raised” than some formative baking products.

A Smoked Cat

This delicacy is very simple to prepare.  Simply find a cat (preferably a neighbourhood one that no one likes), skin it, then slowly chargrill it for 24 hours until it is as black as Mitt Romney’s heart.  Once done, wring out any excess juices and bottle them.  Smells good huh?  Give your mother the bottle and watch her sample the delicious aromas of the purr fumes.

A Stripper

Don’t make the mistake of getting a male stripper, because quite frankly, no one likes to see a man in the nude.  Your mother is sure to enjoy a little bit of Candy. (P.S. always check the name of your stripper before purchase.  This pun doesn’t work if your stripper is named Chantelle or something)

50 Shades Of Gray

Because I’m sure everyone will be as pleased as punch to see their mother reading this book.  Then again, if you’ve already taken the previous idea and ordered her a stripper named Candy, this probably won’t disturb you in the slightest.

Now that we’re all a little bit wiser in the ways of mothers, I hope that you all get her something she truly deserves.  If you have any other ideas on what mothers want, please feel free to comment and make suggestions below.  In fact, I implore you to.  Not because I need ideas or anything.

Cat Reviews

It has long since been documented by historians that the ancient Egyptians used to revere cats as sacred animals.  These furry felines were treated like Gods and enjoyed a lifestyle of luxury whilst slaves in rags toiled in the baking sun to build them glorious monuments. 

Were the cats even grateful?  Not in the slightest.  They couldn’t care that thousands of ape creatures sacrificed their lives through spine-snapping labour to build a likeness of them that wouldn’t even be appreciated.  In fact, cats are the most aloof animal out there.  They enjoy the care and warmth that their human cohorts supply, yet give nothing, not even the slightest fleck of affection or gratitude.  That’s why, in the Internet age, there are approximately 10 bajillion YouTube clips of people’s cats.

Since people are so utterly fascinated by cat antics, I thought I could drive up traffic on this Blog by discussing the world’s most thankless and unrewarding pet.  More specifically, I’m going to review some cats and give them a score out of ten.  The reviews are completely unbiased and impartial, although my lawyers would have me declare that I hate cats and I’m highly allergic to them.  With that out of the way, let’s critique some moggies!


Felix

Felix is a black and white...thing.  I’m not sure what breed he is other than he looks like the cat off of the Felix adverts, hence his owners have called him Felix.

Seriously, what’s up with that name?  His owners are severely lacking in imagination.  Why can’t you call him “Lance Thunderclap” or “Supreme Space Emperor Flarg XXII:  Domineer of the Parsec Cluster”?  Hell, even the name “John Major” conjures up more style and charisma than “Felix”.

Anyways, there are a few defects with this model.  Firstly, Felix poops in a litter tray, but fails to clean the litter tray afterwards and doesn’t apologise for defecating in the food-preparation zone that is the kitchen.  He is an indoors cat and as such, requires extra sustenance in the form of cat food.  He can’t even be sustained by regular patches or downloadable content, he requires 2 tins of shredded bovine per day!  He eats better than me, and I thought I had it good last Tuesday when I stirred my Pot Noodle with a Cheesestring!

All in all, Felix is more trouble than he’s worth.  Would not recommend.

2/10



Amber

Again, this is another lacklustre name for a ginger tabby.  Since we’re dealing with a red head, you’re missing a trick if you don’t call it “Fanta Face” or “Tampon McBloodClot”.  It makes it a lot more fun when the cat goes missing and you have walk around the local children’s park shouting it’s name.

Name aside, Amber is not actually a bad cat.  She goes outside and mercilessly slaughters the local wildlife, thus providing less competition for when you want to forage through your neighbour’s bins.

The downside is that she often brings the mauled carcasses of her victims into your house and leaves them in the most awkward places, such as inside shoes, on pillows, and in your underwear drawer.  Sure, you may end up with a mangled robin wrapped around your balls as you get dressed in the morning, but at least you’ve found that special something for tonight’s casserole.

5/10



Mrs. Cuddlebum

Okay, at least we have an original name this time.  However, Mrs. Cuddlebum makes me want to blow chunks like cooling down your chicken and mushroom soup with a leaf blower.  It’s so sickly sweet, and who on Earth wants to cuddle a cat’s bum?  No matter how often they point their anus at you, you should never cuddle something that could potentially rain faecal matter in your eyes.

In other aspects, Mrs. Cuddlebum is simply lacklustre.  She has too much hair.  This not only means that you can’t appreciate her aerodynamic proportions (rendering her virtually flightless), it also means that she sheds fur like a motherfucker.  If you get a Mrs.  Cuddlebum of your own, be sure to take out extra insurance on that Dyson.  Oh, and buy a Dyson.

Also, I have it on good authority that she’s smothered three babies by sitting on them.

0/10



Well that’s three horrible critters critiqued and rated.  If you would like me to review your cat simply package it up and send it to me.  I can’t guarantee that all review models will be returned due to our strict stress testing procedures.  Also, if anyone can recommend some strong antihistamines, I’d be more than grateful.