Tulips And Other Short Stories

As I recently mentioned in a previous post, I'm making a punt to help out some of my Blogging peers.  For too long Muppets For Justice has stood as a lonely monolith, radiating pain and chaos across the Internet with little regard for safety regulations.  The time has come to give something back to the community that I have taken so much from (including all of your weapons-grade plutonium).

In order to rectify this, I am pleased to welcome my fellow Blogger Mark from The Rambling Person, who has recently released an ebook full of entertaining delights.  The ebook consists of 8 short stories and can be yours for the minuscule price of 77p!  That's less than the price of a chocolate bar, and I guarantee it will last much longer and not make you fat.

In order to cajole you into buying his book, we have prepared a series of fresh interview questions for your eyeballs.  Please read them all:

An actual photograph of Mark

Addman:  Your book, Tulips And Other Stories, is a book of short stories including a story called Tulips.  Did the fact that it is full of stories, one of which is called Tulips, influence the name of the book?

Mark:  I was struggling for a while for a name for the book. As most people who know me know, I'm terrible with names. For me to use up every name for a kid I want I will have to have a lot of babies. On the plus side, I'm ready should I need to repopulate the Earth one day. I couldn't come up with anything and then one day it hit me like a penny dropped from the Empire State Building that the first story is called Tulips and there are other stories in the book. I could just combine the two thoughts in to one supreme title. I celebrated with a night of heavy drinking that resulted in me not remembering the day before but thankfully I had written the title down already before I got drunk.


Addman:  There's quite a bit of difference between most of the stories isn't there?

Mark:  There is a vast difference between most of the stories yes, and actually that's not too good because it makes it so hard to write a description. The one question about my book I've so far been unable to answer is the very simple one of "So, what's it about?". A lot of short story collections follow a theme and really mine doesn't. If there is one though it would be spirituality given that a lot of the stories deal with life, death, life after death, love, and loss.

Addman:  Speaking specifically about Tulips (the short story) there are some rather stark themes of loss and sadness.  Did you drawn on anything in particular for inspiration?

Mark:  I've dealt with a fair amount of loss in my time, so I hope I was able to convey the feeling quite well. I wasn't drawing on any particular inspiration for the story though. It was inspired by a picture prompt and to me the picture looked like shattered glass behind which flowers could be seen. I went from there to, well, the story. I would probably be more worried about what my mind comes up with but I'm used to it at this point, and I'm capable of writing happy sappy love stories.

Addman:  Which story are you most excited for people to read, and why?

Mark:  A Conversation With God. It's something where I do actually draw on my own thoughts and opinions about the ways in which God works. I'm not saying I'm right, I'm just saying...you're wrong. Well actually I'm just trying to provide answers to questions nobody asked and I would like people to take what I said in that story and think about it, and how they can help improve the world.

Addman:  Speaking of which, were you concerned that you might raise some controversy over Conversation With God?

Mark:  Yes I was, which is why I specifically mentioned it in the preface to try and halt the controversy before it began. On the other hand though controversy is brilliant marketing so a part of me wanted it to happen too. Although right now I've not received any death threats or hate mail so it's not working.

Addman:  Out of the 8 stories you've included, are there any that you felt constrained or had to squeeze down to fit into this short story compilation?

Mark:  To be honest for most of them I had to expand upon them further and further and keep adding to them. Some of them I couldn't do this at all and they remain really short. There was barely any cutting out, and definitely a lot of adding and expanding.

Addman:  Would you consider yourself a post-feminist-ultra-neosmapolitan-cyberbeing, or should we just call you Mark?

Mark:  I AM technically a Cyberbeing sent from the future but my name comes from the language of the future and your unevolved tongues aren't capable of pronouncing it so my designation of Mostly Automatic Reading Knave, or Mark for short, will do.

Cyberbeing comes with cat accessory

Addman:  Have you ever defeated a love rival in an arena of combat?

Mark:  Yes but the police don't know and I'd rather not incriminate myself.

Addman:  What would you say to anyone else thinking of self publishing an ebook?

Mark:  Don't as you're taking my customers dammit! Although to be serious I say go for it really. It's a lot easier than it looks (and yet a lot more difficult) and I think it's something that's worth doing if you have a story you want to tell. Getting published isn't hard these days, thanks to Kindle, it's getting sold that is. Don't expect to shoot straight to the moon, and be patient. Your time will come.

Addman:  What five words would you use to persuade people to buy your book?

Mark:  Buy my bloody book already. Seriously though? I overcame insanity for this.

Addman:  What six words would you use to persuade people to buy your book?

Mark:  Seriously, buy the bloody book already. To be serious once more...They're good stories, so buy them.

Addman:  Is your book suitable for illiterates (bearing in mind that you can write what you like about them here; they can't read it)?

Mark:  I believe it is as some Kindles come with a feature where it reads the books to you. I think they make excellent bed time stories as well as there's nothing more suitable for children than a story where children...well that would be spoiling the book but I think there are good lessons about what a child shouldn't do in there. They're also quite simple stories so I imagine they could probably be read by people who aren't very good at it, or used to help teach people to read in the first place.

Addman:  Do you have any other stories/books/scriptures/dance routines that you are working on?

Mark:  Oh God yes. Too many perhaps. I'm working (right now) on one fun little side project that gets no love, a story about a boy who dreams of becoming a pirate which I hope to turn in to a full length novel, two other short stories (one of which is halfway and one that's not started), and of course Immortal Space. That's the story I run on my blog in twice weekly instalments. When it's done it will be compiled in to a book and should hopefully be published by the end of the year.



If that hasn't persuaded you to buy it, anyone who purchases the book will get to see myself and Mark performing a sensual scarf dance, as soon as I can coax him to agree to it.  If not, you'll just have to imagine it instead.  Imagine it.  Imagine it!

Marjie Myers Blog Tour

As a writer and Internet try hard, I have unfortunately found very little time to help out fellow writers.  That's why, when I heard that one of my favourite Internet writers was going to do a Blog Tour, I knew I just had to make it happen.  I have asked fellow Blogger and newly published author, Marjie Myers along for an indoctrination into the ways of Muppets For Justice.

If you haven't come across Marjie before, I encourage you to read her Blog (The Suddenly Kate Show) for more of her writings, music reviews, and general shenanigans.  She churns out stories so easily it's like exhaling for her, and as such, Marjie has written a new ebook.  I've read it and I have to say, I'm very pleased that I did.  Mainly because the rest of this post would have been really awkward, but also because it's a fantastic read.   Here's the official blurb:

This ebook consists of two short stories,

12 Days

A romantic comedy; a man, a woman, a dog, a challenge, romance, laughter, memories, love & hope.

Young 80 

A horror; a young woman, a foggy night, a race home, trapped, scared, confused, crazy, an old woman, an empty room, a lost love and hope.

Having read both short stories I can safely say they are fantastic.  12 Days (and I say this as someone who doesn't generally enjoy rom-coms) is surprisingly funny with a warm centre.  Young 80 is a tense affair, ably written and surprising.  I don't want to say much more without giving away key plot points, so I'll let Marjie do the talking.  To give you a little more information about the ebook, we did a little Q&A for your information and amusement.

An artist's rendition of Marjie Myers

 
Addman:  So, what's the ebook about?

Marjie Myers:  The ebook is made up of two stories, I keep referring to it as an ebook pasty, because one of the stories is savoury (horror) and the other sweet (romantic comedy) but unless you know anything about pasties you might just go huh?! But back in the 19th century a pasty was a way a miner could take a complete meal to work, one half savoury, one half sweet and all wrapped in pastry.

The first story (sweet) is called 12 Days. It is a romantic comedy about a man who wants to propose to his long term girlfriend with a big romantic gesture. He is inspired by the Christmas song ‘The twelve days of Christmas’ and decides to surprise her each day for twelve days culminating in a marriage proposal. Ryan stumbles from one day to the next as he tries to romance Sarah. It doesn’t always go to plan but his intentions are good.

The second story (savoury) is called Young 80 is a horror and is about a young woman who’s Halloween night does not go to plan. Her first mistake is to work late and it doesn’t get any better from there.


Addman:  What's an ebook?  Is it like an ewok?

Marjie Myers:  An ebook is an electronic book, so you can read it on mobile devices and any with the ebook reader software, so mobile phones, nooks, kindles, computers etc.


Addman:  How did you go about getting your ebook published?

Marjie Myers:  I am self-publishing it.  So it’s all been down to me. I never attempted the traditional route but I think that is because I am more of a control freak than I’d like to admit.


Addman:  Is it true that you once had to perform the Heimlich Manoeuvre on a choking moose?  If so, please explain the situation in full detail.

Marjie Myers:  What?! How on earth did you find out about that? I would tell you but legally I am not supposed to disclose any details. All I can say is it was an act of kindness that was completely misconstrued, I have always liked moose or is it mooses or meese?


Addman: I think meese are mice.  Anyway, What are your inspirations behind your writing?

Marjie Myers:  I’m not entirely sure! I just have these stories that I want to write, that are going on inside my head, and that I want to share. Ok, that sounds a little crazy! But I have always been fascinated with people and their motives and what drives them to act in the ways that they do and I think the many facets of humanity and understanding them inspire me.


Addman:  I know that you recently took part in the NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month, where participants have to write a 50,000 word novel in a month).  Did you write the book during this time?  Also, would you recommend it as a writing process?

Marjie Myers:  I didn’t write these stories as part of NaNoWriMo. I did participate and I succeeded in writing the very rough draft (50,000 words) novel. It is a crime mystery called Act of Love. As a writing process I would definitely recommend it. I am new to writing. I am new to putting all the stories in my head on paper and making them available. I didn’t have any preconceived ideas before Nano and it was very much an attempt by myself to see if I could write a complete story, if I could write daily and find the time and also to meet other writers in the same/similar situation.  It is surprising at how you can find those few minutes each day or an hour or two at the weekends and just write. It made me realise what is possible.  I think lots of people start stories but never finish and it’s a great way of actually finishing something. I think there is also one in June. The Twitter support from other writers for it was amazing.


Addman:  Sounds like great fun, but hard.  How did you avoid being distracted by YouTube clips of hilarious cats to concentrate on your writing?

Marjie Myers:  I actually refuse to watch YouTube clips of hilarious cats, when I say refuse, I mean I am not allowed. I have a kitten called Muse and she won’t let me. Apparently, she is the most hilarious cat in the mewniverse and I would only be disappointed watching others.


Addman:  When is the movie adaptation coming out?

Marjie Myers:  I wish!

Funnily enough or not, an earlier version of 12 days was a series on my blog which was posted over 12 days, and at the end I discussed with my readers who we would cast in the role of Ryan and Sarah if it was a movie. We all agreed it would be a great movie but couldn’t decide on Sarah. Ryan however has already been cast and will be played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt…whether he likes it or not! My first choice was James Franco but I was out voted.

The horror version…would require a lot of thought…and a great actress.


Addman:  How are you planning to celebrate the 7th Wednesday after Pentecost?

Marjie Myers:  Ok, well…probably the way I spend every 7th Wednesday after Pentecost…wondering if it is actually the 7th Wednesday after Pentecost or if that was last week or if its next week and then googling Pentecost.


Addman:  Now that you're a published author, are you ever going to stop?

Marjie Myers:  I hear cries of ‘Please stop!’ a lot...but I don’t know…this is my first published anything and maybe after this experience I will…but then again…I have a second book in the Rob Mason detective series waiting to be written and I am currently blogging a comedy mystery adventure story called Girls Best Friend which I would actually like to see in print…and then there is the sci-fi tale about a land called Isletunna and the historical saga one about…..



If this hasn't convinced you to buy the book, then Marjie is happy to give every reader a signing of her ebook with every purchase (she'll come to your house and write her name on your monitor/kindle).  Although I haven't confirmed that with her, I've now promised it and she is obligated to do so.  It's available on Amazon and is dirt cheap, which is no indication on it's quality.  Simply click on this link below to buy it.


   

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On another note, if you've missed having a regular post here today, I have collaborated with Chiz over at Chiz Chat to make fun of some horribly dressed animals.  It may satisfy and titillate you in equal measure.  Go and read it, if you're into that sort of thing.

Mother's Day

The day is almost upon us where we pay homage to the ones who birthed us.  As children, we cause nothing but pain and regret for our mothers during our formative years through teething, detentions, and tantrums.  As adults, very little changes in that respect.  Although, when we reach that state of self awareness known as maturity, it is nice to show that you appreciate the feminine half of your parentage by celebrating Mother’s Day.

This year, rather than just getting a few petrol station flowers and a card, perhaps you should think about getting a really worthwhile present.  Why not go out of your way this time and get something thoughtful, something meaningful, or something unexpected?  I’ve decided to list a few ideas, so feel free to use them.  No need to thank me.  Your satisfied postal cheques are thanks enough.

A typical, hard working mother

A String Of Garlic

When you tell your Mum that you’ve bought her some cloaves this year, there’s no chance that she’ll be disappointed or mislead.  You could always get her a Cloaves Voucher from your local supermarket, allowing her to purchase as much garlic as she could possibly imagine.

Two Bags Of Self Raising Flour

Because one bag would be far too frugal.  Your mother will appreciate being bought flours on Mother’s Day, because nothing says that you appreciate the way in which you were “raised” than some formative baking products.

A Smoked Cat

This delicacy is very simple to prepare.  Simply find a cat (preferably a neighbourhood one that no one likes), skin it, then slowly chargrill it for 24 hours until it is as black as Mitt Romney’s heart.  Once done, wring out any excess juices and bottle them.  Smells good huh?  Give your mother the bottle and watch her sample the delicious aromas of the purr fumes.

A Stripper

Don’t make the mistake of getting a male stripper, because quite frankly, no one likes to see a man in the nude.  Your mother is sure to enjoy a little bit of Candy. (P.S. always check the name of your stripper before purchase.  This pun doesn’t work if your stripper is named Chantelle or something)

50 Shades Of Gray

Because I’m sure everyone will be as pleased as punch to see their mother reading this book.  Then again, if you’ve already taken the previous idea and ordered her a stripper named Candy, this probably won’t disturb you in the slightest.

Now that we’re all a little bit wiser in the ways of mothers, I hope that you all get her something she truly deserves.  If you have any other ideas on what mothers want, please feel free to comment and make suggestions below.  In fact, I implore you to.  Not because I need ideas or anything.

Classic Intercourse

Sex!  Sexy sex!  Sexual sextasy sex!  Now that I've got your attention, I'd like to talk to you about sex.

As humans, we love a bit of sex every so often.  This fact was scientifically proven by the sales figures of 50 Shades Of Grey, which was now sold more print copies than The Very Hungry Caterpillar (a rather depressing fact, I know).  Before this "50 Shades" book was written, women were physically and mentally incapable of having a wank.  Now, in this post-ladysex reality we are currently inhabiting, women simply refuse to stop strumming themselves stupid over the erotic thoughts of millionaire men who dupe them into signing rape contracts.  Or at least, that's what I've gathered from the media.  I've also gathered that these books are very badly written.

As you can tell, I've not read 50 Shades Of Grey, or any of the trilogy.  I can't comment on their content very much.  As an outsider, I find it difficult to imagine how the concept of legalised rape can take up to three novels to fully explore, but I guess I'm not the target audience.  It appears that there is an audience for this type of thing though, as the novels have single-handedly proven that there's a real market out there that not even Mills & Boon managed to satisfy.

However, I have come across an astonishing new trend.  Publishers are intending to rewrite classic novels in a more sexual format.  In the wake of this tidal wave of literotica, the bandwagon has formally rolled into town, stopping just long enough for publishers to shove a bunch of classics onto it.  The funniest part of that article is that Sherlock Holmes is being rewritten to include a homosexual romance with Dr Watson.

Here's where the trouble started

Of course, many purists are outraged that such classic literature is being desecrated by what is essentially bad fan fiction.  Their criticisms are well founded, as fan fiction is always 90% awful and 10% confusing.  The surprising thing about fan fiction is that it can spring up around any type of media.  For example, who on Earth would write fan fiction for the poorly received video game, Kane and Lynch?  I won't link you to it, but I assure you, it exists.  Even more surprising is that this type of fan fiction is about to hit the mainstream, and will be available in print.

But this got me thinking (I know, it's a rare occurrence).  Perhaps these stuffy old novels really do need to be sexed up a bit.  I've come up with a few ideas of my own, so publishers, if you're reading, I'm available and willing to write any of  these "mummy porn" novels for a modest fee:


Catch-Syphilis


Follows the struggles of pilots during World War 2 and their attempts to escape the pitfalls of an excessive, contradictory bureaucracy and numerous examples of STIs.


Nineteen Eighty-Whore


A young woman travels the dystopia of Eurasia whilst engaging in constant erotic liasons under the watchful eye of "Big Brother".


Of Pubic Lice And Men


The story of a man taking sexual advantage of his mentally disabled friend across the farmlands of depression-era California.  Includes many references to "petting soft things" and gloves "full of vaseline".


To Thrill A Mockingbird

A moving account of race relations in America, and how to sexually satisfy avian wildlife.


Lady Chatterley's Growler


Exactly the same as the original.

Anyway, why should I have all the fun?  I'll open the floor to you, dear readers.  What sexy classics would you to see?

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As a bonus this Friday, I'd like to present another spam exchange.  I received an email from a Rachel Grey (50 Shades Of...hahaha!), and I had absolutely no idea what it was about:

Hi,                        

I'll take this opportunity to introduce myself, my name is Rachel Grey,very nice to meet you. I work as a SEO manager for Optimized SEO.

I'm making a research for one of my partners and while doing soI noticed muppetsforjustice.blogspot.com and I have few interesting suggestions for youand I would like to tell you more about them.

If you are interested I will be happy to send the additional informationand all the SEO details needed.

Thanks alot,

Rachel Grey

See?  What the hell does that mean?

Hi Rachel Grey,

I too am always making research.  The other week, I made an astounding research in the toilet.  I had to invite my neighbours over to look at it, it was such a research.

I hope you don't think I'm stupid, but what is an SEO?  I think I saw something about that on the Internet once.  Doesn't it stand for Sexy Erogenous Orgasm?  If so, I'd be very interested in more information, especially in Optimised SEOs.  Perhaps we could do a research on it?

Thanks

This is is her response:

wow.you are right ...you have won 1 million dollars for your sense of stupidity :D..gaga

Ouch.  Not cool Rachel, not cool at all...

Book Review - Sunday Supplement

Greetings. I come to you today as I sit in my fine leather chair in the drawing room, puffing on a pipe in my smoking jacket and slippers, eagerly awaiting the arrival of the latest book for me to review. That’s right, I bet you never had me down as a literacy critic did you? I’ll have you know that I have given a professional critique of some of our most acclaimed classics, including Where’s Wally (‘a contemporary masterpiece of minimalist charm’) and The Very Hungry Caterpillar (‘a rip roaring ride in which a ravenous insect devours all in his path’).

Any moment now, I will hear the soft pat of my latest arrival hitting the hessian welcome mat, covered by The Sunday Times. I have been an avid reader of their Sunday supplement for many a moon now. I appreciate the numerous branches of narrative which stray into celebrity culture, a synopsis on the week’s television schedules, and how to avoid cankles. To collate this into one unique and intriguing package is utterly sublime, and I hope that this week’s instalment manages to wrap up the story arc involving Michael Parkinson’s life insurance.

Do you need a life first before you take out life insurance?

It’s here! After throwing away the actual newspaper (who wants to read about bikini models giving away free money in the local park?), I am greeted by a glossy article of wonder. They say the first mistake of being a book reviewer is to judge a book by its cover, but I reckon I’m in for a treat today!

The inside cover has a note from the editor, which is rather sweet. If only more authors took the time to acknowledge their fans. Then a contents table helpfully guides you through the meat and bones of the novel. I wish Lord Of The Rings had something like this so I could have skipped all those damn descriptions about travelling and gotten to the bit where that bald mental kid falls into a volcano (oops, spoiler alert).

On page 4 is a pull out supplement on Ian Beale’s relationships. For those not in the know, Ian Beale is a character on one of those gaudy, depressing prole-pits called soap operas. This is handy if you find Eastenders so confusing that you need a pictorial diagram in order to follow the current plot. Then, there’s a roundup of the latest reality TV, with many wonderful pictures of chiselled presenter, Phillip Schofield. His contributions to television are nothing short of fucking awful. Sorry no, what’s the word? Legendary.

Then there’s an article about love and relationships, where readers write in (oddly enough, in an identical style and form to each other) to discuss all the sexy sex they’ve been having. This is where things get a bit blue. Apparently, Clive in Berkshire is knocking off his girlfriend’s dog, but the dog doesn’t even know its happening! He wants to know whether he should buy the dog a valentine’s gift or not. Oh-ho Clive, you filthy beggar, you! After that, there’s a woman who has had a bad vajazzle, making her beef curtains taste like oxtail soup. The agony uncle reckons they should kill themselves, then each other.

On the next page, awww it’s a lovely picture of a porcelain dog! Apparently, the dog was engraved especially for Princess Diana’s birthday, and can be mine for nothing apart from 24 monthly payments of £17.99, plus postage, plus labour, plus tax, plus dog handling charges, plus sky plus subscription. Where’s the scissors? I need to cut this bad boy out right now!

I gotta have that bitch!

Right, now let’s get on with the rest of the review. Next we arrive at the fashion pages. No mention of those cankles promised from last week (which I why I won’t be awarding this week’s edition 5 stars), but there are some handy hints for dressing to your body shape. I tend to spend most of my time in a smoking jacket and thick gardening trousers, but apparently I should be wearing a slim, A line dress with horizontal stripes if I’m an apple shape. Court shoes are so out this season, so I’ll need to skin a cougar and make it into trendy boots. I’ll also need to grease my thighs with bacon juice for that “celebrity shimmer” when I’m going out with the girls. I wonder what my wife’s sisters, Marlene and Doris will think of my new look? I tell you, you don’t get useful advice like this from reading Dickens!

Then there are the TV listings. A brief synopsis of each programme is elegantly written giving you the facts, and leaving plenty to your imagination. My mind soars over the possibilities left to chance when I read that on Tuesday there’s a mysteriously intriguing programme named “Coppers”. What could it be about? Perhaps it’s about the fall of the Mayan empire. Maybe it is an insightful documentary on molecular physics. Who knows?

The back cover is another postal order for a commemorative plate for the Queen’s jubilee this year. I reckon that this week’s supplement is more than worthy of four star status, and I heartily recommend it to anyone who enjoys cutting out and sending off for things in the post. Now where did I put those bastard scissors?