Mother's Day

The day is almost upon us where we pay homage to the ones who birthed us.  As children, we cause nothing but pain and regret for our mothers during our formative years through teething, detentions, and tantrums.  As adults, very little changes in that respect.  Although, when we reach that state of self awareness known as maturity, it is nice to show that you appreciate the feminine half of your parentage by celebrating Mother’s Day.

This year, rather than just getting a few petrol station flowers and a card, perhaps you should think about getting a really worthwhile present.  Why not go out of your way this time and get something thoughtful, something meaningful, or something unexpected?  I’ve decided to list a few ideas, so feel free to use them.  No need to thank me.  Your satisfied postal cheques are thanks enough.

A typical, hard working mother

A String Of Garlic

When you tell your Mum that you’ve bought her some cloaves this year, there’s no chance that she’ll be disappointed or mislead.  You could always get her a Cloaves Voucher from your local supermarket, allowing her to purchase as much garlic as she could possibly imagine.

Two Bags Of Self Raising Flour

Because one bag would be far too frugal.  Your mother will appreciate being bought flours on Mother’s Day, because nothing says that you appreciate the way in which you were “raised” than some formative baking products.

A Smoked Cat

This delicacy is very simple to prepare.  Simply find a cat (preferably a neighbourhood one that no one likes), skin it, then slowly chargrill it for 24 hours until it is as black as Mitt Romney’s heart.  Once done, wring out any excess juices and bottle them.  Smells good huh?  Give your mother the bottle and watch her sample the delicious aromas of the purr fumes.

A Stripper

Don’t make the mistake of getting a male stripper, because quite frankly, no one likes to see a man in the nude.  Your mother is sure to enjoy a little bit of Candy. (P.S. always check the name of your stripper before purchase.  This pun doesn’t work if your stripper is named Chantelle or something)

50 Shades Of Gray

Because I’m sure everyone will be as pleased as punch to see their mother reading this book.  Then again, if you’ve already taken the previous idea and ordered her a stripper named Candy, this probably won’t disturb you in the slightest.

Now that we’re all a little bit wiser in the ways of mothers, I hope that you all get her something she truly deserves.  If you have any other ideas on what mothers want, please feel free to comment and make suggestions below.  In fact, I implore you to.  Not because I need ideas or anything.

Holiday!

I'm not at my desk at the moment.  In fact, I'm not even in my home country at the moment.  Right now I'm probably trying to pose near the Disney castle, pretending that I'm leaning on the building when I am in fact several hundred metres in front of it.  Yes, I have gone to Florida for a holiday.

I know that many of you will be disappointed/elated that I'm not around.  Many of you are probably already crying/popping open the champagne at the thought of no Muppets For Justice posts for the next couple of weeks.  But fear not!  I have prepared a rather substantial short story to keep you entertained in my absence.  Also, I understand the contradiction in the term "substantial short story", so don't bother pointing that out.

Starting from Monday, I am pleased to announce my new mini-novella type thing, Suicide and Cheese.  The title may suck, but I hope the content doesn't.  I also hope that it keeps you entertained until I return.

Thanks to everyone who has stuck with me so far and has continued to read this Blog.  Muppets For Justice is twice as much fun to write for when you know there is a supportive audience out there, and the comments are often funnier than the actual posts.  Please enjoy, and I'll catch you on the flip side, as I believe those trendy youngsters say these days.

-Addman

Balotelli's Bonfire Safety Tips

Hey peeps, Mario Balotelli here.  You probably know me from the sound 6-1 thrashing we gave United recently, but I'm here to talk to you about something less important.  I'm here to talk about firework safety.

Remember, remember, the 5th of November.  Exactly why we celebrate bonfire night, I seem to have forgotten, but regardless, fireworks are a silent killer.  I should know, my house was recently burnt to cinders because a friend of mine set a roman candle off in my bathroom.  This is why I've been chosen for the campaign; I know first hand how devastating they can be.  My novelty spiderman mugs were all melted in the incident.

Me on the campaign trail

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Why should we trust this talented, wealthy, charming man?", and it's a good question, one which should probably be asked more frequently.  The fact is, I have been taught by the world's leading professionals (the fire fighters who arrived at my house) on how not to scold your hands off, or how bottle rockets should be launched out of your ear as a dare.

Firstly, let's talk about sparklers.  Sparklers are all pretty and magical, but don't let them distract you for one second with their glimmering charms or else, blip, you're dog meat.  These particular fireworks can burn at around 1000° C.  In other words, don't touch the sparkler, no matter how tempting, and certainly do not use your tongue to put it out.  To get an idea of what that would feel like, warm a Hot Pocket up in the microwave for five minutes longer than is recommended, then rest it on your face.  You could end up looking like a burns victim because of this, probably because you would be a burns victim.

Then we move onto everyone's favourite, the Whoosh-Bangs (Editors note:  He means rockets).  Most people prefer to set these off outdoors, but there are many dangers associated with this.  Firstly, the wind may blow out the fuse, which is annoying.  Secondly, one of my friends set one off and it fell over and launched right at him, went up his arse as he was walking away, and carried him over the neighbour's fence.  He landed in the fishpond, so he was OK, but he was very wet and upset.  Unless you want this to happen to you, I'd suggest taking them indoors and launching them out of your chimney instead.  Before you do, make sure that your chimney isn't blocked off.  That panic when they come back down and fly around the room is worse than playing away at Fulham.

Next, there are some important hints to remember when setting off a catherine wheel.  As with the rocket, outdoor conditions such as wind and rain may make these inoperable, so I'd suggest taking them into your living room.  This works even better if your living room is furnished with soft, thick carpets and billowing curtains, as it helps to insulate the room and keep draughts out.  Turn the lights off for the full effect, then stand well back, or sit on your sheepskin sofa and appreciate the beautiful sparks and all-engulfing flames.

Wouldn't this look so much better in the comfort of your own home?

Lastly, please don't let your children use firecrackers.  I've noticed many British kids walking around throwing these miniature fireworks at each other as a kind of game.  The problem is that they have a really bad aim and keep hitting the floor.  Adults, take ownership of the firecrackers and show those little monsters how it's done with a direct hit between the eyes.  Don't worry, firecrackers don't hurt.  They were invented solely to startle muggers, so are perfectly safe and legal to operate.

I hope that this has been an illuminating experience for you, and that it has made firework safety pop into your head for the first time.  Showing your patriotism by blowing up a piece of your country in honour of a terrorist is what makes this country great, and why I love it here.  Also, if you do accidentally burn your house down, just buy a new one, like me.  There's plenty of rural estate just going to waste out there.

Stay safe.

Real Halloween Horrors

The other night I went to a Shaun Of The Dead Halloween party.  What struck me the most is how unimaginative some people can be with their costumes.  The party consisted of the following:

4x Sexy Zombie Nurses
3x Sexy Zombie Schoolgirls
4x Women with blood on a white top
1x Woman in black
1x Sexy Zombie School Nurse

Alright, they were just the women's costumes, but the men had some pretty lazy ideas too.  I went as the titular Shaun, as did three other blokes, and I didn't even make my own costume.  Technically, that should disqualify me from making snap judgements about other people.  But if there's one thing you should know about me, it's that I'm a massive hypocrite.  So, I've decided to collect the worst Halloween costumes from across the Internet, and mercilessly mock them here for your amusement.  Here are the 15 absolute worst costumes I could find:


15.  Fred Flintstone

Yabba Dabba Don't.  It's not the costume itself that's the worst part, it's those weird fake feet he's wearing.  Why on Earth would you need fake feet, unless you're starring as a Hobbit in a Peter Jackson epic?  Unless of course, he doesn't actually have any feet, in which case I feel bad now...  Next!

14.  Fart-O-Meter

This guy is definitely not the kind of guy you want at a party.  "What's that?  Oh, you've detected that I've done a fart?  How clever!  No, stop doing it now.  No, seriously, that's getting annoying.  Haven't you got any other jokes?  Right, get out!  Now!"

He may look like Ghostbuster who's been assigned more menial duties, but you can rest assured that a guy who wears this is about as funny as a hole in the foot.  Isn't that right, Fred Flintstone guy?  Now I feel bad again...

13.  The Bomb

This is the female equivalent of the Fart-O-Meter.  Surely The Bomb didn't sell very well, because it exploits the one thing that women fear the most; the prospect of having a fat arse.  Great idea!  Next year, the makers are planning a costume with cankles.

12.  Adam And Eve

Couples costumes always smack of schmaltzy shitness, but creepy off-colour nudist costumes take it to a whole new level.  You can almost imagine these two wearing these costumes to bed, ripping at those fig leaves in a moment of lust to reveal a soft lump of smooth nothing where their gentials should be.  It'd be like trying to get off with an action man toy.

11.  Monkey

This is just bewildering.  The weirdest thing about it is, I can imagine Dappy from NDubz wearing this as pyjamas.  If you want to dress up as a monkey, there are hundreds of monkey masks and costumes out there that don't look like they've been knitted by a grandma suffering from insomnia-induced halucinations.  Why does the hat have a face on it?  It looks like he either has two faces (one of which has been used for excessive animal testing), or that he has skinned a gibbon alive and decided to wear it. Either way, I suppose it's suitable for Halloween.

10.  Devil Girl

Satan wouldn't let his wife leave the house.  Hell, I don't think Hugh Heffner would let his wife leave the house like this.  In latin, this would be known as "Sluttimus Maximus", and herein we stumble upon the problem with many women's fancy dress costumes.  You either have to have the body of a supermodel, or make something yourself.

I don't understand those trouser things though.  Are they meant to be baggy stockings?  Perhaps gangster suspenders?  This is an ideal outfit for the woman who wants to expose everything, but can't be bothered to shave her legs.

9.  Fish

How do you walk in that?  You don't, you swim!  Ha ha-bloody-ha!  This isn't the plaice for fish puns.  If you don't like fish jokes, you'd better sit this one trout.  Have you haddock enough yet?

Fuck that.  The only time I'd want to see someone turn up in a costume like this is on a fishing trawler where a fisherman kills him stone dead with a shovel, then throws him with the rest of the catch.

8.  Breathaliser Test

Yet another one dimensional joke costume where the novelty wears off before you've even put it on.  The costume invites onlookers to "blow here", a suspicious looking nozzle near the assailant's groin.  And that's why sexual harassment cases were invented!

What I don't understand is why a teenage Alan Partridge is wearing this costume.  Oh and, if you want people to pay attention to you at parties, try engaging them in interesting conversation, rather than standing in the corner, pointing at yourself in your "hilarious" costume.

7.  Nuts And Bolts

This has all the hallmarks of a terrible outfit.  Costume for couples?  Checks.  Innuendo?  Check.  Poorly constructed?  Check.  Will people punch us on sight?  Check.

It's sad to see that mid 90's European pop groups have to resort to advertising stuff like this.  I'd happily support a Steps reunion if it helped them get out modelling hideous costumes like this.  What?  Steps have reformed?  I take it all back!

6.  Leather Doctor

The doctor will see to you now.  It wouldn't surprise me if he turned around to reveal his bare buttocks cut out of those leather chaps.

This outfit is so utterly wrong that it almost seems worth the purchase, just so you know that you own the worst thing in existence, and nothing can ever sink lower.  Actually, we still have another five costumes to go.  Perhaps you should buy those as well.

 5.  German Mobile

And now a costume from Germany!  Oh god, why does it have to be skintight!?  Mobile phone cases don't tightly hug the electronics inside, so I don't see why this has to be so clingy.  If I saw this, I'd be tempted to punch in the number of the emergency services, with a clenched fist.

Interestingly, the Germans apparently call their mobile phone "Mein Handy".  That somehow seems appropriate for this fellow.

 4.  One Night Stand

I didn't understand this costume until I saw the title.  At first I thought it was a shit costume of a bedside table and I was going to include it quite low down on the list anyway.  When I realised what this was meant to be, it was quickly elevated to "So Awful You'll Attempt To Invent Faster-Than-Light Travel Just To Get Away From It" status.

Loving the socks though.  Any right-minded woman is going to be driven wild by those bad boys.

 3.  The Shocker

Here's a shocker for you, you're not funny or interesting!  Next year's costume idea; a teabag!

2. Spongebob Sexy-Pants

I'm not sure if that's the real title of this costume, but that's the general vibe I'm getting.  A decent spongebob costume would involve, I don't know, slightly resembling spongebob in any way?  Perhaps it could at least be square?  Of course, this way you can be spongebob and cause men to instantly spout collosal erections over you, which is 100% guarenteed to happen in this!  Honest!

Again, we reach the echelons of "slutty for the sake of sluttyness" in female costumes.  And seriously, why does every "sexy" costume need knee high socks?  Maybe I'm in the minority, but socks are about as sexy as the prospect of drinking Ron Jeremy's used bathwater.  Please desist.

 1.  Stewie

Unlike the leather doctor, this one does actually expose your arse cheeks at the back.  Great news, especially when you want to dress up as a cartoon baby!








After those monstrosities, all I can say is, thank god it only comes once a year.  In fact, if you're wearing those costumes whilst hoping to get a date, you'll probably come less than once a year.  Have a great Halloween everyone!