Remember, remember, the 5th of November. Exactly why we celebrate bonfire night, I seem to have forgotten, but regardless, fireworks are a silent killer. I should know, my house was recently burnt to cinders because a friend of mine set a roman candle off in my bathroom. This is why I've been chosen for the campaign; I know first hand how devastating they can be. My novelty spiderman mugs were all melted in the incident.
|Me on the campaign trail|
Now, I know what you're thinking: "Why should we trust this talented, wealthy, charming man?", and it's a good question, one which should probably be asked more frequently. The fact is, I have been taught by the world's leading professionals (the fire fighters who arrived at my house) on how not to scold your hands off, or how bottle rockets should be launched out of your ear as a dare.
Firstly, let's talk about sparklers. Sparklers are all pretty and magical, but don't let them distract you for one second with their glimmering charms or else, blip, you're dog meat. These particular fireworks can burn at around 1000° C. In other words, don't touch the sparkler, no matter how tempting, and certainly do not use your tongue to put it out. To get an idea of what that would feel like, warm a Hot Pocket up in the microwave for five minutes longer than is recommended, then rest it on your face. You could end up looking like a burns victim because of this, probably because you would be a burns victim.
Then we move onto everyone's favourite, the Whoosh-Bangs (Editors note: He means rockets). Most people prefer to set these off outdoors, but there are many dangers associated with this. Firstly, the wind may blow out the fuse, which is annoying. Secondly, one of my friends set one off and it fell over and launched right at him, went up his arse as he was walking away, and carried him over the neighbour's fence. He landed in the fishpond, so he was OK, but he was very wet and upset. Unless you want this to happen to you, I'd suggest taking them indoors and launching them out of your chimney instead. Before you do, make sure that your chimney isn't blocked off. That panic when they come back down and fly around the room is worse than playing away at Fulham.
Next, there are some important hints to remember when setting off a catherine wheel. As with the rocket, outdoor conditions such as wind and rain may make these inoperable, so I'd suggest taking them into your living room. This works even better if your living room is furnished with soft, thick carpets and billowing curtains, as it helps to insulate the room and keep draughts out. Turn the lights off for the full effect, then stand well back, or sit on your sheepskin sofa and appreciate the beautiful sparks and all-engulfing flames.
|Wouldn't this look so much better in the comfort of your own home?|
Lastly, please don't let your children use firecrackers. I've noticed many British kids walking around throwing these miniature fireworks at each other as a kind of game. The problem is that they have a really bad aim and keep hitting the floor. Adults, take ownership of the firecrackers and show those little monsters how it's done with a direct hit between the eyes. Don't worry, firecrackers don't hurt. They were invented solely to startle muggers, so are perfectly safe and legal to operate.
I hope that this has been an illuminating experience for you, and that it has made firework safety pop into your head for the first time. Showing your patriotism by blowing up a piece of your country in honour of a terrorist is what makes this country great, and why I love it here. Also, if you do accidentally burn your house down, just buy a new one, like me. There's plenty of rural estate just going to waste out there.