Friday, 18 November 2011

An Urgent Appeal

You may be used to this blog being a life-a-minute rollercoaster ride of orgasmic proportions, but I have a much more solemn topic to address today.  I would like to bring to your attention the plight of one of the Earth's rarest and most beautiful creatures.  Now I know you're thinking "But Addman, since when did you care about the environment? Aren't you solely responsible for melting a large chunk of the Northern Glaciers?" but I have turned a new corner, and I am offering refuge to a certain type of mistreated animal. I am of course referring to the Bobbing Bird.

Bobbing Birds have been living domesticated alongside us for many years now, but I was dismayed at the scandalous conditions in which many owners keep their pets. This type of mistreatment has gone on for much too long, and I plan to wrong this right (or right this wrong, I get confused with turns of phrase) by opening my very own Bobbing Bird Sanctuary. But in order to do that, we at Muppets For Justice need your donations.

Increasingly, these birds are being illegally sold into the rare trade market, to owners who merely want them as a status symbol. Bobbing Birds are a rare species, and as such, highly sought after in these materialistic times by collectors. We checked on eBay, and found thousands of birds for sale, which proves the staggering scale of this barbaric poaching operation.

This is Bobby. Bobby was found balanced precariously on a rickety bookshelf, bobbing away to ease the pain. He was forced to drink stale water from a stained cup continuously by his twisted owners. His feet were covered in dust and had obviously been left to his own devices for months by a callous carer. With your donations, we can raise the money we need to keep their drinking water fresh, and their glasses clean.


This is Mona and her daughter Lisa, mother and daughter, who were found crammed into a small drawer along with broken electronic goods and other waste. They'd been left there like some sort of disposable consumer good, or an unwanted birthday gift from a mad old Auntie who regularly wees herself. Mona and Lisa had been so used to not having enough room to bob their heads that they have virtually forgotten how to do so. With your help, we can pay our team of animal experts (with PHDs in Birdology and Bobistics) to give them the physiotherapy they need to bob their heads once again, like nature intended.

This is Darrell being reintroduced to fresh water once more. His previous owners left him on top of a toilet and treated him as though he were a toy! Darrell is well into our recovery program and is nearly ready to be put up for adoption. If you wish to adopt a Bobbing Bird such as Darrell, please leave your contact numbers as comments in this blog, and we'll send you a brochure of the work we do, along with the forms you need to help us save them from their torturous owners. Darrell needs the love and attention of someone who truly cares for him. Could you be that person?

As you can tell, this is obviously serious work that requires a lot of funding. Funding which we severely lack, and we can only do so much for these little miracles of nature on pure love alone. We need your donations. For only £10 per month, you will receive a care pack every month with information on our operation, a special note from your selected bird, and a pamphlet detailing what you can do to save the Bobbing Bird population.

Thank you, and remember, a bird bobs for life, not just for your entertainment.


  1. We live in a world where the term hero is used far too often, but you sir, YOU are a true HERO for taking on this cause.
    If the Bumferry Hogart Charitable Fund wasn't currently being inspected for illegal punctuation manufacting I would send you all the money i'd raised.
    I do have an old Our Price voucher you can have but you'll have to pick them up yourself.

  2. I didn't know. I was so saddened by the plight of these lovely animals that I puked up my rhino steak all over my genuine panda loafers. The horror. The horror.

  3. Another worthy cause - would love to contribute but I'm financially strapped with the "Save a Mullet" campaign.


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