Friday, 2 December 2011

Movember Aftermath: Get A Shave, Dirty Boy

So how was Movember for you? Have you enjoyed having pieces of your breakfast stuck in your filthy facial hair for days on end? Are you looking forward to spending a fortune on shaving products yet again?

I’d love to speculate further, but unfortunately for everyone I decided not to participate this year. This is mainly due to the fact that my own facial hair only grows in odd little clumps, which makes me look as if I’ve been genetically spliced with a sheet of aging Velcro. However, I also didn’t want people to look me in the eye and automatically associate my face with testicular cancer. Call me vain, but I never pictured myself as a hairy poster child for knob rot.
Regardless, I hope that those of you who chose to grow a funky moustache have managed to enlighten many other men into thinking about their balls. I’m not sure how many men weren’t already thinking about their balls, and out of those, how many of those men were not aware of testicular cancer. I’d imagine the number is very small, comprising of only an elderly hermit who has retreated to a monastery in Bulgaria, and a lobotomised Yorkshire Terrier named “Thicko McStupidson”.

The Selleck celebrates Movember all year round.

At the risk of seeming like an uncharitable sadsack, Movember has managed to get on my nerves this year. Although I agree with the cause and I understand that this type of cancer is a massive issue which kills many men due to their own embarrassment, I just don’t see how sideburns and a bitchin’ handlebar are going to eradicate this deadly disease. Some people were collecting for cancer research and other charities, and I can get on board with that. As it is, I've heard a lot of people say that they are "raising awareness".  When I asked them if they were also raising money, I was met with a few blank stares.

I wonder if these men actually believe that they are fighting cancer simply by destroying the profit margins of Wilkinson Sword. Maybe it’s a badge of honour which shows how committed you are to killing tumours; the longer the beard, the more cancerous cells you have personally eradicated. At this rate, Brian Blessed may be drafted in to bellow loudly at chemo patients.

Interestingly enough, as I was researching Movember I found out that it coincides with International Men’s Day on the 19th of November. Why did no one mention this before? It’s like Father’s Day for those of us without kids! Next year, I’m writing a list of presents I want for International Man’s Day. I think that, in a similar way to how children send Christmas lists to Santa, men should send their lists to a central person who can make sure that everyone gets what they want. Who should that person be? It has to be someone who is admired universally by the male gender, but probably shouldn’t be a lingerie model as many men may stay up way past their bedtime in giddy anticipation. It should be a man who inspires and is a good role model for our gender. The only person I can think of is Santa, but his union informs me that he refuses to take on additional work. Who do you think would be best suited to the job?


  1. I think a good representative would be Dos Equis' Most Interesting Man in the World

    Dude is covered in hair, is freaking awesome, and totally knows about balls.

    Or Chuck Norris.

  2. For Movember, I grew a sweet Fu Manchu on my naughty bits, to raise awareness of philtral dimple cancer. I didn't raise a thing.

    (That's what she said)

  3. This made me laugh! You write well.

  4. I think Bobby Ball would be the perfect candidate. Firstly he has facial hair, and secondly his name is BALL... as in testical! See the amazing connection I made there?

  5. I think Bobby Ball would be the perfect candidate. Firstly he has facial hair, and secondly his name is BALL... as in testical! See the amazing connection I made there?

  6. @Knight - What an interesting man! There was me thinking my thatched roof story was about as interesting as it gets...

    @Flip - I bet it raised a few smiles :)

    @Madeline - Thanks. Can I have some money?

    @Meeshka - By that logic, surely Cinderella's visit to the ball is a euphemism for a severe teabagging incident!


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