Friday, 16 December 2011

Christmas Number 1: Soldier WAGs

After years of Simon Cowell’s X Factor minions dominating the music charts around the festive season, 2011 finally looks like the year that will break the mould (excluding 2009 when people went out and bought Rage Against The Machine in protest).

But who is likely to cause this buck in trend? Is it going to be another rebellious song in the form of Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit? Perhaps Matt Berry’s crowd sourced charity single? Or maybe grannies nationwide are flocking to buy Cliff Richard’s song? In fact, does he even have a song this year? Stupid question, he has one every year.

The huanting face of Christmas present

The answer to all of these is “No”, followed by “You stupid titbox”, and a slap to the back of the head. The correct answer of course, is a choir made up of soldier WAGs.

Otherwise known as “The Military Wives Choir”, these army-marrying ladies have released a single called “Wherever You Are” which contains lines from poems and letters to their Afghanistan-bound hubbies and men folk. Awww. What a lovely sentiment. Although, it strikes me that they could have just sent some letters and poems through the post instead. Topping the music charts doesn’t seem like the most cost effective way of communicating with a loved one in another country. Plus, it means that everyone else has to listen to their dreadful singing.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, I don’t dislike charity. I actually work for one myself (admittedly for money), so it would be rather hypocritical of me to denounce charitable giving, especially during the festive season. But what happened to putting money in a donation box, or stealing someone’s credit card and pledging money to Comic Relief with it? Why is it that people only put their hand in their pocket for some contrived sentimental bullshit from a bunch of talentless people with a sob story? I believe a cut of the profits from this sickly sweet sentiment is to go towards the British Legion and institutions such as this.

If you love soldiers so much, why don't you marry them?!

Is the idea to make us feel sorry for these women? Naturally, soldiers do a difficult job and their other halves are going to miss them during Christmas. But the thing you have to remember is that these soldiers do the job VOLUNTARILY. They’ve not been conscripted; they’ve chosen to run around the desert shooting at people for Christmas. That’s fine, if that’s what they’re good at, then they can fill their boots, just don’t try and guilt trip me into buying music off the back of it. Frankly, I’d rather buy a hundred CDs of Little Mix’s single and pin them to a jumpsuit.

When the winner is finally announced, it’ll probably be Little Mix rather than the Military Wives Choir anyway, simply because of the viewing audiences. The Military Wives choir was formed by conductor for hire, Gareth Malone for the BBC reality show, The Choir. Despite its growing popularity, the show only pulled in around 3 million viewers as opposed to X Factor’s 10 million (the kind of figures that make you want to kill everyone, starting with yourself).

Whatever happens this Christmas, I implore you not to buy any music. The vast majority of it is downright atrocious or is a 20 year old grunge classic that you already own. In fact, boycott music altogether, including Christmas jingles. If you hear any jingle bells, rip them off of whatever reindeer they’ve been sewn onto, and eat them in protest. That’ll teach ‘em.


  1. Per your suggestion, I have eaten many a jingle bell. I now have musical bowel movements. Shall I record it? Maybe it will be a holiday classic someday.

  2. Yes! We could release it as "Jingle Bowels".


Leave me a nice comment or die trying.