Real Halloween Horrors 2013

Do you have your costume sorted for Halloween yet?  No doubt you’ve thought about it but, being the disorganised moron that you are, you’ve left it until the last possible moment.  Now, you’re about to rush off and buy the only remaining, overly expensive costume you can lay your procrastinating paws on.  You better get a move on, go on, hurry!

Wait!  Before you go, I need to show you something.  Your pathetic, panicking brain is overflowing with information right now, and you run the risk of making a bad decision through sheer confusion.  Below are several examples of terrible Halloween costumes.  I want you to study these disgusting specimens, learn from their mistakes, and make sure that you never turn out like this.


Union Jack

This is the result of combining Geri Halliwell and Austin Powers in a genetic splicer.  A show of patriotism this strong, whether ironic or not, is quite simply appalling. 

As a resident of the offending landmass, I sincerely apologise to the global community for this costume.  It’s terrible enough to bring to mind all the atrocities that the British Isles have ever committed, and now I feel guilty.

I will now take a moment to start apologising for everything that the UK has ever done.  I’m sorry for hundreds of years’ worth of colonial rule.  I’m sorry for our implicit compliance with international surveillance.  I’m especially sorry for the steep decline of Paul McCartney and the fact that he is still allowed to perform.  In short, I am just sorry.


Big Foot

 

What’s that?  It’s a foot.  It’s big.  It’s a big foot.  Get it?  Get it?!  GET IT?!

Would it be ironic if I kicked this guy in the face?


Human Toilet

 

This is possibly delightful.  Your kids have just been waiting for the opportunity to dress up as a shitter, and now they can, sponsored by Armitage Shanks.

The main problem with this costume is that, when worn at a family Halloween party where certain alcoholic uncles might be drunk, those inebriates might mistake this for a real toilet.  Can you imagine little Jimmy’s face when Uncle Dave curls out a gigantic turd on his head?  That is definitely not worth the risk in my opinion.


Baby/Sexy Baby

 

People in baby costumes always seem creepy to me since I discovered this is a fetish.  Yes, there are people who like to dress as babies, wear nappies, and shit themselves with alarming regularity in the pursuit of sexual fulfilment.  While I’m not saying these two are into the baby fetish scene, I just can’t take them seriously.

Besides, the female costume is especially disconcerting.  Why are they trying to make a sexy baby costume?  I’m sure Operation Yewtree are tracking down anyone who purchased this costume as we speak.


Coors Gladiator

 

I am Maximus Tastius, and I’m here to refresh your tastebuds!  Oh wait, its Coors.  I take that back.


Sexy Oscar The Grouch

 

Everyone loves Oscar The Grouch.  He’s like a world-weary Womble and there is nothing at all sexy about him.  The lack of sexiness that Oscar The Grouch has is one of the most important factors of his Sesame Street stardom.  However, evil costume designers have tried to undo this with a sexy version of everyone’s favourite bin-dweller.  Now, thanks to this horrifyingly horny image, I can’t watch The Street without sporting swollen sweatpants.


Honey Badger

 

So, this costume consists of a black hoodie and a deformed snake, and nothing else.  For reference, the slogan “Honey badger don’t care” is a poor meme from a Youtube video, and that derpy serpent is a reference to the badger’s taste for snakes.  In other words, this is the living embodiment of a meme, which makes it the equivalent of someone screaming “CAN I HAZ CHEEZBURGER?!” into your ear canal.

Also, I have to award even lower marks to the female version, which is just a black dress.


Sexy Walter White

 

Last but by no means least, we have the wonder of a sexy Walter White costume.  All the time I was watching Breaking Bad I kept thinking “I wish Brian Cranston had a hot daughter”, and now my dreams have come true.

This costume is actually quite liberating.  Not for women; no, women should only be sexual counterparts to male characters, if the costume industry is to be believed.  However, this costume does open the doors for all those other sexy male character costumes that just haven’t found a market.  How about a sexy Tony Soprano?  I, for one, am salivating over the possibilities.  With that prospect, I’ll leave you with my final thought:
 
I like my women like I like my meth; coloured blue and sought after by drug barons.  Have a great Halloween everybody!

Real Halloween Horrors

The other night I went to a Shaun Of The Dead Halloween party.  What struck me the most is how unimaginative some people can be with their costumes.  The party consisted of the following:

4x Sexy Zombie Nurses
3x Sexy Zombie Schoolgirls
4x Women with blood on a white top
1x Woman in black
1x Sexy Zombie School Nurse

Alright, they were just the women's costumes, but the men had some pretty lazy ideas too.  I went as the titular Shaun, as did three other blokes, and I didn't even make my own costume.  Technically, that should disqualify me from making snap judgements about other people.  But if there's one thing you should know about me, it's that I'm a massive hypocrite.  So, I've decided to collect the worst Halloween costumes from across the Internet, and mercilessly mock them here for your amusement.  Here are the 15 absolute worst costumes I could find:


15.  Fred Flintstone

Yabba Dabba Don't.  It's not the costume itself that's the worst part, it's those weird fake feet he's wearing.  Why on Earth would you need fake feet, unless you're starring as a Hobbit in a Peter Jackson epic?  Unless of course, he doesn't actually have any feet, in which case I feel bad now...  Next!

14.  Fart-O-Meter

This guy is definitely not the kind of guy you want at a party.  "What's that?  Oh, you've detected that I've done a fart?  How clever!  No, stop doing it now.  No, seriously, that's getting annoying.  Haven't you got any other jokes?  Right, get out!  Now!"

He may look like Ghostbuster who's been assigned more menial duties, but you can rest assured that a guy who wears this is about as funny as a hole in the foot.  Isn't that right, Fred Flintstone guy?  Now I feel bad again...

13.  The Bomb

This is the female equivalent of the Fart-O-Meter.  Surely The Bomb didn't sell very well, because it exploits the one thing that women fear the most; the prospect of having a fat arse.  Great idea!  Next year, the makers are planning a costume with cankles.

12.  Adam And Eve

Couples costumes always smack of schmaltzy shitness, but creepy off-colour nudist costumes take it to a whole new level.  You can almost imagine these two wearing these costumes to bed, ripping at those fig leaves in a moment of lust to reveal a soft lump of smooth nothing where their gentials should be.  It'd be like trying to get off with an action man toy.

11.  Monkey

This is just bewildering.  The weirdest thing about it is, I can imagine Dappy from NDubz wearing this as pyjamas.  If you want to dress up as a monkey, there are hundreds of monkey masks and costumes out there that don't look like they've been knitted by a grandma suffering from insomnia-induced halucinations.  Why does the hat have a face on it?  It looks like he either has two faces (one of which has been used for excessive animal testing), or that he has skinned a gibbon alive and decided to wear it. Either way, I suppose it's suitable for Halloween.

10.  Devil Girl

Satan wouldn't let his wife leave the house.  Hell, I don't think Hugh Heffner would let his wife leave the house like this.  In latin, this would be known as "Sluttimus Maximus", and herein we stumble upon the problem with many women's fancy dress costumes.  You either have to have the body of a supermodel, or make something yourself.

I don't understand those trouser things though.  Are they meant to be baggy stockings?  Perhaps gangster suspenders?  This is an ideal outfit for the woman who wants to expose everything, but can't be bothered to shave her legs.

9.  Fish

How do you walk in that?  You don't, you swim!  Ha ha-bloody-ha!  This isn't the plaice for fish puns.  If you don't like fish jokes, you'd better sit this one trout.  Have you haddock enough yet?

Fuck that.  The only time I'd want to see someone turn up in a costume like this is on a fishing trawler where a fisherman kills him stone dead with a shovel, then throws him with the rest of the catch.

8.  Breathaliser Test

Yet another one dimensional joke costume where the novelty wears off before you've even put it on.  The costume invites onlookers to "blow here", a suspicious looking nozzle near the assailant's groin.  And that's why sexual harassment cases were invented!

What I don't understand is why a teenage Alan Partridge is wearing this costume.  Oh and, if you want people to pay attention to you at parties, try engaging them in interesting conversation, rather than standing in the corner, pointing at yourself in your "hilarious" costume.

7.  Nuts And Bolts

This has all the hallmarks of a terrible outfit.  Costume for couples?  Checks.  Innuendo?  Check.  Poorly constructed?  Check.  Will people punch us on sight?  Check.

It's sad to see that mid 90's European pop groups have to resort to advertising stuff like this.  I'd happily support a Steps reunion if it helped them get out modelling hideous costumes like this.  What?  Steps have reformed?  I take it all back!

6.  Leather Doctor

The doctor will see to you now.  It wouldn't surprise me if he turned around to reveal his bare buttocks cut out of those leather chaps.

This outfit is so utterly wrong that it almost seems worth the purchase, just so you know that you own the worst thing in existence, and nothing can ever sink lower.  Actually, we still have another five costumes to go.  Perhaps you should buy those as well.

 5.  German Mobile

And now a costume from Germany!  Oh god, why does it have to be skintight!?  Mobile phone cases don't tightly hug the electronics inside, so I don't see why this has to be so clingy.  If I saw this, I'd be tempted to punch in the number of the emergency services, with a clenched fist.

Interestingly, the Germans apparently call their mobile phone "Mein Handy".  That somehow seems appropriate for this fellow.

 4.  One Night Stand

I didn't understand this costume until I saw the title.  At first I thought it was a shit costume of a bedside table and I was going to include it quite low down on the list anyway.  When I realised what this was meant to be, it was quickly elevated to "So Awful You'll Attempt To Invent Faster-Than-Light Travel Just To Get Away From It" status.

Loving the socks though.  Any right-minded woman is going to be driven wild by those bad boys.

 3.  The Shocker

Here's a shocker for you, you're not funny or interesting!  Next year's costume idea; a teabag!

2. Spongebob Sexy-Pants

I'm not sure if that's the real title of this costume, but that's the general vibe I'm getting.  A decent spongebob costume would involve, I don't know, slightly resembling spongebob in any way?  Perhaps it could at least be square?  Of course, this way you can be spongebob and cause men to instantly spout collosal erections over you, which is 100% guarenteed to happen in this!  Honest!

Again, we reach the echelons of "slutty for the sake of sluttyness" in female costumes.  And seriously, why does every "sexy" costume need knee high socks?  Maybe I'm in the minority, but socks are about as sexy as the prospect of drinking Ron Jeremy's used bathwater.  Please desist.

 1.  Stewie

Unlike the leather doctor, this one does actually expose your arse cheeks at the back.  Great news, especially when you want to dress up as a cartoon baby!








After those monstrosities, all I can say is, thank god it only comes once a year.  In fact, if you're wearing those costumes whilst hoping to get a date, you'll probably come less than once a year.  Have a great Halloween everyone!