Real Halloween Horrors 2013

Do you have your costume sorted for Halloween yet?  No doubt you’ve thought about it but, being the disorganised moron that you are, you’ve left it until the last possible moment.  Now, you’re about to rush off and buy the only remaining, overly expensive costume you can lay your procrastinating paws on.  You better get a move on, go on, hurry!

Wait!  Before you go, I need to show you something.  Your pathetic, panicking brain is overflowing with information right now, and you run the risk of making a bad decision through sheer confusion.  Below are several examples of terrible Halloween costumes.  I want you to study these disgusting specimens, learn from their mistakes, and make sure that you never turn out like this.


Union Jack

This is the result of combining Geri Halliwell and Austin Powers in a genetic splicer.  A show of patriotism this strong, whether ironic or not, is quite simply appalling. 

As a resident of the offending landmass, I sincerely apologise to the global community for this costume.  It’s terrible enough to bring to mind all the atrocities that the British Isles have ever committed, and now I feel guilty.

I will now take a moment to start apologising for everything that the UK has ever done.  I’m sorry for hundreds of years’ worth of colonial rule.  I’m sorry for our implicit compliance with international surveillance.  I’m especially sorry for the steep decline of Paul McCartney and the fact that he is still allowed to perform.  In short, I am just sorry.


Big Foot

 

What’s that?  It’s a foot.  It’s big.  It’s a big foot.  Get it?  Get it?!  GET IT?!

Would it be ironic if I kicked this guy in the face?


Human Toilet

 

This is possibly delightful.  Your kids have just been waiting for the opportunity to dress up as a shitter, and now they can, sponsored by Armitage Shanks.

The main problem with this costume is that, when worn at a family Halloween party where certain alcoholic uncles might be drunk, those inebriates might mistake this for a real toilet.  Can you imagine little Jimmy’s face when Uncle Dave curls out a gigantic turd on his head?  That is definitely not worth the risk in my opinion.


Baby/Sexy Baby

 

People in baby costumes always seem creepy to me since I discovered this is a fetish.  Yes, there are people who like to dress as babies, wear nappies, and shit themselves with alarming regularity in the pursuit of sexual fulfilment.  While I’m not saying these two are into the baby fetish scene, I just can’t take them seriously.

Besides, the female costume is especially disconcerting.  Why are they trying to make a sexy baby costume?  I’m sure Operation Yewtree are tracking down anyone who purchased this costume as we speak.


Coors Gladiator

 

I am Maximus Tastius, and I’m here to refresh your tastebuds!  Oh wait, its Coors.  I take that back.


Sexy Oscar The Grouch

 

Everyone loves Oscar The Grouch.  He’s like a world-weary Womble and there is nothing at all sexy about him.  The lack of sexiness that Oscar The Grouch has is one of the most important factors of his Sesame Street stardom.  However, evil costume designers have tried to undo this with a sexy version of everyone’s favourite bin-dweller.  Now, thanks to this horrifyingly horny image, I can’t watch The Street without sporting swollen sweatpants.


Honey Badger

 

So, this costume consists of a black hoodie and a deformed snake, and nothing else.  For reference, the slogan “Honey badger don’t care” is a poor meme from a Youtube video, and that derpy serpent is a reference to the badger’s taste for snakes.  In other words, this is the living embodiment of a meme, which makes it the equivalent of someone screaming “CAN I HAZ CHEEZBURGER?!” into your ear canal.

Also, I have to award even lower marks to the female version, which is just a black dress.


Sexy Walter White

 

Last but by no means least, we have the wonder of a sexy Walter White costume.  All the time I was watching Breaking Bad I kept thinking “I wish Brian Cranston had a hot daughter”, and now my dreams have come true.

This costume is actually quite liberating.  Not for women; no, women should only be sexual counterparts to male characters, if the costume industry is to be believed.  However, this costume does open the doors for all those other sexy male character costumes that just haven’t found a market.  How about a sexy Tony Soprano?  I, for one, am salivating over the possibilities.  With that prospect, I’ll leave you with my final thought:
 
I like my women like I like my meth; coloured blue and sought after by drug barons.  Have a great Halloween everybody!

Breaking Bad (No Spoilers Honest!)

Tonight in the UK, the nations favourite cancer-ridden chemist will finally finish his story as Breaking Bad draws to an end on Netflix. Americans got the chance to see this series finale yesterday because, due to them being a dominant global power, they invaded the production studio and made the cast and crew film the whole thing 24 hours faster.

So, as of writing, posting, and you reading this, I haven't seen the end of Breaking Bad. I've seen the penultimate episode and there's a lot of questions that need answering. Here's some of the important ends that I hope get tied up in the last episode:

1) What state are Walter White's pubes in? The chemo has obliterated his hair, yet he can still grow a beard that looks like a slug racing circuit. If that's the case, does Walt still have pubes? Does he have radioactive pubes that glow in the dark like a landing strip for paradropping parasites? This needs urgent explanation.

2) Is there anything that Walt "Flynn" Junior doesn't think is bullshit? As much as we enjoy seeing him slam his pancakes down in fury while declaring them "bullshit", I'd like to take a few minutes to find out what he does actually like. It would help to flesh out his character if he was into airfix models or was training to be an Irish dancer. I mean, the kid hates it when his father turns out to be a drug baron, when his father's cancer comes back, when he can't stay in his own house because of gangsters, I mean, what DOES he like? Get a grip, Flynn!

Who is this mysterious chap?

3) Did Skyler change her name by deed poll? I mean, Skyler sounds like a master criminals wifes name. You'd expect her to live in a cloud fortress, cackling to herself like a cracked drain. We need to know who or what benevolent being named her Skyler.

4) Is the smoke in the title sequence a drug reference? This is one of the big mysteries of Breaking Bad, and one which the writers have failed to address. There are many theories on the origin of this smoke, such as a fire breaking out just off screen because of all the floating chemicals, or someone farting liquid nitrogen. We need some urgent closure on this one!

5)  Who is this notorious Heisenberg that all the characters keep referring to?  Will Walt finally figure out this mysterious man's identity, and kill him?  Why is everyone so scared of this guy?  This is probably the most heavily-guarded secret in the entire show, so hopefully the writers will grace us with some kind of explanation before the end.

6)  What does Grey Matter (the company that Walt started as a young man) actually do?  It sounds like they just sit around and think about things.  It seems to be some sort of consortium of philosophers.  There's a lot of stuff we don't know about this company, including what product they make, what they sell, how they make money, and anything else other than it's name.  My bet is on Grey Matter being the international corporation that sells Walt's meth in Europe.

7) When will Breaking Good start?