Monday, 28 October 2013

Real Halloween Horrors 2013

Do you have your costume sorted for Halloween yet?  No doubt you’ve thought about it but, being the disorganised moron that you are, you’ve left it until the last possible moment.  Now, you’re about to rush off and buy the only remaining, overly expensive costume you can lay your procrastinating paws on.  You better get a move on, go on, hurry!

Wait!  Before you go, I need to show you something.  Your pathetic, panicking brain is overflowing with information right now, and you run the risk of making a bad decision through sheer confusion.  Below are several examples of terrible Halloween costumes.  I want you to study these disgusting specimens, learn from their mistakes, and make sure that you never turn out like this.


Union Jack



This is the result of combining Geri Halliwell and Austin Powers in a genetic splicer.  A show of patriotism this strong, whether ironic or not, is quite simply appalling. 

As a resident of the offending landmass, I sincerely apologise to the global community for this costume.  It’s terrible enough to bring to mind all the atrocities that the British Isles have ever committed, and now I feel guilty.

I will now take a moment to start apologising for everything that the UK has ever done.  I’m sorry for hundreds of years’ worth of colonial rule.  I’m sorry for our implicit compliance with international surveillance.  I’m especially sorry for the steep decline of Paul McCartney and the fact that he is still allowed to perform.  In short, I am just sorry.


Big Foot
 


What’s that?  It’s a foot.  It’s big.  It’s a big foot.  Get it?  Get it?!  GET IT?!

Would it be ironic if I kicked this guy in the face?


Human Toilet
 


This is possibly delightful.  Your kids have just been waiting for the opportunity to dress up as a shitter, and now they can, sponsored by Armitage Shanks.

The main problem with this costume is that, when worn at a family Halloween party where certain alcoholic uncles might be drunk, those inebriates might mistake this for a real toilet.  Can you imagine little Jimmy’s face when Uncle Dave curls out a gigantic turd on his head?  That is definitely not worth the risk in my opinion.


Baby/Sexy Baby
 



People in baby costumes always seem creepy to me since I discovered this is a fetish.  Yes, there are people who like to dress as babies, wear nappies, and shit themselves with alarming regularity in the pursuit of sexual fulfilment.  While I’m not saying these two are into the baby fetish scene, I just can’t take them seriously.

Besides, the female costume is especially disconcerting.  Why are they trying to make a sexy baby costume?  I’m sure Operation Yewtree are tracking down anyone who purchased this costume as we speak.


Coors Gladiator
 


I am Maximus Tastius, and I’m here to refresh your tastebuds!  Oh wait, its Coors.  I take that back.


Sexy Oscar The Grouch
 


Everyone loves Oscar The Grouch.  He’s like a world-weary Womble and there is nothing at all sexy about him.  The lack of sexiness that Oscar The Grouch has is one of the most important factors of his Sesame Street stardom.  However, evil costume designers have tried to undo this with a sexy version of everyone’s favourite bin-dweller.  Now, thanks to this horrifyingly horny image, I can’t watch The Street without sporting swollen sweatpants.


Honey Badger
 



So, this costume consists of a black hoodie and a deformed snake, and nothing else.  For reference, the slogan “Honey badger don’t care” is a poor meme from a Youtube video, and that derpy serpent is a reference to the badger’s taste for snakes.  In other words, this is the living embodiment of a meme, which makes it the equivalent of someone screaming “CAN I HAZ CHEEZBURGER?!” into your ear canal.

Also, I have to award even lower marks to the female version, which is just a black dress.


Sexy Walter White
 


Last but by no means least, we have the wonder of a sexy Walter White costume.  All the time I was watching Breaking Bad I kept thinking “I wish Brian Cranston had a hot daughter”, and now my dreams have come true.

This costume is actually quite liberating.  Not for women; no, women should only be sexual counterparts to male characters, if the costume industry is to be believed.  However, this costume does open the doors for all those other sexy male character costumes that just haven’t found a market.  How about a sexy Tony Soprano?  I, for one, am salivating over the possibilities.  With that prospect, I’ll leave you with my final thought:
 
I like my women like I like my meth; coloured blue and sought after by drug barons.  Have a great Halloween everybody!

21 comments:

  1. Thank you for apologizing for Paul McCartney's decline, but I don't think it's England's fault. Clearly it is the fault of all the enablers he gathered around himself and called "Wings". But as long as we're apologizing on behalf of our respective landmasses, allow me to apologize for not just the costume, but for Coors in general. But I will not apologize for sexy Oscar the Grouch. I've always wanted to dry hump a muppet, but never had a chance until now. I may have said too much.

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    1. You've never had the chance to dry hump a muppet? Look at my avatar! Look at the obvious innuendo I always leave you on your Blog! Look at the love letters I sent you!

      *runs away sobbing*

      Delete
  2. There are some costumes that really don't need a sexy variation. I would say that babies and Walter White are two of them. I have an induction at work on Halloween so I don't think I can really do anything. I never go out and while I was sorta planning to dress up for a friend, I don't think I could if I had to go to work the next day. I planned on dying my hair pink.

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    1. Were you planning to dress up as candyfloss? I bet it's candyfloss. Is it candyfloss?

      Have you considered using a pink wig?

      Delete
  3. Sexy Walter White is just amazingly horrible. I bet that erupted from a personal challenge. "I know, let's take a bearded, bald old man in a huge hazmat suit, and try to make that sexy."

    Also, Pickleope, it should be *I* that apologizes for Coors. That smut comes from my state, after all...

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    1. Sexy Walter White is something that should have only been created in someone's mind as an ironic joke. It shouldn't have been made a reality, no matter how much money is involved.

      Delete
  4. On of my friends actually wore that same honey badger costume (the male version). But, I went to a Halloween party, and there was a surprising lack of sexy costumes. The only girl that wore a skimpy costume was the significantly younger sister of some poor, foolish guy. I don't think there was even any thought put into the costume, it was just plain old lingerie.

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    1. Pah! Lingerie doesn't excite me in the slightest. I need sexy versions of male TV character, or nothing at all!

      Delete
  5. I am not a great fan of Halloween after two or three years in our old house back where we lived a few years ago, where a small group of teenage lads wearing a black bin bag (Yes they only had the one between then) started doing trick or treat or as I liked to call it threatening pensioners. They would go and visit all the frail old ladies and basically demand money or else. Oooo it was such fun. I also get dead annoyed by ultra cheap plastic crap stuff sold as costumes, it gives the whole event the feel of walking garbage that has escaped from the recycling bin.

    You can see I am a bundle of fun at Halloween and folk tend not to visit, after all coming face to face with a mad scruffy dishevelled bloke, who is growling at you and waving a meat clever and threatening to chop up the small child dressed as a rubbish skeleton who was foolish enough to knock at my door and eat him with a small glass of Iron Bru tends to put them off . . . . . . I need to lie down now for a while HAH HAHAH HAHH HAH HAH AH HAH AH HHh ha ha ha hah ah hah a hahha hah ha hah ha hh h ahahh KILL THE BATS KILL THE BATS HAH HAH HAH HH HHAH HAH hah hah ha hah ahhah hah hhah .

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    1. As you can see, I'm also a bundle of fun at Halloween as I tend to pull apart everyone else's costumes. I'll probably dress up as Shaun Of The Dead again...

      Delete
  6. Now see, that's the problem with kids these days. We glorify the baby and go out of our way to make a baby sexy and then we wonder why kids are getting pregnant at such an early age!

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    1. I blame Justin Beiber with his explicit lyrics, "baby, baby, baby oooooh!"

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  7. I'd wear that Bigfoot costume if I could find it.

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    1. Well if the shoe fits. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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  8. I'm going to go to every social event from now on as a sexy Walter White. Amazing. So Amazing x

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    1. I just wondering if it would be wildly inappropriate to do a Sexy Flynn costume.

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  9. Sexy Walter White? Dammit! No spoilers! I still haven't finished the last season.

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    1. Then you won't want to know about Flynn becoming a masked vigilante, and Hank's retirement from the DEA to start his own brewery. Oops...

      Delete
  10. Don't you knock sexy girl costumes. Some of my favorites are Sexy Sean Connery, Sexy Giraldo Rivera, and Sexy Larry Mullen Jr.

    Rawr!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha! Don't you mean Shhhexy Shhhean Connery?

      Delete
  11. Love your blog! Maybe we could follow each other on bloglovin or GFC? Please leave me a comment or follow me and I will follow you =)

    http://www.facebook.com/pages/Le-Petit-Plastique/473640259360447

    http://lepetitplastique.blogspot.com/

    *Nimli Giveaway Prize Package on my Blog*

    ReplyDelete

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