Friday, 11 October 2013

Changes To Your XBox Live Subscription

Dear valued pleb,

We are writing to you today to inform you of important changes to your XBox Live Gold subscription. To ensure the smooth transition of your account, you must accept the full terms of service. Recent changes include the following:

1) The following Gamertags are reserved by Microsoft employees for testing purposes. Anyone attempting to register these tags will automatically be banned:

A) SexDad69
B) pu55ayeater
C) Wa$hInGt0n SnIpA
D) Rudeboy23
E) Rudeboy24
F) John Jameson

2) Kinect owners will notice a software update which will improve biometric/ballsack data recognition. This is a requirement. You must register your ballsack with Microsoft in order to unlock your console.

3) Kinect will also monitor your conversations and automatically ban you if it hears key phrases. Examples include "gay", "shoot", "bang", "help", "haha" and "fight". Users of these words shall be banned to protect the 12 year olds playing Grand Theft Auto.

4) Sausages are not to be stored in your XBox 360 console. We will not honour your warranty if your console is filled with sausages.

5) The XBox Live interface is to upgraded to show you unskippable clips of movies that you don't want to rent because you smartly chose a Netflix account instead of renting movies from us at 5 quid a pop. All dissenters will be banned.

Insert balls on Kinect sensor to unlock

6) Any men found not to have Halo in their games collection will be banned for suspicious activity. Same goes for Forza.

7) Your console is designed to always be turned on and online. The cooling fans will eventually suck all of the breatheable oxygen from the room.

8) Your stupid shitty avatar thing is very important to us. To celebrate, please enjoy a free hairstyle for your character.

9) If you give someone bad rep, Microsoft will endeavour to make sure that you end up in every game with that person. Our hope is that you'll put your differences aside and learn to love.

10) If your console breaks, fuck you, you can just buy a XBox One in a couple of months. The new XBox One will never break because we certainly aren't making last-minute, untested hardware changes to compete with Sony. You won't end up owning 5 different XBox Ones over the course of it's life cycle like you did with the 360.

Happy gaming from all the folks at Microsoft.


  1. Number 10 should just be how they respond to all service requests. How am I supposed to keep my sausages warm, I ask you? Also, is there a way to ban people who say out loud "lol"? And not the initials, the phoenetic pronunciation like "lull" instead of laughing.

    1. People who say "lol" instead of laughing are far too lazy to laugh. Society has evolved beyond laughter, which doesn't bode well for Blogs such as ours.

  2. To be fair I've only ever had two Xhox 360s. Although it did take me a few years to get my first one I think. It did get a Red Ring though. People seemed to be surprised at how long it lasted. I also think some of these things are actual changes that might be coming in. I'm not sure if your Kinect can register you saying things yet but you can certainly report people and get them banned.

    1. I got an XBox about a year after launch, and went through 3 of them in a year. My 4th stopped reading disks properly about 3 years ago.

  3. I've only had two XBoxes, myself. Actually, the price of both of them combined was $300 dollars, so I think I lucked out. Definitely thinking of going with Playstation this time around, though. That feature which involves you to check in with your Kinect when you long on is a bit uncomfortable to me.

    (Also, sorry I've missed the past two podcasts. They don't work on my work computer, so I'll have to listen to them at home.)

    1. Don't worry Chiz, I know you wouldn't miss my top notch, A grade content if you had a choice.

      Also, you may not have spent a great deal, but the fact that you've had to rebuy a console during it's lifecycle is pretty poor if you ask me.

  4. What's an XBox . . . . I can see where the X came from however . . . . .

    1. If you want to know what an XBox is, you should ask the Ghost Writer. I bet he's always on Gears Of War swearing at young kids.

  5. Ohhhhhhhhhh, so THAT explains why I couldn't get as my email. xx

    1. You could always go for Rudeboy25- wait, don't you want Rudegirl?


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