We are writing to you today to inform you of important changes to your XBox Live Gold subscription. To ensure the smooth transition of your account, you must accept the full terms of service. Recent changes include the following:
1) The following Gamertags are reserved by Microsoft employees for testing purposes. Anyone attempting to register these tags will automatically be banned:
C) Wa$hInGt0n SnIpA
F) John Jameson
2) Kinect owners will notice a software update which will improve biometric/ballsack data recognition. This is a requirement. You must register your ballsack with Microsoft in order to unlock your console.
3) Kinect will also monitor your conversations and automatically ban you if it hears key phrases. Examples include "gay", "shoot", "bang", "help", "haha" and "fight". Users of these words shall be banned to protect the 12 year olds playing Grand Theft Auto.
4) Sausages are not to be stored in your XBox 360 console. We will not honour your warranty if your console is filled with sausages.
5) The XBox Live interface is to upgraded to show you unskippable clips of movies that you don't want to rent because you smartly chose a Netflix account instead of renting movies from us at 5 quid a pop. All dissenters will be banned.
|Insert balls on Kinect sensor to unlock|
6) Any men found not to have Halo in their games collection will be banned for suspicious activity. Same goes for Forza.
7) Your console is designed to always be turned on and online. The cooling fans will eventually suck all of the breatheable oxygen from the room.
8) Your stupid shitty avatar thing is very important to us. To celebrate, please enjoy a free hairstyle for your character.
9) If you give someone bad rep, Microsoft will endeavour to make sure that you end up in every game with that person. Our hope is that you'll put your differences aside and learn to love.
10) If your console breaks, fuck you, you can just buy a XBox One in a couple of months. The new XBox One will never break because we certainly aren't making last-minute, untested hardware changes to compete with Sony. You won't end up owning 5 different XBox Ones over the course of it's life cycle like you did with the 360.
Happy gaming from all the folks at Microsoft.