Hug A Hater

The rap game has taught us many valuable moral lessons that are essential within modern society.  For example, we know that California knows how to party, that anyone who doesn’t partake in bong hits is automatically a cop, and, most importantly, that haters gonna hate.

Immortalised in these hip hop tomes is the concept of hating haters.  Haters are a very modern construct, and I’ll concede that it’s annoying when you’re trying to do business and a furious hater keeps hounding you.  But how should we address the issue of haters?  Typically, the usual response is a drive by, but I’m here to propose an alternative solution.

Haters, by the nature of their very existence, are filled with hate.  Why should we hate someone who only knows hate?  That’s essentially the same as trying to put out a chip pan fire with grenades.  As Ghandi once said “Hatin’ a hater gonna make you a hater”, or as it was more commonly translated “An eye for an eye makes us all blind”.  Although I never fully understood that version (the only thing that stopped Ghandi going blind was his prescription spectacles), he is suggesting that we throw our arms around a hater rather than throw punches at them.  Hate breeds more hate, which in turn breeds more hate, like a battery farm of hate.  We all know that hate can also lead to spite, envy, wrath, death, farts, and hauntings, which none of us are all that keen on.  Master Yoda warned us, but we didn’t take heed because he was just a shitty little puppet living in a swamp.  Now look at us.

These haters have never known love, so it’s about time someone showed them some.  That’s why I’m starting my “Hug A Hater” campaign.  If we try and force our love upon those who wish us ill, perhaps we can change their attitudes.  I’m encouraging people to give tight squeezes to those who displease us. 

My Sentiments Exactly

You can get involved by buying the t-shirt, the badge, and keeping those hugging arms supple.  If someone calls you names on Twitter, simply respond saying “thank you sir, my arms extend towards you”.  If you’re walking down the street and someone throws a drink over you from a car window, don’t chase them down and tear their vehicle apart, dispose of their rubbish and compliment them on a good shot.  If a mugger tries to shank you in an alley, lean your lifeless body into them and try to warm their heart with your rapidly diminishing body heat.

As that famous scholarly gentleman known as Will.I.Am once said, “Where is the love?”  It’s a pertinent question; where exactly is the love?  Is it tucked into the sofa cushions?  Is it in that mattered wad of tissues I have to dispose of when I see Scarlett Johansson popping down the shops on her bike (we live in a very privileged neighbourhood)?  Perhaps it’s time for us to find it again.

For those who are interested in Hug A Hater, you might also want to consider joining my Kiss A Kidnapper and Marry A Molester campaigns.