Rihanna - The Celebrity Vigilante

Since Christopher Nolan’s exceptional Dark Knight trilogy came a close, the world has experienced a distinct lack of vigilante types who dare to take the law into their own hands.  That is, until a little-known pop starlet named Rihanna took up the mantle and started serving the world with her own form of justice.

That’s right.  That sweet little girl who once sang “come on rudeboy boy can you get it up?” has transformed herself into a bruising vanguard of righteousness. This recent article in The Guardian chronicles her heroic exploits to date.  So far, she has busted two illegal animal traders and shut down a Taiwanese sex club.

The illegal pet sales industry is something that needs urgent action from the international community, but sadly, no one has ever taken this issue seriously. Until now that is, as Rihanna took to Twitter to highlight the plight of everyone's favourite toxic primate, the slow lorris.  She posted up a picture of herself with two animal traders and a slow lorris, which was seen worldwide, but specifically in this case, by the fuzz.  Trading these precious creatures is highly prohibited, and it didn’t take long before the local authorities caught up with these criminals.  This was all thanks to Rihanna’s irrefutable evidence.

Free thanks to Rihanna

Then, only a few weeks later, Rihanna destroyed a local sex business with the following Tweet:

"Either I was phuck wasted last night, or I saw a Thai woman pull a live bird, 2 turtles, razors, shoot darts and ping pong, all out of her pu$$y,"

Despite this undoubtedly entertaining scenario in which creatures came out of a woman like sinister Russian dolls, the authorities caught Rihanna’s online tip again and arrested the club's owner.  As it turned out, he was showing naughty ladies without a license, so was promptly thrown in prison.

It would seem that the Thai authorities are holding Rihanna up as their moral centre.  Everywhere she goes she exposes corruption and filth, so the police just follow her around and hoover up the baddies in her wake.  Proximity to this corruption-busting starlet almost certainly leads to criminal convictions.  Either that or our heroine is just stumbling across illegal activities and naively posting them online.  Nope, that can’t possibly be the case, can it?

So what’s next for our little maverick?  If I were a criminal (which I’m not.  Unless you count all those robberies), I would be rather nervous about Rihanna’s latest world tour.  Especially if I were a ticket tout for it.  Judging from the sexualized outfits she tends to wear, it won’t be too much of a leap for her to don some evil-spanking spandex and lay the smackdown on some mafia kingpins.

Criminals across the world; beware!  Once you fall under Rihanna’s umbrella, there ain’t no escape!